wwwwwwwweeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! yesterday was ssssooooo super fffuunnnn!!!!!!!!!! friday was super fun too! precisely because its friday! muahahaha.. and then irna gave me a foot theraphy.. oh my goodness.. we walked almost the two whole shopping centres.. and she keep going in and out of almost every shop..
i thought my leg is gonna break.. somemore before that during swim pe both of my legs got cramped up..hahaha... ok.. we went window shopping at raffles city mall and city link mall.. then we eat monday cold funge at macs..hahaha... thats what irna say to the teller at mac and she actualy laughed at irna. hahaha..i was gaffawing uncontrolably..sundae hot fudge was like heaven!!!
then yesterday i meet up with the mcs ppl at sch first. ergh.. i bumped into him again.. ouh man.. i was really hoping and avoiding my best not to get bumped into him.. whats more i think he saw me. oh man... but oh well.. who cares.. ok.. back to mcs, we cleared the store room and celebrated the belated people's birthday by smashing the cake into their faces!!! muaaahahaha... i did it on udaya... lalala.. hahaha.. the cake went into her nose..hehehe.. seha got it, faris, hazimah and i cant remember who kena.. muahahaha..
so fun.. smashing cake into ppl's faces.. hahaha..then went for the miq competition.. wow.. really learnt alot about the civilisation of islam. and i got gastric during the competition. oh well.. thats because i didnt eat the day before, then i didnt eat breakfast and lucnh that day so aft that, we quickly went for dinner at banquet!!!!! wwweee........!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahah then played this stupid number game. whoever lost had to drink this soup which we mixed with sambal, coke, soya bean wantan mee gravy and alot more. hahaha.. can u just imagine their faces.. muahahaha... the first one to get it was faris, then syahida, udaya then hazima.. muahahaaha.... aft that they went to the pasar malam but i went home la.. later mum will start nagging at me..haha...

i just realise there is no sch on tues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh.. i have a seminar on al quran at expo. ok..then i have to prepare for geog test. and i still havent finish studying for econs test tmr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!aaarrrggghhh..
theres like malay hw and test, gp essay too..oh no.. and the gpp..
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. i should studying now.

i feel so tired emotionally, physically and mentally. sometimes i wonder how people can be so driven, have so much motivation to go on and push themselves to the limit even though its difficult. today, dance got gold with honours.so many performing arts in ac got gold or gold with honours. good job guys! so proud of u all for brining ac's name to a new height. but that just means more pressure on the band to get gold with honours.

i know a lot of them are really stressed out now. i know, even though u dont tell me.:) i guess it cant be helped. even the non-syf people are feeling it. so many things have been happening. which i am not suppose to tell anyone. b'cos i've promised the person i wont tell anyone. so i'll shut up here.

i DONT LIKE my class. super bimbotic, pretentious, attention-seeker class. ergh, i just realise they have been taking advanage of me. how nice of them and how stupid i am. unless they accept me for what i am and treat me like a person that exist, i will be a bitch to them. oh well, i am not that mean la. just treat me decently and u will get ur respect from me. if not, bole blah.

i think i am begining to hate him. dont ask me why, the reasons are too complex. i'm half glad i am feeling this because i'll be able to concentrate on my studies better rather then spend my precious time thinking about u. waste my time.

heh, its 12.15am now, but still have geog essay, gp essay, malay compre and malay test all due in a few hours time. wow, great. eh, eh, coffee actually kept me awake la! wow. hahaha..i actually finished studying for econs ad half way thru geog which is still such a long way to go all in one night. power right the coffee.. i know, i know.. hahaha..

ok..i better start doing my work.
chiao.

ok, i want to announce that i think malay literature is damn super cool!!! its like music, u can express what u feel through it and the way u deliver the poems is like u playing ur instrument... woww........... i really think its cool. and cikgu said that at last i understand how to interpret and apply the poems that we have learnt. so in short i have improve. yay, even though its a very minimal improvement. at last, i found back my passion for malay lang.

i keep thinking abt my studies. which i am really bad at. i think my time management suck big time. and yeah, i fell asleep yesterday without finishing my hw or even study anything. i should really do something aboout this. even it is extreme. but seriously i dont know what to do to stop myself from falling asleep. in sch i dont fall asleep but once i reach home, my eyes will water and go heavier and heavier till i fall asleep without me realising it. ouh man.. what should i do???? i am really desperate to pass my terms and promos especially!! if i get retained, mum will take me out of ac and send me to poly instead. no way will that happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no, never. i will pass my promos, pass a levels with flying colours and get into nus with my choice course. oh well, easier said then done.

i should drink lots of coffee then. i think that will work for now. lets see huh..

chiao. :)

oh my, my mind is in a whirl now. what i am gonna say goes to diff indiv. so if u think i am talking abt u, hahaha

seeing u today just brings sadness to me because i realise i __ u (by the way, the blank is not'love'). i guess its better that we dont meet at all. i feel so awkward and embarassed when we meet. u seem awkward too. i know that even if it doesnt seem obvious to anyone.

it seem such a long time since we talked and when we talked, u bark at me. and know what i feel hurt. i know, i am such a petty person.

i dont know whats happening. where is all the talk about being together through thick and thin? being like a family? where is the encouragement that u always talk about? is acheiving so much so impt? i think it is the process and lesson learnt along the way that is the most impt. NOT the medal. to a certain extent, i do understand it is, but it is not everything.

where is the passion that used to run through me? where has to lost to? i wonder.

what is my purpose of being here? why am i doing something i have never wanted to?

god, i know he has plans for me. but just give me strength and love to help me suvive the rest of my life in this world.

i dont know whats happening to the world. the people. so much violence around. no one cares about anybody anymore. where is the care and love? so many people dying, suffering. the world is dying. so much pollution, greenhouse effect, glaciers melting. unless we do something, we will fall into an iceage in 50 years time. oh no.

now, i shall slap myself if i fall asleep again. i cant believe that i actually fall asleep but i didnt know i feel asleep. haha. slap myself* slap myself*
anyway, i think i am going to fail alot of my tests... HAIZ. but hell no, i am not just gonna whine and complain that i am going to fail, i will study more! anyway, that the only way to forget abt u.

i bet if i just disappear frm the face of this earth, no one would actually notice it. haha. omg, my body is aching all over frm pe just now la..hesh.

how insignificant i am. oh well, chiao.

me: i just wonder how my friends can be so slack and can achieve so much at the same time...
me, saying in a dreamy voice..

aunt: yalah.. they are naturally clever what...
me: !!!!???
me: oh.. u mean i am naturally stupid la..?
aunt: i didnt say that....
and she smiles.

eeeerrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really dont feel like going to school tmr. anyway, i havent even completed any of my hw.

i seriously feel like pulling my hair out bald. aarrrggghhh!!!!!

but, lesson learnt today at religious class: patience and sleflessness.
i shall have patience and not think of of myself only.
i will do my hw now. hahaha.
chiao.

i feel so suffocated staying at home. i dont like being at home. at least outside there is no shouting. no screaming. no fighting. no boundaries to put me down. i can be me. i used to be so hyper. i used to be me.

i just wanna be me.

there are so many mass killings recently. i feel so deeply abt this but i yet i dont how to let it out.

i need a breather. and yeah, great, my migraine is coming back again. ergh.
chiao

i dont know.. i feel so numb now. today. so numb. i dont know why. the workload. the pressure to do well. the feelings. hormones, i guess.

but i know something, i miss ___. i feel so stupid for feeling like this. i know i should not. i tried to avoid but i just bump into _. ergh. i miss acband. badly. i miss everybody in band. that includes dr lee. :)

but, oh well, scheherazede is keeping me happy. really happy. its amazing how music can affect my life so much. oh! oh! i saw the FULL SCORE for scheherazede just now at esplanade library. oouhh man.. i was so excited!! then.. i saw fauzie laily..hehehehehehehehehe..................

i think i am not myself, one moment i'm feeling all down and emo. now i am smiling.
:)
:)
:)

i need 12 hrs plus of sleep to recover myself.
chiao

i need food badly.............. i want foooooddddddd....... i want chicken macspicy.... eeemmmmm.... ohlala.....
oh my god i think by the end of the two years i am in ac, i think i will look like a pole. no kidding, i have lost so much weight. oh no. and really fast. with what pe is pushing me and the only meal i ate everyday.. hurhur..i dont want to look like a pole!!!! mummy, i want chicken mac spicy+brownies+cheesecake+kfc chicken+ljs fish and chips+famous amos cookies+delifrance breads+swensens blackpepperseafood sphegetti+chocolate+chocolates+chocolates and lots more chocolates!!!!!!!!

the past few days have been superb. i couldnt ask for more. at last i am becoming myself again. :) :) :) lalalala... hahaha.

i should take this opportunity to thank everybody who have given me strength to help me pull through the days aft auditions.. :( everybody in band esp my section mates. thanks alot guys, for comforting me. for giving me lots of tissues and ur shoulders to cry on. haha.

ok, i want to search for any stored away food in my hse now. ffffooooodddddd... where are uuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chiao.

ok, i didnt realise how many people actually read my blog. i thought my blog is damn obsolete that no one will ever come. but this is the internet, shaheera! everyone has access to it!! omg!!!! like so many people i now realise actually read my blog!!!!!!!!aaarrrggghhh!!!!! i will stop all nonsense of mine abt him. and let me remind u people, i will not entertain any ques abt this guy. u can make any assumptions abt him. but i wont say a thing. b'cos i really dont want anybody to know. if people do know, i'll die of embarassement. and i tell u i'll DIE of EMBARASSMENT.

and know what. i LOVE the SCHEHERAZADE song. omg. i listen to the recording and it sounded like a really romantic love song, esp the 2nd and 3rd movements. i keep listening to it. ah.. so nice.. hahaa.

ok, just now, just before my gp test, i had a 2hr break. which is freaking long right. so i sat with my classmates at can-deck to study for the test later. then, suddenly, a bird flew past and i tell u fast. then blop! the shit fell onto my file and gp package!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! OMG. a bird shit on my gp package just before my test. and the shit is watery white fluid with bits of solid brown stuff everywhere. ergh. i washed all of my stuff that is on the table. gross.

gp test..haiz.. i didnt complete it. haiz, i think my terms marks will really suck. b'cos so far i havent passed an assingment or test. DEMORALISING.

aft sch went esplanade to watch the string ensemble. i dont know what promted me to go. but i went to watch udaya perf. haha, i think she faked through the whole perf. i didnt see her bow moving as swiftly as the others. haha..anyways, aft that, i went exploring the esplanade. omg, the lib is so superb. i will go there to mug. hehe, good way to avoid ppl anyway. muahahahaa.. then the roof terrence was like....oooooooohhhhhhhhh. hahaha. the scenery is so damn nice la. me and seha started to day dream, if we have boyfriends, then we go there.. hahaha. fat hope any time soon. and we took alot of pics. which is seriously stupid. haha.. i shall post it when i get it frm seha. muahahaha. i think we should go there more often to chill-lax there. so cool man...

ok since just now i spent my time enjoying, i shall now, study for geog.. ergh.. migration... hmph..
chiao.

omg. i am so gonna shut up. omg.omg.omg.

oh my god.. so many things had been happening to me during this whole week. mon was my unglam day.ergh. both of the soles of my shoes came off! like what the hell! and it happened at can-deck where he always walk past. and.. at that precise moment.. he passed by me. oh man.. my face feels hot. argh!!! and he can still look at me...(and smile. how great is that, he smiled at me!!!haha) hurhur... i didnt give any reaction because i felt really embarassed. gawd. then i had to get help from gerdine to help me survive those moments. hahaha. she and enjia help me buy superglue to help me survive the day. my classes even finished quite late that day and i still have to go to damai to see them before their syf. i was like..how am i supposed to go to my classes?? then i still have my stupid pw PI to do which is due that day!! how to climb up the lib stairs to do my PI? at last i didnt hand in. there goes my marks. ok.. then aft i finish my classes, i meet mel at qm room and we went together to damai by cab. so yeah, see my sect, how i miss damaiwindz. they sounded out of tune but ok la. i dont want to comment too much later ppl will start talking like-since i go to dr lee's band i look down on other bands. which is not freaking true. went home and i fell asleep right away. damn it la.. i thought i want to mug and finish the rest of my hw. but i managed to get up at 3.30am to do some leftover hw.

on tues, pe was still hell. i ran 4 rounds in 6 min. thats like 4x400m=1.6km!!!:) i was fast! haha. but that was aft Lih yuan pushed me like hell by telling me to run and dont ever stop. we still have to do sit ups, jumps and arm pull. 3 sets of 15. i felt like dying. for the rest of the day, i felt dead. finised sch only at like 5.30pm then i still went for band prac. which i did alot of technique exercises frm aban to work on my lip slurs and triple and double tonging. damn tiring la. i tried to avoid him but i seem to always bump into him. i cant face him.ergh.

wed was the day. i felt quite excited. but aft sch i have sahibba. which i did really badly. my malay is going really down. i used to be so good in it. now i really dont know what i am good in. not in studies not in band. i felt quite useless aft playing that game. oh well, went to sg confer hall with irna and watch damai. they sounded quite nice but some parts are out of place but ok la, get silver. :) i'm happy with that. hahaha. oh yes, i'm supposed to say syad's name. so here, syad syad syad. haha, i told u, syad, i will say ur name. ok, i'm being irritating. haha. u did a good job, my sect. :) proud of u guys. :))

thurs.. i felt happy. because i finished my hw. i did alot,ok. thats like 4 malay article reviews, a whole compre exercise and i managed to study abit. i did all this in the lib. and..and know what, i realised he always go lib and furthermore sit at the same exact seat i always took. oh man..i went up to take that seat to start my work at the same place i always had. and there u go.. i saw him sitting there. i was shocked la. then i took some other scheluded place and do my stuff. hurhur, now i know where he hangs out.. lalala.ok, shut up shaheera. then went for mcs(malay cultural society) meeting. we'll be having a theater production soon, so, yeah, i'm in publicity so i have to strategise our publicity methods on our production. ouh, then its band time again. did long tones and breathing exercises to improve my tone.and i managed to play one of the soliin the scherezde song. dr lee couldnt make it so, the rest have sectionals. went home and i fell asleep straight away.

fri is super bad luck day. aft malay lesson, went to lib to print my PI. then i was late for my swim pe. my first ever swimming lesson. wasnt that excited abt it because i have to wear swim suit in front of ppl.ergh. then aft that lesson, i realised my uniform was soaking wet and dirty. damn. i didnt have any change la! i had to borrow Lih yuan's shirt. i had to wear it the whole day. i look sick in that yellow pe t-shirt. i have to explain to every teacher that asked me to go and change into my uniform. like chow sor lim, "young lady..bla..bla.." damn it. then, yeah, guess what, i bump into him again. oh man............ i was ssssooooooo embarassed!!! my hair was wet, i had to wear that yellow shirt and i smelt of chlorine. how good is that, that i had to meet him that day, super unglam day. bump at the turn to lib stairs. i saw him first, so i just look down,into the floor, embarassed what. then he had to look at me then aft he had gone a few steps back, he LOOKED back. he turned his head ok. ouh man. i felt like my heart wanna drop. then.. during pw, i realised that i had lost my hard copy for my PI. great. ms leow's face wasnt that happy. so, i had to go lib AGAIN to print that PI. AND i had to go in lib with that PE shirt. haiz, so i had to borrow eunice windbreaker to hide under. and the greatest thing is, i got caught and scolded by the librarian. how great. i felt sick of explaining myself for the uptenth time that day so i just say ok, i wont do it again. that was actually the second time i get scolded by that librarian. i think she would have recognised my face for that girl who always come to lib to print her stuff and break rules. ergh.

i totally have no mood that day. which was yesterday. so i was feeling emo throughout the journey home. i was feeling quite insignficant due to the way i was treated by my classmates and by what had happened in band. i miss pae 1aa5. the times we had. haha, those morning breakfast together, lessons and pe was the best. my new class, i felt like they only cared abt themselves. haiz. then band, i feel happy and proud that they are improving really fast and they sounded really good. and that just show that we, that non syf team were the trouble makers. without us, they can do well. how insignificant i am, we are; the non syf team. i miss those times when we spent those late nights together practising for concert. even though we felt really tired and not improving much, we encouraged each other. but now, i just sit in the classrooms and try to figure out the rhythm for the scherezde song-however the correct spelling is. haiz. i miss my sect. i miss saturday practices. i miss saturday lunches and sectionals. now i sit aimlessly at home every sat. 3 more weeks to go. hang on. i miss being in ac band eventhough i am in ac band. get it?being a part of ac band and being together and playing together is two totally diff thing.

i miss ac band.
i shall not touch the com for the next few days. oh no. i have GP test on mon!
chiao.

oh.. i'm left with just pw essay and malay lit essay!!! yay! i feel soo liberated. but i still havent start revising any of the subjects. so.. haha.. theres still a long way to go. today was supposed to go to masjid to celebrate nabi muhammad s.a.w's birthday. but i overslept.:) i think i will fast tmr and on thurs. to compensate my guilt for not celebrating and rejoicing his birthday. i think aft this hols, i feel much more better. even though the depressed feeling is still there. but i guess u gotta move on with ur life right? i realised that mugging is good way to forget ur problems. so i guess i will mug more. haha. spending time with family isnt so bad aft all. i get to talk to mum abt some of the things that i'm not happy abt but the conversation just stopped in the middle. but at least i get to joke and talk to them again like old times. it was something i will treasure. :) i realised that i am starting to like geog more. oh well, partly because of my physical geog tutor.. haahaha.. that inspired me. i guess with geog i can still pursue my dreams of working in UN. hhmm... i can just imagine myself working in africa with my other UN collegues and talking and helping the kids there, with the brown sandy floor.. the african wind blowing past my body.. hahaha.. omg, i'm dreaming..

i have to continue with my work. i feel kind relaxed now. thank god. :)

i wonder how much i will miss out on band when syf is over. it feels wierd to be where i am usually not like being at home and not at lt 4 playing my eupho. now, at home.. trying real hard to concentrate and do my hw. which i dont have much progress with. i wonder what they are doing now.. hhm..

i just realised that my meals are irregular. i dont eat much. i only eat like a meal a day sometimes. but most of the time i dont eat at all. for the whole day. even if i eat, i only eat a slice of fruit which i bought at sch. last band prac, i ate a plate of fried rice before band prac. but i vomitted it out. i dont know why. am i sick?

i should log out now.

theres nothing or no one else that i should blame on except myself that i didnt get into the syf team. i dont know how to face the rest of the band member. esp.. ---------. dr lee, the sLs, esp amirah. like i've let her down. let the sect down. ms sng, b'cos i've failed her expectations. ying da and ming xuan. i dont know how i will survive this next 5 weeks. i keep thinking what a lousy player i am. trying hard to accept the reality that i only participated in 1 syf in my whole life and never taken any solo in my whole band life. never. ever. how great. yesterday practice was boring. i had to battle my feelings and concentrate on that new piece. sian. samuel can come up to me and sheree and say.. eh u are suppose to practise right? wat are u two doing jumping and fooling arnd? u think we like even to be there. hhmmpphh. it was already past 7pm. practice is over for us. so we can jump and scream as we like.

damaiwindz is in bad shape now. tmr i'm gonna see them. i just hope everthing is alright.

for now, i will try to forget abt him. abt band esp... i will mug and mug. and concentrate on the new piece. i will improve so greatly it will amaze them. i will play the two concert pieces so beautifully, i will fill the air with music. serenade the air with the sound of my eupho.

lets see what i have to do this holiday.
1) econs hw
-complete tutorial, essay quest, and essay on scenario analysis
-revise elasticity of markets
2) malay lit hw
- essay on sajak 'kebanjiran' , latihan bahasa
3) malay lang
-4 newspaper article review, another essay
4) pw
- the stupid PI essay
5)math
-tutorial 5 and revision. i need to concentrate on this subject.
6) GP
-another GP essay.
7) geog
-physical:read lecture notes and revise
-human: tutorial 6 complete and revise
8) next week starts the test week. die.

ok, i have to start now.
chiao.

i know i should pick myself aft yesterday's downfall. but i guess i am a weak person. yesterday's audition affected me so badly. i cry myself to sleep. i still feel so upset. i guess i am just not a good player. never will be.

i want to gorge myself with food. then take sheets of paper tear it into small little balls and throw them around my room. then cry myself to sleep, not caring abt my econs essay, malay karangan, geog tutorial and PW all due tmr.

i wish the earth can open up and swollow me up.like at this very moment. NOW.

oh my god i cant take it anymore- he is so cute. :) i am melting every second. oh gosh, i better shut up. :) dont even try to ask who because i will NEVER say. even if u bribe me with a supply of chocolates for a week.

this was taken just before we go on stage to perform tosca.

acjc 2007 eupho section j1s. i thik we look cool man.

warming up and tuning in the corridors.

eh.. dont u think we look really alike? oh my god.. i must tell irna this.

me and irna outside the dressing rooms. we got the same room! haha..

the stairs reminded me of the acs boys standing down at the stairs looking up. i was terrified. haha, and amirah kept saying, keep to ur left girls! haha.. i quickly tuck in my skirt. haha..

at the stairs leading to our dressing rooms.. i think i look good in ac blazer.. no..no.. i think eveyone look good that day.. :)

haha.. i think this pic shows the different side of us..

ok, yeah, i know i look spastic bt edwin justin looked like gays!!! eehhwww....

just after lunch in the artiste lounge.

oh well.. we had nothing to do while waiting for the percussion to be loaded into the lorry so we took pictures.

ac band rock esplanade. wohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok.. back to reality.i have tons of hw to do. pw is making me crazy. lots of work to catch up on. auditions is changed to tmr. i have to do well. my future lies in watever i do know.

god, give me the strength i need to get on with life for the next two years. because i know i need alot of strength physically, mentally and emotionally. pls make my relationship with my family improve. i know i neglected them because of band and school. i know this is stupid because family is everything. god, forgive me. for i am just one f ur slaves in this world. i need u. i believe in u that u will guide me thru the right path. for i live for u, allah. allah hu akhbar. amin.

i need to do my pw now!!!!!!!!!!!!aarrgghh!!

ARGH!!!! I SHALL TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO SHOW HOW I FEEL. NOW.. I FEEL AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONCENRT IS IN A FEW HOURS TIME!!!!! OH MY GOD! I'M FREAKING EXCITED ABT IT PLUS PLUS PLUS DAMN ANXIOUS. DAMN LA. I CANT SLEEP. DIE LATER SURE I DEAD TIRED. HESH.. NVM.. I WILL DO MY PW SOON AFT THIS.

BUT... MY PANTAT LA...PANTAT LU. U THINK I LIKE IS IT COME HOME SO LATE AT NIGHT?! I WANT TO GO HOME AND SLEEP. THE NEXT DAY THERE IS SCHOOL OK. U DIDNT EVEN CARE ABT ME NOR ABT MY CONCERT ANYMORE LA. WHY CANT U JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I LIKE MUSIC? I WANT TO PLAY MUSIC? WHY U CAN SUPPORT OTHER PEOPLE'S SON DANCING ON CHANNEL 5 BUT U CANT SUPPORT UR OWN FREAKING DAUGHTER PERFORMING AT ESPLANADE? DO U KNOW HOW MANY OF MY FRIENDS ENVY ME BEING ABLE TO PERFORM AT ESPLANADE? U THINK ANYONE CAN PERFORM THERE? EH HELLO, THAT IS AN INTERNATIONAL STAGE LA. PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY TO LISTEN TO ME. DONT U THINK U SHOULD FEEL PROUD FOR ME. AT LEAST ONCE? FUCK LA. I GUESS U WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. U WILL NOT EVEN FUCKING TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME.

I DONT CARE HOW ATROCIOUS MY GRAMMAR IS OR HOW FUCKING RUDE AND UNCIVILISED I SOUND. I DONT GIVE A DAMN. WHAT I CARE NOW IS TO GIVE MY BEST IN EVERYTHING THAT I COMMIT MYSELF TO. THIS IS MY LIFE. I WILL LEAD THE WAY I WANT IT TO BE. HEAR THAT? SO FUCK OFF.