Tuesday, July 31, 2007

oh my goodness. schedule for band is, is... like.. so busy. i will have to make time to study. homework is just SSOOO LITTLE. then there's revision to do. and i have not made much progress. ergh, frustrating.

next year, we're schedule for overseas trip. heh, hong kong to vienna to switzerland back to hong kong and finally singapore. cool eh, being acjc concert band member. i like...:)))))))))

argh, i feel so tired. well, whos not. PW is really getting to my nerves. ah.. nothing seems right.

oh no, my migraine is back. oh no, my running nose is back. oh no, my gastric is here. oh no, i hope i wont fall sick. thank god my leg is ok again. :) haha.

ohk, need to do my work now.

guess what! promos in 2 MONTHS!!!!!! arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chiao.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

ah.. loads of homework, revision, PW, band. so much to do. so little time. so cliche.

but anyway, ah, potter book. i just cant stop reading it everywhere i go.

been slacking the whole day. SHAHEERA, U REALLY OUGHT TO BE STUDYING NOW!!

ok,ok.. i will get back to my notes.
yay, geog rocks, save the earth. ah.
so much for my motivation for geog.

chiao

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

i shall not give up.
fight fight fight
wheather its the fatigue, or whatever
i shall fight on
this is only the begining.
:))))))))
aye, harry potter and the deathly hollows,
I GOT U!!!!!!!!!!!
YES, YES, YES!!
i'm feeling sssooo happy now.
hehehe.
time to mug (and not read that potter book!)
now.
yakinkah ku berdiri
di hampa tanpa tepi
bolehkah aku mendengarmu
terkubur dalam emosi
tanpa bisa bersembunyi
aku dan nafas ku merindukan mu
terpuruk ku disini
teranianya sepi
dan ku tahu pasti
kau menemani
dalam hidup ku, kesendirian ku
teringat ku teringat
pada janjimu ku terikat
hanya sekejap ku berdiri
ku lakukan sepenuh hati
peduli ku peduli,
siang dan malam berganti
sedih ku ini tiadalah erti
jika kau lah sandaran hati. :)
tengok muke pon da cukup. u just make me smile non-stop. kihkihkih...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

its been quite sometime since i blogged. too tired, too busy or just lazy. yeah. the weeks after terms is horrible as the harsh reality hits me. my grades suck big time. oh, do i have to annouce it. damn. its just disappointing, upsetting, draining and a hell of a time when you had put in soo much effort time energy and u still fail. and that, badly too.

just feel like locking myself up in a dark room where no one can see. then i can cry my hearts out and scream my lungs out. but i dont seem to be able to let out the emotions in me. i can only write it here and of course i cant simply say everthing here. the emotions is so great that i just cant let it out of me. i dont know. i feel so numbed. disappointed,drained mentally physically and emotionally. esp when people start comparing their grades or they start talking about sudies. which is like always. it makes me cringe into a corner. the prospect of me having to break the horrible news to mum just gives me sleepless night thinking about it.

i dont know. i feel so confused. i dont know what to do. how to react or what am i feeling. ah i shouldnt think so much. i know i should get up again and fight on. this is just only terms not yet A's. but i admit, i'm not a strong person mentally. i feel like giving up, stop all and just stop everything. but of course, its the stupidest thing that any human being in their normal state would do. i dont know where to get the energy to move on. i dont know who to hang on when i need a listening ear. i dont know whose shoulder i can lean on to cry. mum? she'll just scold me back and we'll start fighting again. friends? i dont know. i seem to have loads of them. in sch, band, mcs, damai, outside friends. but, i dont know. they are just friends.. just there. ggrr i hope nobody reads this post.

i shall just hang on. study, study and study. this race has only just begun. well done girl. hang on there. i'll be ok i guess.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

ah, i cant wait for 24th of july. hehehehehehehehehehehe............. but i dontwant because it would mean promos is like another week closer. oh my gosh. i dont want promos. wait, wait, i want promos. if i dont take promos, how am i to get to j2? retain? a big nono here. hey what am i rambling abt. my head is in a whirl.

ah cant be helped. i'm sssooo freaking tired. duh, whos not. but today... tskk... i lost my wallet then found it. haha. then shariff lost his phone and luckily i found it.then had mt a levels listening. damn, the ministry purposely made the ans damn close and difficult to choose. i hope i did ok though. couldnt go for dikir last prac. oh no i am performing tmr! ohno ohno ohno. but band was fun. hehe. just cant wait for 24th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yes. i was in the toilet, looking at myself. duh, i was doing my hair and, and, and at that precise moment, he walks past. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! i was speechless. damn embarassing la. he saw me looking at myself in the mirror grooming myself. i dont why, i feel damn malu!!!!!!! he was actually smiling. i hate that. nono.. i like... ahahahaha.

like whatever... -_- ahahaha..

chiao
its 3 am. the rings around my eyes are showing. EoM have yet to be done, Written report due this fri. Geog essay. Gp package test. and loads more hw. argh.

i need a truckload of chocolates now to unpress this depressed mood. actually not because i'm tired or the workload. it my malay grades. gosh i suck at malay now. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hopes so high for malay lit. but guess what! i'm bottom of the class. yay! great! fantastic! wwwwwwwwweeeeeee!!!!
gggggggggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

they are there but it seems like they are miles away from me.
i miss them but they dont seem to feel like that.
i miss her so badly. i wish i could just hug and tell her that i love her so much.
that i will do anything for her.
but i guess she will never understand whats going on in my life.
she just want me to go her own way.
but she never really thinks what i want or like to do.
i love him too. but he s like never there. i seldom see or even talk to him.
i dont know what he s thinking.
i dont know if they really love me or not.

life suck at the moment.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

i dont fucking understand why she hates me being immersed in my own feaking culture. fuck la, i'll choose the way i want to live my life. is it so wrong to learn more about your own culture? ergh.

Friday, July 13, 2007

feeling extreme emotions this week. at one point sooo sad and then aft that felt ssoo happy. i feel like banging my head on the wall.

i dont understand. i am just being me. why some poeple just cant accept me? ergh actually i dont care wheather u are happy or not with my presence. i will just live on with my life. but when u started bitching about me. i started to think, what wrong had i done to you that u really have to do this to me, BITCH? now that really concerns me. u made me so pissed off that i hate u alot now. having such a nice face and a hot bod is not gonna help in this world. u gotta have a heart. i was thinking, am i such an evil person that u have to do all that to me? oh freak, i am just a frigging human being. i have flaws. being just alil bit weird in class (damn.. i know i am a lil bit weird) doesnt mean anyone has the right to treat me differently u BITCH. being a human, i ponder alot.. why, what have i done to u that made u do all this? seriously.. i keep thinking that i am an evil person.. such a mean person. am i? well, i dont think so. even though sometimes i dont show that i miss somebody doesnt mean i dont. even though i feel sad and lonely deep inside i wont show it. even though i feel like crying, i'll keep it inside. eventhough i am supposed to be smiling, sometimes i dont because i dont feel theres a need to. eventhough i am supposed to be talking, sometimes i dont becuase there is nothing necessary to talk about. in conclusion, i am not what people think i am. only those really close to me will know the real me. like i will go really mad if i get really angry. like throwing chairs at people. oh well bitch, even though i hate u so much i will try not to and accept u being my friend. but oh well, i dont even want to talk to u because all u talk about is about bitching, gossiping, latest trends, latest sale in singapore and all those bimbotic talk. i hate that. cant u like talk about something more practical? eventhough i hate u bitch, i dont know why i still care about u and ur bitchy friends. i still give u tissue and ask whats wrong when u look down and sad. why did i do that? freak la, i feel like some used tool.

terms doesnt help at all. now i really feel like ramming into the wall.

but i guess.. setbacks is apart of growing up. eventhough i did study hard and i know i did, i have to work even much much more harder to get what i dream. i have to get up from this fall. everybody says, 'chill.. its just terms.. its ok..' its ok? freak, its ok? damn its not ok to me! i SERIOUSLY DONT WANT TO GET RETAINED!!! get that! oh my god. i seriously dont know what to do. i know i should get help. but i cant depend on people, they have to study too right. howhowhow. i dont know what to do with my disappointing grades.

ergh. i'll emo some other day.

Saturday, July 07, 2007



aaahhhhwwwww.... i llloooovvvee anuar zain

i am shaheera zain. ahahhaahaha

Friday, July 06, 2007

i wish.. i wish.. if only i were to be much more smarter. if only my brain is not so slow to catch whats being thought. ergh. then i will not have sleepless nights thinking about terms and the upcoming promos.

thats it, i'm going on an intensive fat reducing programme! i am uber, utterly, disgustingly, ergh.. what is that word? FAT. great i just told the whole world i am ... how much smarter can i be. i'll run like 3 times a week and go gym-ing 2 times a week. or if i'm bored with running then i'll resort to swimming. hmm yeah, and i'll be seriously very tired the next day. haiz.

gosh, i dont want to go to sch next week!! because i'll be getting my terms results. :(((((((((( i dont want to see!!!!!! can i just run away? fly off and then come back when all this is over? but i'll face all this la, however shitty all this will be. i will have to adjust my timetable to include the SSP. ergh.

so much hw to do, pw and revision. and this doesnt count band practices. but i am ssooo egg-cited for band to start!!! wweee!!!

i wanna run.. fly.. fly away.. far far far away...

Monday, July 02, 2007

argh. todays trip to the hospital awaken my senses. how people suffer. if u think u are suffering. there are more people out there who is much more worst off then u. watching cik sumy cry in pain made my heart bleed too.. watching cik sham losing weight aft her surgey makes me marvell at the way destiny and fate works for us. i guess these are only words to people reading this unless u experience it yourself the sufferings.. i really pity cik sumy.. cancer...tsk.. surgeries, chemo, her kids are so young.. i just wish she will get better. i realise today that whatever problems that i got is not as bad as what other people have. i am glad i have a loving but ssuuppper conservative, controlling, narrow-minded mother, a father who works from morn till the next morn, a sis who is.. ahaha, i shall not describe her, a bro who is the funniest, weirdest,nonsensical and the most irritating bro one could ever had (khai must be nodding her head vigorously!ahaha), a house with evrything i need; my lappie, handphone, mp3, my deary bed, my sch; acjc and damai, my band, mcs, my uncountable caring friends. huh, how much more can i ask for. thank u so much. my life is sso full, i guess sometimes i forgot the sufferings happening around me.
i think its ok after all not going for the mcs reunion lunch just now, considering i've gained so much of life lessons today.

these happenings just burns my desire and will to work hard and work in UNESCO.:) and not forgetting taking over UN!! ahaha. big dreams.

this is like the third time i'm listeing to fantasy for eupho. i was dreaming of myself playing in a concert with me as the soloist. woah, damn nice, with my tone like the one in this recording. i bet people will turn their heads when they hear me play. ahahaha. i'm dreaming again. big dreams.

speaking of dreams.. i had this stupid weird dream. i actually went to prom night with.. erm.. erm.. ok.. whatever.

oh yes!! i saw a real electric guitar in the bas today!! gah! i was staring at it the whole time that the guy thought i was looking at him. ergh. but the guitar was of course in the case so i am only staring at the case of the guitar. which is quite pathetic.
i am ssoo weird, fancy going crazy over guitars. oh well.

argh. freedom. i seriously need that. if i cant get it. i'll freaking claim it forcefully from u. yeah. dont treat me like a child because i am not one anymore. hear that. errrggggghhhhhh.................................

chiao la.

Sunday, July 01, 2007



i am officially going ga-ga over him................
aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
zzzzooooo my goooddd... i am sssooo deprived of band practice!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when is band practice gonna start???? whenwhenwhen!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. toots. thanks to irna, now i am crazy over lifehouse. thanks to seha, i cant get over the harry potter tune in my head. i still remember when i first played the harry potter song in band. it sounds like a lullaby. damn nice. thanks to enjia now i can download my own choice of songs online for FREE!! hear that!! for free!!! wwweee!!!!!!!!! i miss damaiwindz like ssssoooo much............. i remembered us playing all those songs and then laughing when we made a stupid mistake. overture jubiloso, concerto d'amor, ammerland, seventh night of july, eagle bend, silver gazebo, ross roy, rock and roll hall of fame, sponge bob squarepants haha.. cute stupid songs. band songs. thats what i want to play right now. and i want to play music!!!! aaaahhhh!!!!!!! i was looking back to all our photos. haha, balloon hat festival was the bestest performance i had ever had with damaiwindz. tsk. i wanna see my juniors. but ultimately, i want to be able to play songs like fantasy for euphonium and carnival of venice. hehe. big dreams. insyallah, i can. :) have to work extra x5 hard.

ok.. terms are finally over. such a relief. thanks gerdine, for lending your shoulder before geog paper. if not, i will just sit in the toilet for the whole exam. hehe. no hope. i will just prepare myself mentally for disappoinments again. SSP is for sure. gah. promos, i will dddoooo muuuuccchhhh beeettttteeerrrr!!!!!!! ok.. mugging will start soon for promos. for a levels sake, i will anything. argh. no life.

thurs was supposedly to be my last paper but but but.. a level mt oral came smacking into my face the next day. argh. screw it. i didnt elaborate my points, i spoke too fast and i didnt gave examples. damn. pressure is on me to get at least an a for malay. if not, i shall not be called a malay lit student. argh. then went emo-ing alone at bleachers while waiting for seha. erm.. no i went relaxing at the bleachers alone. yup, yup, relaxing. here's what i wrote while at the bleachers.

Angin petang menggesel pipiku
Sinar mentari petang manggigit kulit
Aku melihat mereka berlari-lari anak
Hatiku berdetik dan mindaku
teringatkannya
Ah, betapa aku merinduinya
Tka itu hatiku berdetak dengan pantas

Angin petang menggesel pipiku
Alunan musik mengusik melodi hati (this is damn jiwang karat.. i know)
Kelihatan dirinya sendang berlari juga
Hatiku menggarah mataku menatapnya
Mindaku menghalangnya
Aku tersenyum simpul
Aku tertunduk, hati berdentum kuat
Mataku mengerling ke arahnya.
Firasatku memberitahu bahawa dia merasa apa yang ku rasa

Angin petang menggesel pipiku
Bibirku mengukir senyuman
Dia mendonggak ke langit
Raut mukanya menahan perit mentari
Aku tahu dia tahu kehadiranku di sini
Aku tahu dia tahu perasaanku ini

the second part of it.. i shall post another day. yuck. cant believe that i can actually compose a poem as mushy as this. yup, this sums up what i see and feel at that point of time. do not ask anything abt this.

section dinner at breeks made me broke. hesh. but ok la, since its once in while that i eat with the j3s.hhmm.. sat, went to jb. i felt scared. damn scared. it was soo hot. steaming maut beb, then people are all pushing and not caring abt a hell, they just pushed to get to the bas, the front of the immigration couter and whatso ever. scary seh. i ended up shouting.. eh chill ah.. the bas is not gonna run away what! and people stopped for a sec and looked at me. but of course, it doesnt have any effect on them.

now... loads of unfinished hw, PW and housework.why girls are stereotyped to do housework? seriously, why cant guys be the ones doing it?? ergh. i want to go swimming, cycling and shopping! anyone wanna join??? ahaha.i will try to do my work now.

chiao.