ijustwanttorammyheadintothewall.

i want to scream. and shout. and scream and shout. auditions is on the 13 th of april. concert is excatly 7 days away. and syf is on the 11th of may. screw me. i'm so dead. i think thats why i dream of dead ppl walking arnd just now morning. i dont think i will get through auditions.

tata.

oh my god.. so many things had been happening to me. its 1am and there's band tmr. concert is in a week's time. i just hope on the concert day i wont screw up like i did on my previous syf. i still feel like i was the cause we got silver instead of gold. screw me.

i feel so very tired. and i think i'm so dead for geog. i seriously need to start studying. PW is out. the alevels has start for me. i feel so overwhelmed. i wish i can go to sleep but i realy cant close my eyes. i feel so lonely. i bet ppl will go like.. wats up with this girl..emo-ing as always. they must really think i'm such a dead person who has no life. oh well. thats me. the old boring as always shaheera. i havent talk to ppl much these days. i try to be as cheerful as possible but ppl will always suddenly ask me,'shaheera, are u ok?' and i will be like..'oh yeah.. nothing..why? do i look like i'm not ok?' then ppl will go like...'yeah, u look really sad.' then i will start monologging with myself..do i really look sad? is my emotions so obvious to the ppl arnd me? and all the more i will start to cover up my emotions by trying to be happy. i guess i'm only good at running away.

i feel like all these that has been happening is overwhelming me. the new class, new subjts, new classmates, new timetable. i dont know how to cope with these changes. i miss badly the pae days with 1aa5. i feel terrible thinking of this. and i know of the upcoming expectations, commitments, hardwork and workload that is punching into my face. at home is equally like shit. i havent talk to mum or dad or anybody in my family for the past few days. everyday, i come home, bathe, change, eat and go into my room to sleep or study. i guess even if i want to talk, they will be busy with their stuff or too tired to hear my stupid rants. so i decided to just mind my own business. i have been quarelling with mum really badly these few days. i really wish i can just go up to her now and hug her and tell her i'm sorry and i love her too much to hurt her feelings. oh, stop crying shaheera!! i really hate this. i always thought that whenever i have a prob, i can just go to the band room and play my instrument. thats where i seek refuge, where i can forget all my probs. but now, the upcoming concert, syf, auditions. how do i handle this. i cant play my piece properly. i practised like shit but still i cant catch up. i'm like so screwed. i dont know what to expect tmr for band.

i just want to scream!
scream
scream
scream

and got to sleep now.
tata.

my blog is my emo headquarters. i just need somewhere i can say my hearts out. i'm just so tired. i wanna scream and cry my hearts out now. i want to run away as fast as i can.

ergh! whos that! omg! its hao! thats wat happens when ppl like hao eat tobasco chilli sauce.. hahaha..

hey, its the class 1aa5 outing!! hehe..

oh, its us..ALL OF US!!! :)

oh yeah.. see that, sa and ac are friends!! hahaha

yeah man.. shek ngai with mr leong!!! muahahaha..

lols..i am a super duper not good photographer. i totally have no flair for photography.. look how bad this pic turns out..

oh.. cant see my face..!

hey, its the dnt class of 2006, 4e3!! yay!!

irna!!! hahaha..

how the hell did eng loong's face got into the com??hesh.. lols.. saw the persons arm at the backgrnd? its zhenrong.. studying, damn hardworking la.. hesh.. the j2s are so hardworking..

the 'tut' way to wear the ac uniform... tsk..tsk.. people.. dont do this..

the himbo bryan.. hahahaha lols..

oh yeah.. enjia.. onjia..hahaha..the LAST day we wear our sec sch uni!! took this aft we receive the frm ac..we were so happy!!!!

susu..su..sulaihah.. man.. she went to pj..:( i'll miss her..

lols.. sarah...we are the chinese+indian but speak malay only pupils in the class! oh well, prob only in ac too...

helga and me..:)

my malay classmates.. kinda dark.. haha

whirl of emotions

the last few days has been such a whirl of emotins for me.. gosh.. the ups and downs.. only to god i pray for his help.

on mon was like the last day 1aa5 2007 will be together ever as a whole class.. gosh.. its was really such an emotional moment.. weiyi cried.. hao became exceptionally crazy. most of us are going to appeal.. at that point of time.. everybody who is appealing were worried shit, like what if they cant get back in.. then.. that night, we went for dinner together. i'll upload the pics i took later. it was fun.. talking to everybody, watching everbody's antics. hahaaha.. when leaving.. i was the first one to leave by the way, i felt this sense of i-cant-let-go feeling.. amazingly i broke down in the mrt.. so embarasing la.. then the next day was doomsday. i got into mj. i cried. again. gosh.. actually i expected it la. i will get posted to mj again. so i was at ac at 9am to hand in my appeal. i saw irfan, weiyi and dora. then my band mates went to vivocity to slack arnd while waiting for band prac at 5pm later that day. but sadly i cant go.. mum wants me home.. so i went home to ease my emo mood at that time. i really felt terrible. having to seperate frm ac mates and adapting to other jc..i cried whenever i was alone.. so i slept most of the time to make myself forget everything. then the next day, i was supposed to report to mj. oh.. how terrible that feeling was. i felt so alone!!!!! like lost.. without any direction. even though there's aishah j with me. we finished our day in sch quite early so we went to town to slack again..to marina square. haha.. and i didnt notice the astro boy shop to the enterance to marina square. reminded me of richie.. hahaha.. that hairstyle. after to marina square, it was band time!! i was only too glad to be there. i didnt realise how attached i was to ac untill then. during sectionals..i cant believe i broke down in front of my sect mates!! gosh i was embarassed like what. that day was like really down. everyone was feeling low. edwin was also feeling so down. sheree.. even though she looks like she's always happy, i know she kinda stress now. amirah also actually wanted to cancel the prac that day. but of course, we cant. hahaha. then at 5.42pm, i got my call from ac!!!!!!!!! i ran around screaming and crying. haha.. secinds later, enjia and the rest got their calls. only 4 of us didnt get through. valerie,liyun, melvin and eileen. i feel so sad for them. i really do.

the next day i thought would be better. only slightly la.. but still.. i report to ac in morning. mum wasnt at all happy. she nag at me like she never nagged before. i thought getting good results would make her let me choose the school that i want but she still want to control it. the meridian ppl still call me.. hahaha.. asked me where i was. hahaha..i was in ac, enjoying my orientation!!! haha.. but then to go back to mj to sign my appeal form. it was such a long journey. i slept in the mrt. i went with stuart, zhan wei, shaun and eng loong. then came bck to ac with them too. quite glad they were there, if not i will be alone again and no one to talk to. it sucks being alone man. i look so pathetic whenever i'm alone. any ways.. then went for subj registration and joined my og. its orientation time!! so happy to meet them!!!! then i saw dora and richie sitting down looking so sad.. so i went over to say harlo.. but i sat down to talk to them.. listening to their rants evoke my guilt feeling that i had aft receiving the ac call. they havent got their appeals approved yet and both were so emo. i really feel so sad for them and guilty too.. for getting into ac without merit... like i cheated the moe system to get wat i want. i question too if i really deserve to be where i am now. am i taking the place of another person who's more deserving then i am? like these 2 people.. i felt so blessed and fortunate to be able to be an acsian. so i tried talking to them. but of course i have my responsibilities. i had band prac so i was again, emo-ing during band prac. but oh well richie got his call the next day so he's quite happy now. but dora... she told me she's still hoping.. haiz.. orientation the next day was great. but i cant go for the campfire night as mr leong wants to treat the dnt studs to swensens that night. yeah.. so missed the high fun at ac.. but its ok..i get to meet my friends aft such a long time.. also, i'll upload the pics later.. when i have the time.. hahaha.. anyways..sat band prac at acsi. it was.. how do i describe it.. hhmm... erm.. the sch was damn posh..airconditioned classrooms, lockers for everybody. super huge hall with aircon. scenic look outside the canteen and airconditioned somemore.. man.. the canteen looks like a hotel dining place.. even the boarding hse windows were nicer then my hse windows!!! how lucky u acsi boys are man...

aft the band prac, there was this emo speech by the j3s and the exco members. i tried to hide myself frm crying. but .. oh well, i didnt managed to do it. i think the j2's must be like blaming the j1s for the band's current performance. i just feel so sucky. b'cos i've tried so hard to improve, but just didnt improve. i suck. i felt like it was my fault that the band is like this. i didnt give more. i realised how much they feel for acband. how high they have brought acband to. and i dont want to be one of those ppl who bring ac band down aft such a lot of hardwork, time, effort and tears given out. i feel like crying now. i feel confused too. like what should i do to make ourselves as good as the last batch? i want us to imrove badly. i want this concert to be the best concert in my life since it is the first for me. i want ac band to be greater then before! but i dont know if everybody feels like i do. haiz.......

at home is stressful. i want to go out. escape frm all this.. i want to run away.

my entry is always sooo long and emo so i shall stop here.
tata, chiao.

the j3 speech has really affected me. i couldnt sleep i kept thinking. i shall say more when i'm not confused anymore. i feel so crap. and i feel like crying. oh, watever.

haha.. nothing better to do.. oh well.. i just wanna take the smiley face which was covered by the construction stuff for the performing arts centre.

"in all these things we shall be more than conquerors through him"

yay! my class photo! but not everyone is here..

this was sharon's(my art classmate)! not mine! haha. i dont know how she got hold of this thing. but it was really funny when she took it out.

anyways.. i shall post all tmr. i'm tired frm band prac. tired emotionally and physically. damn freaking tired.

i really feel like crying now. on mon will be the last day all of us ac J1s will be sitting in the hall and be called acsians. uwah!!!!!!! i will miss my classmates. gosh, we havent even had 1 class outing where everybody is present la.. when they went out on founder's day, i had band prac.. every time, band prac. band prac. i dont even see my family much. i miss them. i really do.... i cant believe i will sacrifice so much for ac band. but i dont mind, i will still come for band.

i'm not complaining abt band prac, its just that i'm feeling emo now.. with the uncertain future that lies ahead of me.. wheather if i can get into ac on tues.. now that i heard the points for the jcs had been lowered drastically.. then the prospect of seperation frm all the frens that i had made in ac; og mates, classmates, esp ac band mates.. god, help me be strong to face this. i feeling damn tired la. there's even a test on mon!!!! how am i supposed to concentrate to study? on mon, i will bring acmera and take lots of pic. so that i wil remember these ppl and not forget them! :)

luckily, to compensate for my unhappiness, band prac just now was superb! lunch was fun. hahaha.. i was sitting in front of the hot chocolate pot all the time, eating the fondue. hahaha.. i just cant resist chocolate when there's one. and during combine, we showed dr lee that we had practised! :) eh, i really did alot of individuals. so tiring la. the nxt day hist test and i'm still hugging my eupho at 9pm in Lt4.. man how is that? i think i hug my eupho more then i hug my bloster at home.

hhmm.. i have to do southeast asia hist research now!!! aarrgghh!!! i think i'm gonna screwed the test on mon man..
tat, gotta chiao first.