i am me. therefore i am.

its been quite sometime since i blogged. too tired, too busy or just lazy. yeah. the weeks after terms is horrible as the harsh reality hits me. my grades suck big time. oh, do i have to annouce it. damn. its just disappointing, upsetting, draining and a hell of a time when you had put in soo much effort time energy and u still fail. and that, badly too.

just feel like locking myself up in a dark room where no one can see. then i can cry my hearts out and scream my lungs out. but i dont seem to be able to let out the emotions in me. i can only write it here and of course i cant simply say everthing here. the emotions is so great that i just cant let it out of me. i dont know. i feel so numbed. disappointed,drained mentally physically and emotionally. esp when people start comparing their grades or they start talking about sudies. which is like always. it makes me cringe into a corner. the prospect of me having to break the horrible news to mum just gives me sleepless night thinking about it.

i dont know. i feel so confused. i dont know what to do. how to react or what am i feeling. ah i shouldnt think so much. i know i should get up again and fight on. this is just only terms not yet A's. but i admit, i'm not a strong person mentally. i feel like giving up, stop all and just stop everything. but of course, its the stupidest thing that any human being in their normal state would do. i dont know where to get the energy to move on. i dont know who to hang on when i need a listening ear. i dont know whose shoulder i can lean on to cry. mum? she'll just scold me back and we'll start fighting again. friends? i dont know. i seem to have loads of them. in sch, band, mcs, damai, outside friends. but, i dont know. they are just friends.. just there. ggrr i hope nobody reads this post.

i shall just hang on. study, study and study. this race has only just begun. well done girl. hang on there. i'll be ok i guess.