i am me. therefore i am.

oh my god.. so many things had been happening to me. its 1am and there's band tmr. concert is in a week's time. i just hope on the concert day i wont screw up like i did on my previous syf. i still feel like i was the cause we got silver instead of gold. screw me.

i feel so very tired. and i think i'm so dead for geog. i seriously need to start studying. PW is out. the alevels has start for me. i feel so overwhelmed. i wish i can go to sleep but i realy cant close my eyes. i feel so lonely. i bet ppl will go like.. wats up with this girl..emo-ing as always. they must really think i'm such a dead person who has no life. oh well. thats me. the old boring as always shaheera. i havent talk to ppl much these days. i try to be as cheerful as possible but ppl will always suddenly ask me,'shaheera, are u ok?' and i will be like..'oh yeah.. nothing..why? do i look like i'm not ok?' then ppl will go like...'yeah, u look really sad.' then i will start monologging with myself..do i really look sad? is my emotions so obvious to the ppl arnd me? and all the more i will start to cover up my emotions by trying to be happy. i guess i'm only good at running away.

i feel like all these that has been happening is overwhelming me. the new class, new subjts, new classmates, new timetable. i dont know how to cope with these changes. i miss badly the pae days with 1aa5. i feel terrible thinking of this. and i know of the upcoming expectations, commitments, hardwork and workload that is punching into my face. at home is equally like shit. i havent talk to mum or dad or anybody in my family for the past few days. everyday, i come home, bathe, change, eat and go into my room to sleep or study. i guess even if i want to talk, they will be busy with their stuff or too tired to hear my stupid rants. so i decided to just mind my own business. i have been quarelling with mum really badly these few days. i really wish i can just go up to her now and hug her and tell her i'm sorry and i love her too much to hurt her feelings. oh, stop crying shaheera!! i really hate this. i always thought that whenever i have a prob, i can just go to the band room and play my instrument. thats where i seek refuge, where i can forget all my probs. but now, the upcoming concert, syf, auditions. how do i handle this. i cant play my piece properly. i practised like shit but still i cant catch up. i'm like so screwed. i dont know what to expect tmr for band.

i just want to scream!
scream
scream
scream

and got to sleep now.
tata.