today i thought at least theres chapel today then i can relax at lt 1. i felt quite happy la because usually in the morn i will feel very lethargic. but then.. aft chapel i saw him la............... that was okay. i actually smiled frm ear to ear la. :) but but but but. ergh. i saw a girl sitting beside him and they were sharing water!!!!!! she drank frm his water bottle! like wth!!! ok, i'm not jealous ok. i'm not. i'm not jealous. no,no. disgusting.yuck. and i'm not jealous. like whatever la. then my nose start to act up. its like running tap water la. i used like 3 pkts of tissue and i keep coughing. hesh. it lasted the whole day. then.... amazingly, when i reach lt4, aft sch, to watch the band play, my nose recovered!!! wow. wow. wow. like some karma or dejavu. haha. i'm talking crap here.

homework+tests+pw+mcs+band+school=i am dead

i have pe tmr!!!! no..no... nafa.... no..no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its been like 5 days and i still havent recover yet. god, make me well again... ergh. i missed out on justin's b'day celebration with the j3s. seriously i dont really know the j3s. i should get to know them. hhmm...

but i feel really accomplished. because i managed to finish my homework on sat itself. yay!!!
:) :) :) but today i feel really tired and sick. haiz. i cant go out to de-stress. theres just so many stuff to do. my social life is gone. hesh. just now went to study with aishah j. and she says i really looked tired and stressed. diff frm what i used to be. yup, i guess she's right. i should learn to relax and stop thinking abt studying. but i still have yet to finish my revision on geog. and that is both human and physical. theres still my weakest subject in my whole life, MATH!!! how i loathe math.

i just feel so tired and sick. i am not even in the syf team and i am feel ing all stressed up abt studies. what if i'm in syf. will i be able to cope? whats gonna happen in the future when i have to divide my time btw studies and band while excelling in both? i dont want any answers to these questions. i just want to get back to my books now.

chiao.

aye, mcs just makes me smile. its so fun being with them. know why, because i can be ME!!!

hhhmmm.. not going to school is really boring. maybe because i'm so used to being busy. but i kinda miss my friends. esp .... haha, its only a day but i still miss them. i must be crazy.

yesterday was super egg-citing! so i shall blog abt it. haha..maybe because i saw him like alot alot alot yesterday. hahaha. malay lesson was as usual.. super fun. but the only spoiler was najmah. eehhww. when she came in everybody was like..what the hell is she doing here man..whatever man. h2 malay is going crazy.. no no, cikgu jam is. she gave us tons of hw la. what the hell. i am really at a lost for geog. die die die. i think the econs test was supposedly to be easy. but i screw it, of course. another failure. man... at the rate i'm going, i will have to study harder to pass my promos. seriously i cant bear to get kicked out of ac or get retained. mum will send me to poly or worst still, which i recently heard abt, they are thinking of sending me to pesentren. something like a boarding madrasah. crazy. eh, i should not think or talk abt studies. the doc says i am severely stressed out. hahaha, me? even aft seeing him. nah, cant be. then she says i have gastric. ouh man. no time to eat + no appetite =i dont eat = gastric. hesh. the most shocking thing is, she suspects i have sinus. ooouuhhhh man!! my throat makes me sound like some rocker. hahaha. then this headache is killing me.

aft sch went to lib as usual, hehehe. wweee!!! oh well, when i reach there he wasnt there. which was..a relief. kinda. dont know why i feel that way. i dread seeing him. but i feel really happy when i see him. i will not stop smiling when he is nearby. haiya. so i met up with the mcs ppl to do my publicity stuff. and it was damn leceh. i had to go up and down the stairs. but it was funny due to adlin's kecoh-ness.haha..
i only realised he was in the lib when i came up for the third time aft printing the letters. i came up the stairs ungalm-ly panting. the i ran to my seat. ok i walked unglamly la. then i start putting in the letters into the envelope. then i feel really uncomfortable. what do u call this..? intuition is it? i look to my left and tah-dah!!! i caught him looking at me. or is it just me that is prasaan? hahaha. self concious. i had to keep going in and out of the lib and every time i am at some stairs, any stairs in sch, i will pass by him. oh.. thats called destiny. muahahaha. ok, then i went up the lib stairs to pack up my stuff to go for band. then he also packs his stuff and went down the stairs. then we pass by la. and he says.. 'hey..' then smile at me. oh my god. i was stunned la. i just smiled very very broadly to him. i couldnt stop smiling after that. haha. ok , i shall stop ranting abt him. now i'm feeling kinda scared when the time comes that i will not see him again. eehhww.. why am i talking so mushy-ly. yuck.

band was super fun. scheherazade, just make my day. oh ya.. i gave my sect mates cards and bisuits. to cheer them on!!wwee!!! go ac band! i knows its difficult. to juggle band and studies. plus u gotta push urself to play well. play music as ac band. until like alot of ppl fell sick the last few days. but its just a few more days to keep on pushing. and on 11 may it'll be the best. haiz. i am excited abt this. but sadly i cant watch them play at sch. waliao, already i'm not in the syf team. now i cant even watch them play. how much worse can it get. i feel so left out la. and useless. because i dont contribute anything to ac band. like i'm taking up some space in ac. where as some other deserving ppl should have gotten my place in ac. yet, yet. haiz. like irna say, haiya, they need us for what anyway, they have the syf band what. its not like we can play so well.. kinda true eh.. so many people are going to quit band. i feel so sad. superbly sad. questions run through my head. will i be able to fit back in? what will the others think of me? must be that i'm a lousy player. will my sound stick out? will i be able to be as good as them now that they have had intensive training under dr lee. i must have missed out on alot of stuff that they have learnt. and their little jokes. they have bonded together, while i feel so unbonded, seperated. like i cant face the rest anymore. wah.. so emo. but thats what has been going thru my mind. as i listen back to all the concert pieces, tears just rolled down. i remembered concert day. maybe i just miss ac band badly. as i listen to scheherazade, i ask myself, will we be able to play as good as the recording? or even better? reading the band members blogs, i just cry again. i had never been so touched by the passion for music. in damai it was diff. in ac, everyone is passionate abt making music. the feeling just chokes me up.

this feeling just brings my mood down. i feel so useless la. being good in neither band nor studies. what am i doing in ac? what am i thinking man.. no, no, i should not think anymore. i should sleep now. yup, rest. i seriously dont want my health to deteriorate because i need to study.
study is good.
study is good
study is good

hesh. i'll stop here. i dont want to get feeling all sad. ouh man, this headache is killing me again.
chiao.

wwwweeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE THURSDAYS man... hahaha. because.... i saw him him him him him him him alot alot alot of time.wow, freaking alot of time. he even smile and say hello to me. how great, yeah. so very happy. happy. happy.

but i am not going to sch tmr. sick. again. ouh man. now i feel terrible. tmr i'll say more. when i have the time. now, i badly need my sleep.

him him him him him.hahaha.hot hot hot hot hot hot.

chiao.

i just say this directly. i feel like an outcast and so useless to acband. yup. so many things to say. but i have tons of hw to do. tests. this is like killing me man.i will say more when i feel like opening up.

joke of the day-irna told me abt her sect joke; the banana joke.. muahaha.ok, i'm laughing so uncontrolably now.

whatever.

ouh man...i feel so sick. and i couldnt study at all. damn it la. how to pass my tests like this..aaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wwwwwwwweeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! yesterday was ssssooooo super fffuunnnn!!!!!!!!!! friday was super fun too! precisely because its friday! muahahaha.. and then irna gave me a foot theraphy.. oh my goodness.. we walked almost the two whole shopping centres.. and she keep going in and out of almost every shop..
i thought my leg is gonna break.. somemore before that during swim pe both of my legs got cramped up..hahaha... ok.. we went window shopping at raffles city mall and city link mall.. then we eat monday cold funge at macs..hahaha... thats what irna say to the teller at mac and she actualy laughed at irna. hahaha..i was gaffawing uncontrolably..sundae hot fudge was like heaven!!!
then yesterday i meet up with the mcs ppl at sch first. ergh.. i bumped into him again.. ouh man.. i was really hoping and avoiding my best not to get bumped into him.. whats more i think he saw me. oh man... but oh well.. who cares.. ok.. back to mcs, we cleared the store room and celebrated the belated people's birthday by smashing the cake into their faces!!! muaaahahaha... i did it on udaya... lalala.. hahaha.. the cake went into her nose..hehehe.. seha got it, faris, hazimah and i cant remember who kena.. muahahaha..
so fun.. smashing cake into ppl's faces.. hahaha..then went for the miq competition.. wow.. really learnt alot about the civilisation of islam. and i got gastric during the competition. oh well.. thats because i didnt eat the day before, then i didnt eat breakfast and lucnh that day so aft that, we quickly went for dinner at banquet!!!!! wwweee........!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahah then played this stupid number game. whoever lost had to drink this soup which we mixed with sambal, coke, soya bean wantan mee gravy and alot more. hahaha.. can u just imagine their faces.. muahahaha... the first one to get it was faris, then syahida, udaya then hazima.. muahahaaha.... aft that they went to the pasar malam but i went home la.. later mum will start nagging at me..haha...

i just realise there is no sch on tues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh.. i have a seminar on al quran at expo. ok..then i have to prepare for geog test. and i still havent finish studying for econs test tmr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!aaarrrggghhh..
theres like malay hw and test, gp essay too..oh no.. and the gpp..
oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. i should studying now.

i feel so tired emotionally, physically and mentally. sometimes i wonder how people can be so driven, have so much motivation to go on and push themselves to the limit even though its difficult. today, dance got gold with honours.so many performing arts in ac got gold or gold with honours. good job guys! so proud of u all for brining ac's name to a new height. but that just means more pressure on the band to get gold with honours.

i know a lot of them are really stressed out now. i know, even though u dont tell me.:) i guess it cant be helped. even the non-syf people are feeling it. so many things have been happening. which i am not suppose to tell anyone. b'cos i've promised the person i wont tell anyone. so i'll shut up here.

i DONT LIKE my class. super bimbotic, pretentious, attention-seeker class. ergh, i just realise they have been taking advanage of me. how nice of them and how stupid i am. unless they accept me for what i am and treat me like a person that exist, i will be a bitch to them. oh well, i am not that mean la. just treat me decently and u will get ur respect from me. if not, bole blah.

i think i am begining to hate him. dont ask me why, the reasons are too complex. i'm half glad i am feeling this because i'll be able to concentrate on my studies better rather then spend my precious time thinking about u. waste my time.

heh, its 12.15am now, but still have geog essay, gp essay, malay compre and malay test all due in a few hours time. wow, great. eh, eh, coffee actually kept me awake la! wow. hahaha..i actually finished studying for econs ad half way thru geog which is still such a long way to go all in one night. power right the coffee.. i know, i know.. hahaha..

ok..i better start doing my work.
chiao.

ok, i want to announce that i think malay literature is damn super cool!!! its like music, u can express what u feel through it and the way u deliver the poems is like u playing ur instrument... woww........... i really think its cool. and cikgu said that at last i understand how to interpret and apply the poems that we have learnt. so in short i have improve. yay, even though its a very minimal improvement. at last, i found back my passion for malay lang.

i keep thinking abt my studies. which i am really bad at. i think my time management suck big time. and yeah, i fell asleep yesterday without finishing my hw or even study anything. i should really do something aboout this. even it is extreme. but seriously i dont know what to do to stop myself from falling asleep. in sch i dont fall asleep but once i reach home, my eyes will water and go heavier and heavier till i fall asleep without me realising it. ouh man.. what should i do???? i am really desperate to pass my terms and promos especially!! if i get retained, mum will take me out of ac and send me to poly instead. no way will that happen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no, never. i will pass my promos, pass a levels with flying colours and get into nus with my choice course. oh well, easier said then done.

i should drink lots of coffee then. i think that will work for now. lets see huh..

chiao. :)

oh my, my mind is in a whirl now. what i am gonna say goes to diff indiv. so if u think i am talking abt u, hahaha

seeing u today just brings sadness to me because i realise i __ u (by the way, the blank is not'love'). i guess its better that we dont meet at all. i feel so awkward and embarassed when we meet. u seem awkward too. i know that even if it doesnt seem obvious to anyone.

it seem such a long time since we talked and when we talked, u bark at me. and know what i feel hurt. i know, i am such a petty person.

i dont know whats happening. where is all the talk about being together through thick and thin? being like a family? where is the encouragement that u always talk about? is acheiving so much so impt? i think it is the process and lesson learnt along the way that is the most impt. NOT the medal. to a certain extent, i do understand it is, but it is not everything.

where is the passion that used to run through me? where has to lost to? i wonder.

what is my purpose of being here? why am i doing something i have never wanted to?

god, i know he has plans for me. but just give me strength and love to help me suvive the rest of my life in this world.

i dont know whats happening to the world. the people. so much violence around. no one cares about anybody anymore. where is the care and love? so many people dying, suffering. the world is dying. so much pollution, greenhouse effect, glaciers melting. unless we do something, we will fall into an iceage in 50 years time. oh no.

now, i shall slap myself if i fall asleep again. i cant believe that i actually fall asleep but i didnt know i feel asleep. haha. slap myself* slap myself*
anyway, i think i am going to fail alot of my tests... HAIZ. but hell no, i am not just gonna whine and complain that i am going to fail, i will study more! anyway, that the only way to forget abt u.

i bet if i just disappear frm the face of this earth, no one would actually notice it. haha. omg, my body is aching all over frm pe just now la..hesh.

how insignificant i am. oh well, chiao.

me: i just wonder how my friends can be so slack and can achieve so much at the same time...
me, saying in a dreamy voice..

aunt: yalah.. they are naturally clever what...
me: !!!!???
me: oh.. u mean i am naturally stupid la..?
aunt: i didnt say that....
and she smiles.

eeeerrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really dont feel like going to school tmr. anyway, i havent even completed any of my hw.

i seriously feel like pulling my hair out bald. aarrrggghhh!!!!!

but, lesson learnt today at religious class: patience and sleflessness.
i shall have patience and not think of of myself only.
i will do my hw now. hahaha.
chiao.

i feel so suffocated staying at home. i dont like being at home. at least outside there is no shouting. no screaming. no fighting. no boundaries to put me down. i can be me. i used to be so hyper. i used to be me.

i just wanna be me.

there are so many mass killings recently. i feel so deeply abt this but i yet i dont how to let it out.

i need a breather. and yeah, great, my migraine is coming back again. ergh.
chiao

i dont know.. i feel so numb now. today. so numb. i dont know why. the workload. the pressure to do well. the feelings. hormones, i guess.

but i know something, i miss ___. i feel so stupid for feeling like this. i know i should not. i tried to avoid but i just bump into _. ergh. i miss acband. badly. i miss everybody in band. that includes dr lee. :)

but, oh well, scheherazede is keeping me happy. really happy. its amazing how music can affect my life so much. oh! oh! i saw the FULL SCORE for scheherazede just now at esplanade library. oouhh man.. i was so excited!! then.. i saw fauzie laily..hehehehehehehehehe..................

i think i am not myself, one moment i'm feeling all down and emo. now i am smiling.
:)
:)
:)

i need 12 hrs plus of sleep to recover myself.
chiao

i need food badly.............. i want foooooddddddd....... i want chicken macspicy.... eeemmmmm.... ohlala.....
oh my god i think by the end of the two years i am in ac, i think i will look like a pole. no kidding, i have lost so much weight. oh no. and really fast. with what pe is pushing me and the only meal i ate everyday.. hurhur..i dont want to look like a pole!!!! mummy, i want chicken mac spicy+brownies+cheesecake+kfc chicken+ljs fish and chips+famous amos cookies+delifrance breads+swensens blackpepperseafood sphegetti+chocolate+chocolates+chocolates and lots more chocolates!!!!!!!!

the past few days have been superb. i couldnt ask for more. at last i am becoming myself again. :) :) :) lalalala... hahaha.

i should take this opportunity to thank everybody who have given me strength to help me pull through the days aft auditions.. :( everybody in band esp my section mates. thanks alot guys, for comforting me. for giving me lots of tissues and ur shoulders to cry on. haha.

ok, i want to search for any stored away food in my hse now. ffffooooodddddd... where are uuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
chiao.

ok, i didnt realise how many people actually read my blog. i thought my blog is damn obsolete that no one will ever come. but this is the internet, shaheera! everyone has access to it!! omg!!!! like so many people i now realise actually read my blog!!!!!!!!aaarrrggghhh!!!!! i will stop all nonsense of mine abt him. and let me remind u people, i will not entertain any ques abt this guy. u can make any assumptions abt him. but i wont say a thing. b'cos i really dont want anybody to know. if people do know, i'll die of embarassement. and i tell u i'll DIE of EMBARASSMENT.

and know what. i LOVE the SCHEHERAZADE song. omg. i listen to the recording and it sounded like a really romantic love song, esp the 2nd and 3rd movements. i keep listening to it. ah.. so nice.. hahaa.

ok, just now, just before my gp test, i had a 2hr break. which is freaking long right. so i sat with my classmates at can-deck to study for the test later. then, suddenly, a bird flew past and i tell u fast. then blop! the shit fell onto my file and gp package!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! OMG. a bird shit on my gp package just before my test. and the shit is watery white fluid with bits of solid brown stuff everywhere. ergh. i washed all of my stuff that is on the table. gross.

gp test..haiz.. i didnt complete it. haiz, i think my terms marks will really suck. b'cos so far i havent passed an assingment or test. DEMORALISING.

aft sch went esplanade to watch the string ensemble. i dont know what promted me to go. but i went to watch udaya perf. haha, i think she faked through the whole perf. i didnt see her bow moving as swiftly as the others. haha..anyways, aft that, i went exploring the esplanade. omg, the lib is so superb. i will go there to mug. hehe, good way to avoid ppl anyway. muahahahaa.. then the roof terrence was like....oooooooohhhhhhhhh. hahaha. the scenery is so damn nice la. me and seha started to day dream, if we have boyfriends, then we go there.. hahaha. fat hope any time soon. and we took alot of pics. which is seriously stupid. haha.. i shall post it when i get it frm seha. muahahaha. i think we should go there more often to chill-lax there. so cool man...

ok since just now i spent my time enjoying, i shall now, study for geog.. ergh.. migration... hmph..
chiao.

omg. i am so gonna shut up. omg.omg.omg.

oh my god.. so many things had been happening to me during this whole week. mon was my unglam day.ergh. both of the soles of my shoes came off! like what the hell! and it happened at can-deck where he always walk past. and.. at that precise moment.. he passed by me. oh man.. my face feels hot. argh!!! and he can still look at me...(and smile. how great is that, he smiled at me!!!haha) hurhur... i didnt give any reaction because i felt really embarassed. gawd. then i had to get help from gerdine to help me survive those moments. hahaha. she and enjia help me buy superglue to help me survive the day. my classes even finished quite late that day and i still have to go to damai to see them before their syf. i was like..how am i supposed to go to my classes?? then i still have my stupid pw PI to do which is due that day!! how to climb up the lib stairs to do my PI? at last i didnt hand in. there goes my marks. ok.. then aft i finish my classes, i meet mel at qm room and we went together to damai by cab. so yeah, see my sect, how i miss damaiwindz. they sounded out of tune but ok la. i dont want to comment too much later ppl will start talking like-since i go to dr lee's band i look down on other bands. which is not freaking true. went home and i fell asleep right away. damn it la.. i thought i want to mug and finish the rest of my hw. but i managed to get up at 3.30am to do some leftover hw.

on tues, pe was still hell. i ran 4 rounds in 6 min. thats like 4x400m=1.6km!!!:) i was fast! haha. but that was aft Lih yuan pushed me like hell by telling me to run and dont ever stop. we still have to do sit ups, jumps and arm pull. 3 sets of 15. i felt like dying. for the rest of the day, i felt dead. finised sch only at like 5.30pm then i still went for band prac. which i did alot of technique exercises frm aban to work on my lip slurs and triple and double tonging. damn tiring la. i tried to avoid him but i seem to always bump into him. i cant face him.ergh.

wed was the day. i felt quite excited. but aft sch i have sahibba. which i did really badly. my malay is going really down. i used to be so good in it. now i really dont know what i am good in. not in studies not in band. i felt quite useless aft playing that game. oh well, went to sg confer hall with irna and watch damai. they sounded quite nice but some parts are out of place but ok la, get silver. :) i'm happy with that. hahaha. oh yes, i'm supposed to say syad's name. so here, syad syad syad. haha, i told u, syad, i will say ur name. ok, i'm being irritating. haha. u did a good job, my sect. :) proud of u guys. :))

thurs.. i felt happy. because i finished my hw. i did alot,ok. thats like 4 malay article reviews, a whole compre exercise and i managed to study abit. i did all this in the lib. and..and know what, i realised he always go lib and furthermore sit at the same exact seat i always took. oh man..i went up to take that seat to start my work at the same place i always had. and there u go.. i saw him sitting there. i was shocked la. then i took some other scheluded place and do my stuff. hurhur, now i know where he hangs out.. lalala.ok, shut up shaheera. then went for mcs(malay cultural society) meeting. we'll be having a theater production soon, so, yeah, i'm in publicity so i have to strategise our publicity methods on our production. ouh, then its band time again. did long tones and breathing exercises to improve my tone.and i managed to play one of the soliin the scherezde song. dr lee couldnt make it so, the rest have sectionals. went home and i fell asleep straight away.

fri is super bad luck day. aft malay lesson, went to lib to print my PI. then i was late for my swim pe. my first ever swimming lesson. wasnt that excited abt it because i have to wear swim suit in front of ppl.ergh. then aft that lesson, i realised my uniform was soaking wet and dirty. damn. i didnt have any change la! i had to borrow Lih yuan's shirt. i had to wear it the whole day. i look sick in that yellow pe t-shirt. i have to explain to every teacher that asked me to go and change into my uniform. like chow sor lim, "young lady..bla..bla.." damn it. then, yeah, guess what, i bump into him again. oh man............ i was ssssooooooo embarassed!!! my hair was wet, i had to wear that yellow shirt and i smelt of chlorine. how good is that, that i had to meet him that day, super unglam day. bump at the turn to lib stairs. i saw him first, so i just look down,into the floor, embarassed what. then he had to look at me then aft he had gone a few steps back, he LOOKED back. he turned his head ok. ouh man. i felt like my heart wanna drop. then.. during pw, i realised that i had lost my hard copy for my PI. great. ms leow's face wasnt that happy. so, i had to go lib AGAIN to print that PI. AND i had to go in lib with that PE shirt. haiz, so i had to borrow eunice windbreaker to hide under. and the greatest thing is, i got caught and scolded by the librarian. how great. i felt sick of explaining myself for the uptenth time that day so i just say ok, i wont do it again. that was actually the second time i get scolded by that librarian. i think she would have recognised my face for that girl who always come to lib to print her stuff and break rules. ergh.

i totally have no mood that day. which was yesterday. so i was feeling emo throughout the journey home. i was feeling quite insignficant due to the way i was treated by my classmates and by what had happened in band. i miss pae 1aa5. the times we had. haha, those morning breakfast together, lessons and pe was the best. my new class, i felt like they only cared abt themselves. haiz. then band, i feel happy and proud that they are improving really fast and they sounded really good. and that just show that we, that non syf team were the trouble makers. without us, they can do well. how insignificant i am, we are; the non syf team. i miss those times when we spent those late nights together practising for concert. even though we felt really tired and not improving much, we encouraged each other. but now, i just sit in the classrooms and try to figure out the rhythm for the scherezde song-however the correct spelling is. haiz. i miss my sect. i miss saturday practices. i miss saturday lunches and sectionals. now i sit aimlessly at home every sat. 3 more weeks to go. hang on. i miss being in ac band eventhough i am in ac band. get it?being a part of ac band and being together and playing together is two totally diff thing.

i miss ac band.
i shall not touch the com for the next few days. oh no. i have GP test on mon!
chiao.

oh.. i'm left with just pw essay and malay lit essay!!! yay! i feel soo liberated. but i still havent start revising any of the subjects. so.. haha.. theres still a long way to go. today was supposed to go to masjid to celebrate nabi muhammad s.a.w's birthday. but i overslept.:) i think i will fast tmr and on thurs. to compensate my guilt for not celebrating and rejoicing his birthday. i think aft this hols, i feel much more better. even though the depressed feeling is still there. but i guess u gotta move on with ur life right? i realised that mugging is good way to forget ur problems. so i guess i will mug more. haha. spending time with family isnt so bad aft all. i get to talk to mum abt some of the things that i'm not happy abt but the conversation just stopped in the middle. but at least i get to joke and talk to them again like old times. it was something i will treasure. :) i realised that i am starting to like geog more. oh well, partly because of my physical geog tutor.. haahaha.. that inspired me. i guess with geog i can still pursue my dreams of working in UN. hhmm... i can just imagine myself working in africa with my other UN collegues and talking and helping the kids there, with the brown sandy floor.. the african wind blowing past my body.. hahaha.. omg, i'm dreaming..

i have to continue with my work. i feel kind relaxed now. thank god. :)

i wonder how much i will miss out on band when syf is over. it feels wierd to be where i am usually not like being at home and not at lt 4 playing my eupho. now, at home.. trying real hard to concentrate and do my hw. which i dont have much progress with. i wonder what they are doing now.. hhm..

i just realised that my meals are irregular. i dont eat much. i only eat like a meal a day sometimes. but most of the time i dont eat at all. for the whole day. even if i eat, i only eat a slice of fruit which i bought at sch. last band prac, i ate a plate of fried rice before band prac. but i vomitted it out. i dont know why. am i sick?

i should log out now.

theres nothing or no one else that i should blame on except myself that i didnt get into the syf team. i dont know how to face the rest of the band member. esp.. ---------. dr lee, the sLs, esp amirah. like i've let her down. let the sect down. ms sng, b'cos i've failed her expectations. ying da and ming xuan. i dont know how i will survive this next 5 weeks. i keep thinking what a lousy player i am. trying hard to accept the reality that i only participated in 1 syf in my whole life and never taken any solo in my whole band life. never. ever. how great. yesterday practice was boring. i had to battle my feelings and concentrate on that new piece. sian. samuel can come up to me and sheree and say.. eh u are suppose to practise right? wat are u two doing jumping and fooling arnd? u think we like even to be there. hhmmpphh. it was already past 7pm. practice is over for us. so we can jump and scream as we like.

damaiwindz is in bad shape now. tmr i'm gonna see them. i just hope everthing is alright.

for now, i will try to forget abt him. abt band esp... i will mug and mug. and concentrate on the new piece. i will improve so greatly it will amaze them. i will play the two concert pieces so beautifully, i will fill the air with music. serenade the air with the sound of my eupho.

lets see what i have to do this holiday.
1) econs hw
-complete tutorial, essay quest, and essay on scenario analysis
-revise elasticity of markets
2) malay lit hw
- essay on sajak 'kebanjiran' , latihan bahasa
3) malay lang
-4 newspaper article review, another essay
4) pw
- the stupid PI essay
5)math
-tutorial 5 and revision. i need to concentrate on this subject.
6) GP
-another GP essay.
7) geog
-physical:read lecture notes and revise
-human: tutorial 6 complete and revise
8) next week starts the test week. die.

ok, i have to start now.
chiao.

i know i should pick myself aft yesterday's downfall. but i guess i am a weak person. yesterday's audition affected me so badly. i cry myself to sleep. i still feel so upset. i guess i am just not a good player. never will be.

i want to gorge myself with food. then take sheets of paper tear it into small little balls and throw them around my room. then cry myself to sleep, not caring abt my econs essay, malay karangan, geog tutorial and PW all due tmr.

i wish the earth can open up and swollow me up.like at this very moment. NOW.

oh my god i cant take it anymore- he is so cute. :) i am melting every second. oh gosh, i better shut up. :) dont even try to ask who because i will NEVER say. even if u bribe me with a supply of chocolates for a week.

this was taken just before we go on stage to perform tosca.

acjc 2007 eupho section j1s. i thik we look cool man.

warming up and tuning in the corridors.

eh.. dont u think we look really alike? oh my god.. i must tell irna this.

me and irna outside the dressing rooms. we got the same room! haha..

the stairs reminded me of the acs boys standing down at the stairs looking up. i was terrified. haha, and amirah kept saying, keep to ur left girls! haha.. i quickly tuck in my skirt. haha..

at the stairs leading to our dressing rooms.. i think i look good in ac blazer.. no..no.. i think eveyone look good that day.. :)

haha.. i think this pic shows the different side of us..

ok, yeah, i know i look spastic bt edwin justin looked like gays!!! eehhwww....

just after lunch in the artiste lounge.

oh well.. we had nothing to do while waiting for the percussion to be loaded into the lorry so we took pictures.

ac band rock esplanade. wohoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok.. back to reality.i have tons of hw to do. pw is making me crazy. lots of work to catch up on. auditions is changed to tmr. i have to do well. my future lies in watever i do know.

god, give me the strength i need to get on with life for the next two years. because i know i need alot of strength physically, mentally and emotionally. pls make my relationship with my family improve. i know i neglected them because of band and school. i know this is stupid because family is everything. god, forgive me. for i am just one f ur slaves in this world. i need u. i believe in u that u will guide me thru the right path. for i live for u, allah. allah hu akhbar. amin.

i need to do my pw now!!!!!!!!!!!!aarrgghh!!

ARGH!!!! I SHALL TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO SHOW HOW I FEEL. NOW.. I FEEL AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONCENRT IS IN A FEW HOURS TIME!!!!! OH MY GOD! I'M FREAKING EXCITED ABT IT PLUS PLUS PLUS DAMN ANXIOUS. DAMN LA. I CANT SLEEP. DIE LATER SURE I DEAD TIRED. HESH.. NVM.. I WILL DO MY PW SOON AFT THIS.

BUT... MY PANTAT LA...PANTAT LU. U THINK I LIKE IS IT COME HOME SO LATE AT NIGHT?! I WANT TO GO HOME AND SLEEP. THE NEXT DAY THERE IS SCHOOL OK. U DIDNT EVEN CARE ABT ME NOR ABT MY CONCERT ANYMORE LA. WHY CANT U JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I LIKE MUSIC? I WANT TO PLAY MUSIC? WHY U CAN SUPPORT OTHER PEOPLE'S SON DANCING ON CHANNEL 5 BUT U CANT SUPPORT UR OWN FREAKING DAUGHTER PERFORMING AT ESPLANADE? DO U KNOW HOW MANY OF MY FRIENDS ENVY ME BEING ABLE TO PERFORM AT ESPLANADE? U THINK ANYONE CAN PERFORM THERE? EH HELLO, THAT IS AN INTERNATIONAL STAGE LA. PEOPLE ACTUALLY PAY TO LISTEN TO ME. DONT U THINK U SHOULD FEEL PROUD FOR ME. AT LEAST ONCE? FUCK LA. I GUESS U WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. U WILL NOT EVEN FUCKING TRY TO UNDERSTAND ME.

I DONT CARE HOW ATROCIOUS MY GRAMMAR IS OR HOW FUCKING RUDE AND UNCIVILISED I SOUND. I DONT GIVE A DAMN. WHAT I CARE NOW IS TO GIVE MY BEST IN EVERYTHING THAT I COMMIT MYSELF TO. THIS IS MY LIFE. I WILL LEAD THE WAY I WANT IT TO BE. HEAR THAT? SO FUCK OFF.

ijustwanttorammyheadintothewall.

i want to scream. and shout. and scream and shout. auditions is on the 13 th of april. concert is excatly 7 days away. and syf is on the 11th of may. screw me. i'm so dead. i think thats why i dream of dead ppl walking arnd just now morning. i dont think i will get through auditions.

tata.

oh my god.. so many things had been happening to me. its 1am and there's band tmr. concert is in a week's time. i just hope on the concert day i wont screw up like i did on my previous syf. i still feel like i was the cause we got silver instead of gold. screw me.

i feel so very tired. and i think i'm so dead for geog. i seriously need to start studying. PW is out. the alevels has start for me. i feel so overwhelmed. i wish i can go to sleep but i realy cant close my eyes. i feel so lonely. i bet ppl will go like.. wats up with this girl..emo-ing as always. they must really think i'm such a dead person who has no life. oh well. thats me. the old boring as always shaheera. i havent talk to ppl much these days. i try to be as cheerful as possible but ppl will always suddenly ask me,'shaheera, are u ok?' and i will be like..'oh yeah.. nothing..why? do i look like i'm not ok?' then ppl will go like...'yeah, u look really sad.' then i will start monologging with myself..do i really look sad? is my emotions so obvious to the ppl arnd me? and all the more i will start to cover up my emotions by trying to be happy. i guess i'm only good at running away.

i feel like all these that has been happening is overwhelming me. the new class, new subjts, new classmates, new timetable. i dont know how to cope with these changes. i miss badly the pae days with 1aa5. i feel terrible thinking of this. and i know of the upcoming expectations, commitments, hardwork and workload that is punching into my face. at home is equally like shit. i havent talk to mum or dad or anybody in my family for the past few days. everyday, i come home, bathe, change, eat and go into my room to sleep or study. i guess even if i want to talk, they will be busy with their stuff or too tired to hear my stupid rants. so i decided to just mind my own business. i have been quarelling with mum really badly these few days. i really wish i can just go up to her now and hug her and tell her i'm sorry and i love her too much to hurt her feelings. oh, stop crying shaheera!! i really hate this. i always thought that whenever i have a prob, i can just go to the band room and play my instrument. thats where i seek refuge, where i can forget all my probs. but now, the upcoming concert, syf, auditions. how do i handle this. i cant play my piece properly. i practised like shit but still i cant catch up. i'm like so screwed. i dont know what to expect tmr for band.

i just want to scream!
scream
scream
scream

and got to sleep now.
tata.

my blog is my emo headquarters. i just need somewhere i can say my hearts out. i'm just so tired. i wanna scream and cry my hearts out now. i want to run away as fast as i can.

ergh! whos that! omg! its hao! thats wat happens when ppl like hao eat tobasco chilli sauce.. hahaha..

hey, its the class 1aa5 outing!! hehe..

oh, its us..ALL OF US!!! :)

oh yeah.. see that, sa and ac are friends!! hahaha

yeah man.. shek ngai with mr leong!!! muahahaha..

lols..i am a super duper not good photographer. i totally have no flair for photography.. look how bad this pic turns out..

oh.. cant see my face..!

hey, its the dnt class of 2006, 4e3!! yay!!

irna!!! hahaha..

how the hell did eng loong's face got into the com??hesh.. lols.. saw the persons arm at the backgrnd? its zhenrong.. studying, damn hardworking la.. hesh.. the j2s are so hardworking..

the 'tut' way to wear the ac uniform... tsk..tsk.. people.. dont do this..

the himbo bryan.. hahahaha lols..

oh yeah.. enjia.. onjia..hahaha..the LAST day we wear our sec sch uni!! took this aft we receive the frm ac..we were so happy!!!!

susu..su..sulaihah.. man.. she went to pj..:( i'll miss her..

lols.. sarah...we are the chinese+indian but speak malay only pupils in the class! oh well, prob only in ac too...

helga and me..:)

my malay classmates.. kinda dark.. haha

whirl of emotions

the last few days has been such a whirl of emotins for me.. gosh.. the ups and downs.. only to god i pray for his help.

on mon was like the last day 1aa5 2007 will be together ever as a whole class.. gosh.. its was really such an emotional moment.. weiyi cried.. hao became exceptionally crazy. most of us are going to appeal.. at that point of time.. everybody who is appealing were worried shit, like what if they cant get back in.. then.. that night, we went for dinner together. i'll upload the pics i took later. it was fun.. talking to everybody, watching everbody's antics. hahaaha.. when leaving.. i was the first one to leave by the way, i felt this sense of i-cant-let-go feeling.. amazingly i broke down in the mrt.. so embarasing la.. then the next day was doomsday. i got into mj. i cried. again. gosh.. actually i expected it la. i will get posted to mj again. so i was at ac at 9am to hand in my appeal. i saw irfan, weiyi and dora. then my band mates went to vivocity to slack arnd while waiting for band prac at 5pm later that day. but sadly i cant go.. mum wants me home.. so i went home to ease my emo mood at that time. i really felt terrible. having to seperate frm ac mates and adapting to other jc..i cried whenever i was alone.. so i slept most of the time to make myself forget everything. then the next day, i was supposed to report to mj. oh.. how terrible that feeling was. i felt so alone!!!!! like lost.. without any direction. even though there's aishah j with me. we finished our day in sch quite early so we went to town to slack again..to marina square. haha.. and i didnt notice the astro boy shop to the enterance to marina square. reminded me of richie.. hahaha.. that hairstyle. after to marina square, it was band time!! i was only too glad to be there. i didnt realise how attached i was to ac untill then. during sectionals..i cant believe i broke down in front of my sect mates!! gosh i was embarassed like what. that day was like really down. everyone was feeling low. edwin was also feeling so down. sheree.. even though she looks like she's always happy, i know she kinda stress now. amirah also actually wanted to cancel the prac that day. but of course, we cant. hahaha. then at 5.42pm, i got my call from ac!!!!!!!!! i ran around screaming and crying. haha.. secinds later, enjia and the rest got their calls. only 4 of us didnt get through. valerie,liyun, melvin and eileen. i feel so sad for them. i really do.

the next day i thought would be better. only slightly la.. but still.. i report to ac in morning. mum wasnt at all happy. she nag at me like she never nagged before. i thought getting good results would make her let me choose the school that i want but she still want to control it. the meridian ppl still call me.. hahaha.. asked me where i was. hahaha..i was in ac, enjoying my orientation!!! haha.. but then to go back to mj to sign my appeal form. it was such a long journey. i slept in the mrt. i went with stuart, zhan wei, shaun and eng loong. then came bck to ac with them too. quite glad they were there, if not i will be alone again and no one to talk to. it sucks being alone man. i look so pathetic whenever i'm alone. any ways.. then went for subj registration and joined my og. its orientation time!! so happy to meet them!!!! then i saw dora and richie sitting down looking so sad.. so i went over to say harlo.. but i sat down to talk to them.. listening to their rants evoke my guilt feeling that i had aft receiving the ac call. they havent got their appeals approved yet and both were so emo. i really feel so sad for them and guilty too.. for getting into ac without merit... like i cheated the moe system to get wat i want. i question too if i really deserve to be where i am now. am i taking the place of another person who's more deserving then i am? like these 2 people.. i felt so blessed and fortunate to be able to be an acsian. so i tried talking to them. but of course i have my responsibilities. i had band prac so i was again, emo-ing during band prac. but oh well richie got his call the next day so he's quite happy now. but dora... she told me she's still hoping.. haiz.. orientation the next day was great. but i cant go for the campfire night as mr leong wants to treat the dnt studs to swensens that night. yeah.. so missed the high fun at ac.. but its ok..i get to meet my friends aft such a long time.. also, i'll upload the pics later.. when i have the time.. hahaha.. anyways..sat band prac at acsi. it was.. how do i describe it.. hhmm... erm.. the sch was damn posh..airconditioned classrooms, lockers for everybody. super huge hall with aircon. scenic look outside the canteen and airconditioned somemore.. man.. the canteen looks like a hotel dining place.. even the boarding hse windows were nicer then my hse windows!!! how lucky u acsi boys are man...

aft the band prac, there was this emo speech by the j3s and the exco members. i tried to hide myself frm crying. but .. oh well, i didnt managed to do it. i think the j2's must be like blaming the j1s for the band's current performance. i just feel so sucky. b'cos i've tried so hard to improve, but just didnt improve. i suck. i felt like it was my fault that the band is like this. i didnt give more. i realised how much they feel for acband. how high they have brought acband to. and i dont want to be one of those ppl who bring ac band down aft such a lot of hardwork, time, effort and tears given out. i feel like crying now. i feel confused too. like what should i do to make ourselves as good as the last batch? i want us to imrove badly. i want this concert to be the best concert in my life since it is the first for me. i want ac band to be greater then before! but i dont know if everybody feels like i do. haiz.......

at home is stressful. i want to go out. escape frm all this.. i want to run away.

my entry is always sooo long and emo so i shall stop here.
tata, chiao.

the j3 speech has really affected me. i couldnt sleep i kept thinking. i shall say more when i'm not confused anymore. i feel so crap. and i feel like crying. oh, watever.

haha.. nothing better to do.. oh well.. i just wanna take the smiley face which was covered by the construction stuff for the performing arts centre.

"in all these things we shall be more than conquerors through him"

yay! my class photo! but not everyone is here..

this was sharon's(my art classmate)! not mine! haha. i dont know how she got hold of this thing. but it was really funny when she took it out.

anyways.. i shall post all tmr. i'm tired frm band prac. tired emotionally and physically. damn freaking tired.

i really feel like crying now. on mon will be the last day all of us ac J1s will be sitting in the hall and be called acsians. uwah!!!!!!! i will miss my classmates. gosh, we havent even had 1 class outing where everybody is present la.. when they went out on founder's day, i had band prac.. every time, band prac. band prac. i dont even see my family much. i miss them. i really do.... i cant believe i will sacrifice so much for ac band. but i dont mind, i will still come for band.

i'm not complaining abt band prac, its just that i'm feeling emo now.. with the uncertain future that lies ahead of me.. wheather if i can get into ac on tues.. now that i heard the points for the jcs had been lowered drastically.. then the prospect of seperation frm all the frens that i had made in ac; og mates, classmates, esp ac band mates.. god, help me be strong to face this. i feeling damn tired la. there's even a test on mon!!!! how am i supposed to concentrate to study? on mon, i will bring acmera and take lots of pic. so that i wil remember these ppl and not forget them! :)

luckily, to compensate for my unhappiness, band prac just now was superb! lunch was fun. hahaha.. i was sitting in front of the hot chocolate pot all the time, eating the fondue. hahaha.. i just cant resist chocolate when there's one. and during combine, we showed dr lee that we had practised! :) eh, i really did alot of individuals. so tiring la. the nxt day hist test and i'm still hugging my eupho at 9pm in Lt4.. man how is that? i think i hug my eupho more then i hug my bloster at home.

hhmm.. i have to do southeast asia hist research now!!! aarrgghh!!! i think i'm gonna screwed the test on mon man..
tat, gotta chiao first.

moving on.

oh gosh, moving on is sso great and ssoo not great. great thing is, i get to meet new great ppl that i will nvr forget in my life! my og mates, classmates- 1aa5! my band mates everybody in ac.. how i love these ppl. i just dont know if i can still be wif them aft JAE. the future seems so uncertain for me. i dont know if i can get into ac. everyday, i think abt this. haiz. haiz.HAIZ. this issue is bothering me everyday. i think abt this everyday. HAIZ. the not soo great thing abt moving on is, i'll freaking miss DAMAI SECONDARY SECHOOL!!!!!!! gosh, all my peeps, my classmates, my band mates. i miss morning assembly where mr raj will go, sch, pls stand. but nobody will get there butts off the parade square. i miss those times when i can still eat my breakfast at 7 am haha, then rush to take bas no 65 wif faris..ehem. then run to the gate wif mr yu saying, run! run! hahaha.. then walk slowly to class. making the first period teachers pissed off for coming in late. muahahaha. i miss in btw lessons where we will make trips to toilet and sit on the wooden bench. i miss the guys running ard the class and giving me sweets! hahaha. i miss mt lessons when me and bai will make it our napping time. hahaha. i miss bai's crapping and the class laughter at our jokes. i miss speaking malay like a malay student. talking in our lingo. i miss recess. i miss the food at the canteen. i miss bookshop time. i miss pe time. the guys running arnd hahaha. the gerls screamig playing floorball. i miss dnt class. the horrible june hols we had. well, not hols considering we had to come to sch everyday frm 8 to 4 to do our proj. i still remember half the class had given up b'cos it was soo difficult. the gerls were crying and the guys staring into the air, each not knowing what to do wif their proj at that time. but we stick thru. and we produced works that not many students can produce, only dnt students of damai sec can produce. muahahahaha. i miss the teachers. so crappy, sometimes they so emo, sometimes they so serious. haha, remembering this made me laugh at their antics. i miss higher malay lessons at temasek sec. those trips we had make frm damai to temasek every week. eating lunch in the bas. haha. bai laughing so loudly in the bas. muahahaha. khai, eating my homemade lunch.. damn delicious la. me, emo-ing out of the bas windows. haha, i miss my hml class peeps. hml lessons was ssoo fun. i could be me. and not be anybody else. i miss cikgu sahriana. the best teacher anybody could have. i miss tuition times. wif andy's nagging and aaron marcus farah marc and qi han and lester's crapping ard. makes tuition ssoo much lively. i miss these ppl badly.

gosh. this is what i call fated. when i first come into damai, i hate it to the core. it was not my sch of choice. it was my last choice. actually before i was posted there, i had dreamt i was standing at the atrium. but of course i didnt know that that place was actually damai. when i get into damai then i realise, i am fated to be here. and i accepted it since it was god's will. his plan for me. thank u god. for planing this for me.

i got to get back to reality and move on. MOVE ON AND STOP BEING NOSTALGIC GERL!! ok, ok. i'm freaking stressed out wif band. i know i'm not performing up to the expectations. what with SYF coming and the concert. studies? i'm slacking like hell. i'm not studying at all la. i plan to catch up during this chinese new year. i'm in a state of confusion abt my subj combi. i seriously DONT WANT to drop art. thats like the only subj thats when i'm doing i'm happy. i'll forget all my troubles. i know i'm good at it and it makes me feel good. i need that kind of feeling esp when u have single digit scorers in ur sch ok.. but mum wants me to take malay lit. i'm fine but its just that, if i want to take malay lit, i have to drop art. opportunity cost. hahaha econs. i dont want to drop art!! nobody knows how deep is my passion for art. darah seni da memang mengalir di dalam tubuh, nak buat mcm mane.. hahahaha. wats more, juggling wif all kinds of feelingS when i come for band, its really difficult seh. HAIZ. -that is, if u know what i mean..

i'll be meeting hiq, khai, az and sha in a few days time. i'm so excited abt it la!!!! i'll be meeting farah soon too! gosh, i'm so excited!! hiq and khai will be crashing into ac nxt mon..hehehehe...
anyways, just know all my cuzins come here for like a gathering. haha, being together wif family is the best thing on earth!!

i think i wrote too much. i'll stop here.
tata.

my class photo, with an extra guy in front, blocking gen's face..ish.. and gladys look sooo spastic.. hahaha.

oh yeah.. the girls in math class, with justin trying to act cool.. haha, but endded up being not so cool.. haha. saw hao's new red and white shoes? hehez, show off.. muahaha..

aa5 together during math class.. smile more justin.. hahaha..

i seriously think we should have a proper class outing before like anyone of us had to be separated. if that happens, i'll be ssoo sad..:( anyway, richie have yet to send me more photos!!! gimme the photos fast u richie chan and dont make me say those crap again!! or else... hahaha...

i dunno why i'm feeling so emo now.

i guess it must be because of the aftermath of whirl of emotions yesterday.

i feel so suckky la.

i tired so hard today during sectionals.

but still suck.

i need to practice more.

more

more and

more!!!

olevel results?

ok la. but still not up to my expectations.

and yeah. i do feel kinda stupid amongst the single digit scorers.[nothing against these ppl]

but i still thank god for giving me this results.

for all the blessings i got frm Him.

for all the things that had happened.

for i know that there is a reason for it to happen.

i shall be a good girl now and stop coplaining, whining

and like what dr lee said just now, 'get over it pls!'

yeah i will. :)

haha, i'm listening to ross roy now and i feel so nostalgic.

those times with damaiwindz in the olden days. [sobs**]

so nice..aaahhh..

so much has been happening.

i just feel kinda overwhelmed by everything

i need to calm down.

u know u want it but u know u wont get it, so JUST GET OVER IT!!

[if u dont know what i mean for this sentence..then haha to u! interpret it urself!]

I AM TRYING!!!

dont cry b'cos it is over, smile b'cos it happened.

yeah, i'm like smiling now.

hahahahaha

i'm so tired frm band prac and i have tons of hw to do!! i cant open my eyes! i have like 3 hist essaya to do, 1 GP essay, i ML essay, my art and lots more research and readings to do. what am i going to do now? i shall sleep.
and wake up at like 2.30am when i feel better then i can do my work. :)
i shall sleep now then.
tata.

ur support is greatly needed so quickly buy the tics frm me! can gurantee a whole night of wonderful music!! :) anyway its my first ever concert, so yeah, i'm freaking out right now

O LEVEL RESULTS COMING OUT SOON!!!

I'M SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT.

I THINK I'M GONNA SCREW UP ALOT OF SUBJECTS.

LIKE EL, MATHS, HML(DIE LA!), DnT, HIST, SS, BIO AND PHYCHEM.

I'M SO FREAKING DEAD.

I'LL GO AND START DOING MY HW.

LIKE NOW.

I HOPE I DONT CHAT ON MSN.

BYE LA.

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ACJC band's annual MUSE concert

together with ACSI band@ the esplanade on April fools' day

Tickets at $21 or $25

Shostakovich's Festive Overture

Respighi's Feste Romane

Hindemith's March from Symphonic Metamorphosis

Phantom of the Operaand more..

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kiasu hapy hadys

woah.. the hapy hadys were so damn kiasu la.. haiz. anyway, i almost got the phone!! oh my.. heart pain.. ouch..aaarrrggghh!!!!$^(%&££C*&TF U^D *^!!!!!!! i'll say it all in the next post. gtg now. ta ta.

uh-ah

hahaha.. gosh, so long since i've updated my blog. hell, no time la. what with orientation on the first week of sch. heheh.. it was darn fun man. the games, the cheering, mass dance and the friends that i had made will stay in my mind forever!! haha.. such memories should not be forgotten. then starts the lecture week which drags till the end of this week. and i'm trying to adapt to the lecture and tutorial learning style which is difficult. darn.. i always dont know what or where to go whenever there's a break. haha.. i'll almost always go to the band room lor.. But i guess when jc life is in full gear for me, i'll be super busy. not like now. i'm bored. oh well actually no, i'm supposed to do some research for history. what do you call it? independent study? yah, something like that. i really hope i wont slack off. b'cause i've vowed to myself that i'll go through college with success. i wont be retained, able to pass my a levels so that i can go in to my choice course at uni. yah. i hope i can acheive that. which i wont if i dont start doing my research now!! but i dont even know what i am supposed to search on about. :) blur sotong.

oh well other then history, i have econs which i think i understand most of the lecture. and maths? oh, logarithm is clogging up in my brain! help! oh..oh..yes! i am eligible to take H2 art!!!! muahahaha!!! i'm ssoo happy!!!! gosh.. at last i can study art. i can only thank god for giving me this opportunity.:) its only the third week of jc life and i'm panicking. great. i have to get a grip of myself.

During band last week, celebrated edwin's and val's birthday! yay!! haha. and festive overture is killing me. somebody open the ground and let the earth swollow me.

yeah, get a grip shaheera. i can only pray to god that he will keep loving forever.

yay!! hari raya is here again!! haha..good food, spend time with family and watch tv!!! syiok ah!

school's starting in a few days time. kinda nervous for the orientation though. just hope i wont feel left out. saw the leaked mass dance. and it was nice!! :) on thurs will be the first band prac at night. i dunno how to tell mum. sure she will blow her top. nah, i wont think abt it now. it'll make me depress only. i'm gonna enjoy wat's let of the hols. and i still havent finish studying dr lee's 22 musical concepts!! die larh.. tonight must study..haha..

i still havent finish the k-drama, a love to kill, shamil keep using the com larh.. till i cant use it. damn.. rain so hot. hahahahaha..

tata..

hhmm.. quite happy but quite sad.

mum doesnt speak to me.. she barks at me. she nvr look at me, she glares at me. i'll just try to bear with it as long as i can take it.. keep trying to demoralise me.. say me what.. erm.. big butt, fat, blur queen la, cant be trusted la.. what the hell. i dont give a shit la!!!

then at tamp mall, saw ppl that i dont wanna see. ever again! b'cos i feel guilty towards him. i broke his heart and he left me just like that. i didnt get the chance to apolagise. damn.. untill now. luckily i didnt get in tpjc. he's in there. whatever.. but i dont think he saw me just now. i'm pretty positive.

but then.. today buy new shoes! and stationary.. and new socks.. wah.. so long since i buy anything.. somemore the shoes is very expensive..$103!!! hehehe.. use ang pow money frm hari raya la.. atlast! i get to shop!!!!!!! ahahahahahaa.. i'm so happy get to shop..

a few more days and i'll be starting school in ac.. woah.. i cant believe it man..i'm in jc? i'm so old. whatever. o levels results is giving me sleepless nights. and i have weird dreams. darn weird. and embarssing. hhmm.. i'll think first if i wanna say it here.. anyway.. i wanna watch the k-drama at youtube.. a love to kill.. woah.. syiok man.. rain bi.. so cute. hehehe.

till here. tata.

hhmm.. i'm just passing by.. so i stopped to say hello.
but sadly.. my hellos were replied with ...hateful looks and unwelcomed voices.
so.. dont worry, i'll leave soon after i've said my hellos and good byes.

numbed by all the looks.. i dont give a shit. i'll just forget abt it.

forget abt it.

gorgeous rite?
haha.. oh.. i'll miss these ppl badly

i feel so angry.

ssooo very angry. now, some more, listening to ammerland.. i feel like crying.ergh.

aaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i suck. i'm the worst eupho player. acj or mj? i cant made up my mind. i'm confuse and angry.

let the earth open up and swallow me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (starts pulling hair)

tata.

i got into meridian JC then i changed to acjc. Should i be happy? i dont know.. i'm confuse btw which to choose. mummy really wants me to go mj but i'm oredi tied dwn wif acj.. how..? what's more is the dist of the jc frm home. mj isfreakng near and acj is freaking far la.. haiz.. i dont know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but ultimately its the o levels that is important. haiz.. now i'm having paranoia frm the o level results.. skali.. i get like 25 points for my L1R4.. DIE!!! aahh!!!

oh man.. and i'm so tired. frm band pracs.. but it was kinda fun..lols

i'll stop here. tata.

today's band prac is so tiring..hhmm.. i'll need to buck up alot, improve. die la.hesh.. my playing superbly rusty aft so long since the last time i had intensive sectionals. its ages ago man.
and i'm so nervous abt the PAE results. hmm.. if i dont get in ac.. wat should i do? Accept the job offers and start working my ass off? hah..
i've decided to start running again.. since like.. hhmm.. how long has it been? 2 months i guess.. i stopped running. anyway, it'll pass the time. since i have lots of time in my hands. cant believe i'm wasting my life away like this. so i guess i'll start reading lots of books, start doddling and writing sajak (poems in malay)again. hesh.. i'm so bored..

i'll end it here.toddles. oh ya.. i've got the band farewell party pics that we took at the bus stop.. haha.. i'll post it here.

ladadida

ok.. what did i talked abt..? oh ya.. its love.. love has ceased to exist in this world. duh.. look arnd ya.

oh well.. i read this book, tells abt ppl living in haiti. they are freaking SUFFERING man!!! seriously i wanna do something. but i dunno what i should do to help them. actually its not only this book that makes me feel this way. there were other instances since like... last 2 years. Seriously i feel bad abt this. i feel so guilty. like, here we are enjoying lives while they have to suffer.( if thats the case, then what right have we got to be enjoying ourselves?) and look at how some ppl treat them. show them some love la ppl! haiz. gosh i feel so guilty, sympathy for them and disgusted at myself. how i wish i could help them. in any way.

we are so blessed.we've got enough food, clean water, a well furnished hse, family and frens who really care alot and a country so peaceful. we should really reflect ourselves if we are complaining for more.

haiz. i'll stop here.tata.

it has cease to exist. dont ask me waht i'm refering it to. i'm just too disappointed.

too bored to post anything. i'll say something when there's anything happening..
ta.

tired..

wah.. so long since i've blogged.. so much been happening.. even aft o's i'm still feeling super tired.. hesh.. feeling emo..

anyway.. the o levels was super..stressful for me.. i think i have white hairs already.. haha.. i totally flunk my higher malay paper. which is super disappointing. i was going to give up on the next paper but.. yeah, i know i cant. really tested my perserverence man.. i was crying like a baby.. kinda embarassing.. but i survived though..that's an acheivement to me u know.. my biggest worry is maths.. dunno if i can even pass.. haha even at this rate.. i'm still thinking of getting into a jc.. wat a joke! but i'll follow my heart.. i still believe i can make it in to ac.. mon is the interview.. i'm so nervous.. i keep thinking of all the possible questions that the teacher can possibly ask. like... why do you wana go to this jc? do u think u can make it? erm..u're results seems to be quite bad.. why is this so.? aaarrrgggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the past few days.. since going to ac band.. i've learnt alot of things.. meet alot of friends.. something i will never forget and cherish all my life. this is a lifetime experience.. meeting new ppl gives me a greater insight into life.. hahaha.. i talk so chim seh.. my section played so beautifully.. my mouth was gapping when i first heard them playing star wars man.. that triple tonguing!! i still cant do it!!! darn.. im gonna play that song beautifully!! soon!!!!! eerrrgghh.... but amirah and justin was a great help la.. haha..and valerie, sheree and edwin was ssoo funny.. haha.. wish all of us can still be together next year..

i'm so busy now with band, i dunno if i can still have time to work..need money u know..hesh.. badly... somemore with my family's situation like this..hesh.. we willl survive for sure... god is with us..

anyway, i still havent finish watching goong..untill now. yeah i know.. i'm super outdated but wth..i still need to finish it..

tata..chiao...

dunno if i can still go 3 month jc wif my results... its bad.. not up to my expectations.. u dont know how desperate i am to go jc.. :((

prelims results are out.. need to mug. wont be touching the com untill aft O's over

ta tas..

la da

la la la.. haha, i so happy now. the prelims are over.. so is my migraine. funny how it will come at those certain times.. ergh.. and i cant eat panadol.. because i'll shiver aft eating it. so i'll just have to bear with the pain. now, bracing myself for the prelims results. mel lim msg me and told me that if i get like 20 points or below i can go acj for the 3 month trial. yay!! i hope i didnt screw too many subjs.. haha.. i think i flunked most the subjs wif bio and dnt on top of my list. wth larh.. but i still wanna go ac!!!! ergh.. i think that's like the best jc ever! o level must work even harder!!!

fri, aft the last paper i slept like a log. catching my sleep back frm all the sleepless nights during prelims. then surf the net and helped mum prepare the food for breaking fast. was supposed to go terawih wif bai, siti, aishah j and aishah r, but all cant make it. haiz.. i've been waiting to go to terawih since like.. i dunno when...

yesterday was so shiok! one of the best days of my life!! went to study tajwid with ustaz amiri. nice.. i was enlightened!! haha.. then went shopping wif sis and cousin, kak siti, at arab street haaha.. alot of food!!! make my saliva drool seh.. i was thinking of praying at masjid sultan for asar but scared later late reach home. then went nenek hse and break fast wif my uncles, anties, cousins and grandma. eat nasi briyani together on a big plate. like 5 ppl eat on the same platter.. so nice.. then pray and watch sI again.. wah.. hady was sssooo... BRILLIANT!!!! today going to study wif ustaz fahrurrazi then go tuition.. hhmm..

amazing that despite fasting.. i did not feel tired or lethargic. even with my migraine on. that's the blessing of ramadan. i feel fulfilled even! even during the prelims, i was calm... i feel like i dont want to end ramadan, nvm i dont get to eat nice stuff.. but its really worth it.

neway.. need to get dressed for classes today. ta!

8-o

my head's gonna burst frm mugging higher malay. AARRGGHH!!!!! ON MON IS THE START OF PRELIMS!!! argh.. i mean for me.. hml starts on mon.

actually alot had been going on.. i dunno where to start. i have alot to say but no time. bleh.. wth. hhmm migraine hitting me.. i hate this.

i'll make it short and sweet. i dunno wat's hit me. but i juz wanna say THANK YOU!! to farah, for being there when i needed u all this years u stand by my crap. Aisyah sazali for being my confidante in my pursue for my passion. bai and marsela for being so sweet and always beside me when i have no one. hiq, azilah, aishah j., khai, for all the wonderful memories u gave me to fill during my lower sec years- no doubt we've matured to young confident ladies, but i still hope that we'll be like last time. to everyone (gosh.. why am i saying this?? mad..) all, everybody that has step into my life.. good or bad.. whatever it is.. u still had made a big diff in my life today.

the thingis.. i've been thinking bout life.( b'cos i visited the cemetry today) what if tmr i'm no more?? hhmm.. i have so much dreams i want to accomplish.. so many things to say.. so many.. stuff.. wth.. so this is like my ggodbye speech.. in advance.

haha.. my eyes closing and my head going gong-gong
gong
gong
gong
bye lah

this one by ungu-demi waktu



this one by samson-kenangan terindah



this one by dealove-once

lentok banget sih!!muahahaha.. i love this songs!! so nice!

confusing

i dont understand why. why? why? why is it always the good intentions of a person always misunderstood? why? why cant ppl see the goodness of others instead of finding faults with them? why is she treating me like that? like as if i'm wrong? what the hell.. i dont care larh..b'cos i'm not in the wrong!!! and i guess he doesnt and will nvr understand. cant believe that he will want to quit school and work part-time modelling.. gosh.. haiz..

aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam dirimu.

aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yang mungkin bisa kau rindu-dealova

tetapi aku telah berhenti berharap..

anyways. the hols are here. and i dont intend to enjoy. have to mug. bleh, mug, mug, mug.
-_- mugging all day long..

i want to buy a concert bass drum. then can hit my head on it whenever i feel like it. BANG!!

oh yeah... i have to comment on our class performance on teacher's day!! it was the best among ALL of the classes!!! muahaha.. the others were like..hhmm.. no thoughts put into their performance. haha.. great job ppl (ppl who put in alot of effort)!! really enjoyed the perf!

hhmm.. i wanna mug now..

bleh.