another lalalala!!!

i could say no more, christmas concert was super awesome. despite the bumpers that we went through... like me screwing up amazing grace during concert and not during the soundcheck, darren blasting as usual, the js boy's eupho valve got stuck and the whole band screwing up harry potter... it was still awesome! 'cos in the end, its not the result that matters, its the journey along the way that matters.
singing on the choir gallery was an experience only us ac band get. hahaha. felt high, so i started screaming and singing dunno what 'cos i dunno christmas songs lyrics.. hahaha. dr lee was funny. hahaha. we sang tuning note and as usual he pointed to his ear telling us to listen.hahaha.

guess who was the one late for section breakfast? meeee!!! hahaha. loads of gifts exchanged. yeah i got loads of cookies, chocolates, candycanes and loads,loads more. my paper bag felt heavy. thank u guys!! and ian gave me a vietnamese hat. oh my, thanks! hahaha.

will post the pictures i took here, when i get it. not much though.

now, i have to finish my last bits of homework before i fly to KL and be back in time for school!!! oh lalala, homework never felt so good!!

KL here i comeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chiao.

lalalalala

section outing was.. :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thai express at city link mall. then its chocolate shopping. then its yoghurt time. nice, i took peach flavour. took some pics. at this rate, i dont think we'll have a full album by the end of two years.. haha, must camwhore more!!! but, i'm broke, i brought so many present for christmas concert... and i still have to buy school stuff. at this rate how to save for swiss trip.. hhmm, i have to scrimp and save!!!

tmr is concert day. yay!!!! i am ssoo egg-cited and nervous at the same time. breakfast at delifrance with section mates, i hope nobody's late.. hahaha...

next week back to school!!! i cant wait!!! wweee!!!

acbacnd, lets rock esplanade again!!!

chiao.

bad, worse, worst

i got scolded by dr lee today.

now i feel sad. :(

well, its my fault though, i didnt play the way he want me to. :(((

and i said something i shouldnt have to a friend.

now i feel worse.

i always talk before i think and end up hurting people's feelings.

now i feel worst.

oh wells

i should say sorry to that friend of mine.

chiao.

mak mak maksim!!!

i love this song like crazy!!!! it just moves me. esp the chords that the strings are playing.. wweee...



my all time favourites.. i wish i can play the piano man like him. the way he play his music is so passionate and moving. oohhh...

Aidiladha

i need lots of money. yes lots of it. haiz..

and my house is in a mess. the process of moving house is sure tedious and difficult. i have to deal with dust like everyday. then, haha, homework is not done, especially econs online learning. i cant finish day 1 assignments in 1 day. i am soo slow. oh whatever. i'm gonna enjoy my holidays for now.

aidiladha is fun. lontong, fondue, pizza and nasi minyak. wwee!! i feel so fat now. ergh. i need to build up my stamina again before i start having mass pe again. die. too bad i cant see the goats and sheep. bekkk.. hahaha..

pagi ini, takbir raya bergema di seluruh alam, menagungkan kebesarannya, aku hanya berdoa moga keluargaku diberikan kemudahan dalam menempuh cabaran kehidupan. amin. yes, we'll stick together no matter what.

chiao.

bleah.

maybe i was just too sensitive and temperamental.

forgive me, i was being stupid.

chiao.

This is a stupid post

i've been thinking.. maybe i should not lie to myself anymore. first it was eating alone on the days before. then after that it was watching the tv alone. but the most disgusting thing was that, that tut french horn guy come and sat beside me. the rest of his band was like looking at me. what the hell. and i'm being surrounded by pj people at that time. it was so fucking akward la. the days before also during lunch time he came and sat beside me and started talking to me. *rolls eyes* concert ended and there was a rush to get packed up. i could hear people scrambling and cases being luged around as i made my way back to my changing rm. the corridors were empty. heck, i didnt care at that time. but when i came into my room, it was empty. only my beg and my case. i was like, eh, where did everybody go? i felt lost. in such a big place with so many people. so i called a friend to go home with her. but how stupid i was, i forgot she didnt performed. i felt like knocking my head. now, i felt sooo pathetic. shit. ok, then i msged another friend. oh, he is going to have supper with the rest. the rest? where are they? supper? how come i dont know? at that moment, it hit me. i know at least 1001 people there at that time, but none actually cared or know where i am! i felt so isolated, disappointed, alone, left out and pathetic. fucking pathetic la. ("kau asyik2 terhegeh-hegeh dekat org. tapi org tak kisah pun pasal kau. sedar la sikit diri tu!" maybe what she say to me is right.. "bila dorang nak mintak tolong, semua datang dekat kau, kau yang bodoh pun pergi tolong, tapi sekarang, kau mintak tolong dari dorang, ada dorang tolong? dorang tinggalkan kau lagi ada kan?") well, i shouldnt have said it. family? i think its just an illusion on my part. hell, i had to walked all the way to mrt with my eupho. i almost fell on the escalator. and there were blisters on my fingers. i thought i could just throw my eupho into the fountain that is infront of esplanade. but no, i love my eupho too much to do that.

it didnt happen only that night but many other times where i felt so pathetic and alone.

but i wont be bugged down by such petty stuff. but oh well, its an eye opener to how much i meant to people.

chiao.

abhijeet sawant!!!

i loveeee abhijeet sawant! i must go back to my indian roots. hahaha. but hady is equally nice too. oh well, i'll still go for abhijeet!!!! wweee!!! and peter pan performed!!! oh my god ariel!!!

hhmm i'm feeling jazzyy... dont know why i like jazz music now.

band fest is finally over. i felt so tired. but it was a learning experience. being under different conductors these few months has been an eye opener. i still think dr lee is the BEST! haha. bias? i dont care, i have my reasons.
being in fennell was ok. but musically i felt tortured. mr tan aik kee was really nice. my section was nice. but musically, bad... hhmmm.. lets look at the bright side, i enjoyed myself. and i carried my eupho. freak la damn heavy. my arms were screaming for help from esplanade to tampines. but hey, i survived! yess!!

just had another surgery. oh god i dont want anymore surgery can? uwahhh!! it was darn freaking painful uh. and mum is making me stick to porridge again. injection was already enough to freak me out, then there was some bleeding, i dont like seeing blood coming out from my mouth. then come the drilling then the needles and more x-rays. oh gosh. a lil bit of swelling but should be ok by fri for band prac. aahhh another prac...

my hw is not going anywhere. what with geog proj and gp case study. ahhh i'm feeling lazyyy...

abhijeet rocks!!!
chiao.

Nightmares

too bad that i love music but i cant make good music. i feel so terrible. and i envy people who can make music so well.

i want jc band fest to be over. i'm so tired. my tonsilities is killing me. out of tune notes and chords make me have nightmares.

chiao.

immaturity suck

"hai kakak2 ku harap maaf pasal smalam tu bukan saya nak memberontak atau beremosi! tapi tiap tahun jumpa adek beradek ceritanya sama asyik nak kata org! org nak buat baik dgn jln Allah walau cara apa pun kena kata org tu tak betul! ni d kata nama kan akhir zaman? hormat tetamu datang jumpa sekali2 d hari raya! abg ipar pun cabut tak nak dgr! bukan kita sekeluarga tak nak dtg rumah mak jumpa adek beradek ni ceritanya sama! harap maafkan adek mu, buat pengetahuan akak2, adek mu tak ikut mana2 kumpulan atau tarikat"

this was a msg sent by my _______. i dont fucking understand about tarikat. even father has something to do about this tarikat thingy. then he'll go on about all these people called wali who are supposed to be really religious and pure people. i'm just feeling so angry with them. being adults, they are immature enough to fight over such stupid things, making them look like fools in front of us, the younger ones.

bleah la with all these tarikat and religious groups. if u want to be religious and pious so be one. no one is going to stop u in this democratic country. but if u are really pious and religious, u should know that getting into fights with your own siblings on such a beatiful night like on hari raya night is a really bad idea. u are just adding to your list of sins. thats like freaking common sense right?

even though this incident happened like 2 months ago, it'll stay in me for quite sometime.

chiao.

tistis!

guess what? i am adding to list of people in band who has tonsilities. ouch la. having fever, cough and running nose too. given mc for 2 days! imagine how much i'll miss band! just when there'll be intensive band practises from wed to sun, i have to be sick at this point of time. should i go for band tmr or not?

should i?

chiao.

tah dah!!!

tah dah! i had a hard time finding the right colour combinations mind u. ahhh.. its done finally. gawd its so tedious. actually theres another one with flower motifs which i think is nice but theres something wrong with the alingment and editing java script makes me go bonkers. so heck la i take this skin. seriously all the codes and numbers. yuck, numbers...i hate numbers. i dont know why the hell i like this skin. maybe its quite simple and not so dark like my previous one. haha... "hate me then piss off" nah.. thats not me anymore, :) i'm a nicer girl now. hahaha. yeah right.

philharm winds was nice. my bandies peeps occupy the whole row. ahaha, thats alot of us. the band played well. very well in fact. i like all the songs except Symphonies of Wind Instrument by Igor Starvinsky. yuck, i dont like the dissonant chords. ironically, its the only classical piece that was originally written for wind instruments and not transcribed. i love especially the 1812 overture and jazz suite. the piano concerto almost made me doze off. ZZzzz... hhmm.. i think russian music is quite nice.

went for band the next day. was feeling freaking tired la. thank god the js boy didnt come if not we have to give him more attention. 2 new boys joined us. one from barker and the other from acsi. practise was like.. bleah..especially pirates and then dr lee didnt come to conduct band1. :( damn sad la. then aft band was the only egg-citing part. yay, at last we washed our euphos. thanks to edwin and michelle who helped me and sheree washed it spanking clean. heh, it sounds different and feels different too. there was so much greeny gooey stuff. yuck yuck. my fingers smelt of valve oil and slide grease after that. at last we went home at around 9 plus. hhmmm.. i think it was a good section bonding time. its a blessing that my section is small. but we need juniors by next year. anybody wants to join ac band? :) hahaha. all sec fours eupho players only are welcomed . hehe. nah, all are welcomed.

i am quite egg-cited for jc band fest. i want to make alot of friends then i can sell more tickets for next year's concert. marketing strategies. hehe. maybe some from the other 2 bands too, oh well, we'll see. i hope my section is nice.

3 weeks more to go before holidays is gone. poof! just like that! oh no! then i am a j2 in acjc? i cant believe that. oh my god how time flies. i feel soo old. :( i want to stay like this. just going for band practises, performing for concerts, having dinners and lunches with bandies peeps and watching concerts together. ahh..come back from dream land la.

reality check, i still have econs to do. aaaaahhhhhhhhhh !!!

chiao

blogskin

its time i change my blogskin. :)heh, i have few nice ones and i dont know which to use. hhmm..

chiao.

so many glitches. first i cant log in to my intranet account. then theres another technical glitch on my econs online learning website. yay. how to do my homework now. and i need to print like tons of stuff. but i dont have printer and the school library is closed. my laptop is also throwing a tantrum on me. theres no internet connection on that laptop. so here i am on bro's com which has no other application and softwares other than the internet, maple game, O2 jam, Pangya, Stepmania and warcraft. technical glitches suck la. now what do i do?

i'll read my book, study geog and do some math now. i'm so bored la, no one's at home and i'm here all alone facing this stupid technical glitches. yes, i'm whining and complaining now. i need to let off steam.

its ok considering i'm going out to watch philharmonic winds concert tonight. yay!wohooo!

i must practise harder for band. but most importantly, practise correctly. i need more time to do individuals. like i havent got the opportunity yet to practise my parts and get it well since my gums got well. oohh, i must buck up! practise, practise, practise!

chiao.

its sad when people do not appreciate your hardwork for your passion. and they even mock u. making u look like a fool. but i dont feel like one a single tiny weeny bit.

and when i say about this i wonder. what seriously makes u bond with your friends? like your similiarities or your passion for something? if not, what brings u together actually? having said that, if u share the same interest together, shouldnt u all the more support each other in your passion or interest?

i'm just uber disappointed in some of my friends who claim they love band bla..bla..bla.. band.. bla..bla..bla.. and band... just do some soul searching la if u feel like u are one of those friends who treat their friends like that.
what great 'friends' i have! *sarcasm*
having a concert is sure alot of hardwork, mind u people.

and i miss the j2s.:)

chiao.

three consecutive days of banding make me physically drained. sore throat, running nose, coughing non-stop and breathlessness. aahh. stop it i need to practise LOTR tmr. i need to study and do my hw too.

reflecting on my days in damai band with mr wong. i guess now i know why all those things happen. like why we cant be as united as some of us wanted to be. why there is politics going round. why we cant improve in our playing. why we attain only silver and silver in competitions. no matter how hard some of us wanted to make things better. well, partly the conductor's fault. no doubt about that. oh well, its the past. i really thought that i was the only one who hated him like sso much especially during the syf period. his biasness was ssoo suffocating. then i confided in solomon, and yeah, he felt it too. now, aisyah also is feeling it too. well, unless damai band take a new conductor then maybe things will improve. maybe? i dont know.

i'll miss the js boys for awhile. haha.

on sunday, went to 2 weddings. and i ate 2 plates of nasi briyani. oh my god i felt like a glutton. but one of the weddings actually didnt make it, as in the bride actually cancelled it b'cos at the last minute, she admitted that she didnt like the groom. like what the hell seh, u dont like say earlier uh. as the invitation had been given out the so-called wedding reception had to be carried out. sad seh for the parents. tsk.. then aft the weddings, went to nenek hse for shamil and cik sham's birthday. oohh, we had chocolate buffet!!! with marshmellows, bananas, grapes, strawberries and kiwis. oh yes we had biscuit sticks too! like yanyan! hahaha. so fun. then there's also nanchos and tortillas! oohh. thats excluding all the cakes i ate. durian mousse cake and blueberry cheesecake! oohhh lalala. i think i gained like 5 kg straight. i feel so fat uh.

tmr banding again. this time with my acjc band. :)yay!!!! LOTR III. oh no!
chiao.

WOW.. i listened to the recording of the harry potter symphonic suite... it sounded so nice but the way we played it now.. oh gawd.. tsk.. damn out of tune la. not only that actually, theres alot more problems. like rythm. actually the piece is quite easy, but its a matter of playing it correctly, nicely and musically. yes, music is what i wanna hear, not a mass of sounds. and pirates.. haha, alot of people apprently dont like mr wong. haha.. yeah, i realised that the way he teach and conduct is sso different from dr lee. u have to experience it yourself then u know.

its the first time i met the eupho tutor. but he teach basic stuff la. and he smell of cigarettes. yuck. my ac junior pri junior is irritating during sectionals today. ergh. seriously, i cant control kids. they exude too much energy that we, the older people sometimes finds it frustrating. but they are ssso cute sometimes its just difficult to bring yourself to scold them. so in the end, we didnt scold but instead join them and laugh together with them.

and i listened to lord of the rings movement 3 recording, like oh my god! die. die. die. i cant pitch the freaking high notes! i used to be able to pitch, well, USED TO. hahaha. nvm, i will practise la. and, and, the worst thing is, i havent even practise LOTR I and V too!! oh nonononono. and i need to get myself back intune asap. die uh. this is the result of not playing for ssoo long. tsk.

and its mugging time again!! yay!! *rolls eyes*
migraine is hitting me again. uwahhhh!!!
chiao.

she scerams and she shouts. she gives me that i-am-angry-with-u face and she turns a deaf ear when i talk about something important. u know what, i dont give a shit about u! erghhhhh. freaks with the capital s.

chiao.

i'm like sssoo good at masking my emotions now. heh. and i dont hope for people to confort me. sometimes i feel so stupid. why am i ssoo nice to people, helping people called friends, doing this and doing that for them but all they say are empty promises and leaving me behind when i need them. woke up with super puffy eyes this morning. i just look forward to band practice and yes, band practice was funny yet frustrating. the little acs junior boys were ssoo cute but irritating. running around Lt4 and crawling under the chairs playing hide and seek. one way to tame them, not to shout, u will just go crazy controlling them like i did, tell them in a firm voice to raise their hands and face the wall. ahaha.. the first time mr wong did that to kenneth, one of the cutest of all, i gaffawed! ahaha... and mr wong conduct pirates. haha, everybody wasnt happy with him. no comment, i wasnt there 'cos had to go for dental appt. aahh, i'm scheduled for another surgery like 2 weeks from now. aiyoyoyo... frustrating b'cos the band sounded like crazily out of tune. the acs junior kids cant even play a note properly and they dont want to play. i lost my mood to play laa.. but i play with ah chong, my cousin hahaha. he's funny. i called him manly bitch. then he'll wrestle me. ouch mannn.. its been such a long time since i wrestle with kids haha. being with these innocent children sometimes just brings joy to u. instead of being with some stupid suckers, narrow minded, insensitive freaks.

i need freedom badly.

chiao.

another stupid survey that i did..
haha, what my dreams mean.

'Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious.You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep.Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind. '

funny la.. am i a disturbed person? ahahaha, oh yes, last week, i just dreamt of a blood sucking creature who lives under my bed. hahaa. and it sucks my blood!!! aaaahhh

chiao.

i am craving for ice cream and chocolates. yum,yum. band bbq was ok. some got drunk haha. havoc.. too bad i cant overnight and even had to leave early. well, half of me says i dont mind. but i want to go cycling badly. then damai band grad night was funny especially the mocca ad. haha. good luck to u guys going to hong kong yeah. :)

i've never eaten this much before, i think i've been binge eating. i should stop myself and make myself busy. then i will stop thinking too much. yes, get busy.

not in the best moods actually. i'm just feeling angry. erghhhhhhhhhh.
chiao.

dia senyum padaku..aku buat bodoh..hahaha. i am starting to hate you. yes, especially after yesterday night. oh my god how you suck.

chiao.

it is so dificult for me to go out. stupid. overly anxious. i know you care but sometimes you have to let us go. we need to experience life itself. protecting us will not help much. we maybe safe for now, but we will lost vital experiences for our future whole self development. i just want to get out of your grip. just let me go will u. its time. now.

it was the first time yesterday that i started playing again. haha, i was ssoo egg-cited. i couldnt contain it anymore, i went to school at 8.30 supposedly but somebody owe me a sundae again haha, for being late. but i am superbly out of tune. every note except my tuning note. ;( ssoo sad. and my stamina has gone down. aft playing a passage i will feel like as if i had been running. yeah..this bad.. gotta get back in shape. i side read paganini and armenian dances. haha, i didnt have time to do individuals or sectionals on it. maybe a lil bit la on paganini. then the rest i just.. erhhmm.. whack. haha. and my tonging! oh gawd. bad. very bad. aaahhh!!! but getting to hug my eupho was the best thing!!! my gums and my lips were red. i have like 4 ulcers. but now its fine. thanks for all the concern to stop me from playing my eupho. haha, i am stubborn.

and, and, we played tie the ankle game again! the band walked on the field this time, all of us tied at the ankles and we walked non-stop in record time 10 mins! thats is just one of the reasons why i love my ac band. :) sounds easy huh, try tying a whole bunch of people by the ankles and ask them to walk from one end of the field to the other. dr lee was happy with us. he was smiling and rising his arms clapping. :) hehe. when we reached the white finishing line, i was estatic. yay! hand in hand, ankle by ankle, heart by heart, we made it. i hope next year's competition will do just that.

today is mr foo's wedding. and yes, as usual, i cant go. but anyway, it'll be difficult for me b'cos there'll be no halal food. oh well, nvm, i hope he has a blissful marrige.

when the hell am i going to start on econs!!!!ok,ok, tmr morning.haha

chiao.

3 months' notice and we're homeless. yes, homeless. i'm trying not to let this problem get the better of me. i shall smile more. now that i can smile widely! :)

the best thing is, i dont know what to do.



thursday's band prac was something to be remembered about. dr lee thought us unity in the most innovative way. the whole band was tied up by the ankles and had to walk from one end of the field to the other. and we had to turn around. it was fun. but it shows our character. hahaha, i fell on my buttt. how can i not fall when i am standing in between crazy people like irna and stuart. hahaha. oh gawd. so funny. walking together as one band that day just shows how our unity as a band. family? we all know we are in this family but, actions people, actions speaks louder than words. ooh suddenly i remember the song more than words. hahaha.



what am i thinking. ok, tmr had to wake up early, early to go to sch!!! wwwweeee



chiao

i so badly wanna play my eupho. but the hole in my gums are still big and gapping open. i miss band so much. everytime i sit at Lt 4 and listen to them playing i feel like running away. i feel so out of touch with band and my band peeps.. ergh..

hah, my brain's fried from all the physical, chemical and biological weathering that it is subjected to last night. and i still havent touch any math yet. the M word. i hate that M word. then theres GP research case study that i have to do a write up on. gawd, how do i do it??? then theres geog group work. great... econs online learning, best. there goes my holidays.

but its ok. its ok. considering that we will be going to 3 places next year for overseas trip. yesssssssss!!!!! hong kong with lots of concerts lined up, then theres shopping and disneyland!!! oh my god disneyland! ahahaha i cant waitttt!!!!!! then we'll fly to switzerland. yesssss!!! another competition there. then its to vienna. oh my god, dr lee said we'll take a bus and then we can enjoy the countryside. oh oh oh... it'll be ssoo beautiful!!! aaaahhhh!!! performances again. then back to hong kong. we'll go to macau too. yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!ssoo many performances and competitons!!
I AM SSSOOO EGG-CITED!!! i must start saving money now. heh.

tonight will be watching arabian nights with mcs usual people. yayayayayay!!!!!!!!!
then on fri its cycling with mcs girlies!!! yayayay!!

omg,omg,omg!!! short,short,short!!!! no more bun, its gonna go in ponytails. :(

and, and kak siti just msg-ed me that there's a chocolate buffet at KL HIlton hotel. i want to go KL now!!!!!

okies, hw not going anywhere. tsk...
i shall start now.

chiao.:)

i am going to KL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oooooohhhh lalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!!
((((((((((((((:
i'm jumping with joy. straight after the christmas concert i'll be having holidays in KL. yay, thanks to cik sham!
lalalalala

chiao :)

ok haha, this is damn funny. One of the stupid surveys u do on the internet to find out abt yourself. ok, here's me-
Aggressive. (am i? no la, i'm quite gentle what...)
Loves being in long relationships. (huh? no comment..)
Likes to give a good fight for what they want.(uhuh...extremely true!)
Extremely outgoing.(me? haha.. i dont think so..)
Loves to help people in times of need.(do i?)
Good kisser.(hhmm..i've never kissed anybody in my whole life so i dont know..haha) Good personality.(oh yes.. certainly! hahaha..)
Stubborn. (no la..)
A caring person. (hhmmm..)
One of a kind. (maybe?)
Not one to mess with. (oh yes,yes...esp when i'm angry)
Are the most attractive people on earth! (ehehehe..dont say la.. i'm feeling so shy la..)

all the best for the auditions tomorrow people!!!!hahaha, maybe its ok that i didnt get to audition even though half of me wants to take that miraphone eupho out of its casing start playing again right at this moment.

ooh,ooh! brain says: heal faster, heal faster!!!
body says: no,no, must recover slowly...
brain says: i want to play eupho!! faster heal!!
body: just wont relent to brain's orders.

garh! its torturing. give me the adrenalin of playing fast passages, running notes and those super high high notes. give me satisfaction when the intonation becomes perfect. move me when it is the slow passages. i want all that back again. now, i feel so empty.




i dont want history to repeat itself. for that, i will built a wall so thick around me that your gaze will never be able to penetrate through. watch out, watch out.


chiao

brain: go study!
body: no reaction
brain: u lazy bum! go and study laarrrr!
body: i still want to surf the net......
brain: go study laaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
body: still no reaction

basically thats what happen to me everyday.
i need to slap myself.

yay! mcs store room is clean!! so clean i am so proud of my mcs members! just left the 4 timpanis to be thrown away. ergh. and it belongs to the band. aiyoyoyoyo. but now we have a place to pray. yay, no need to pray back at home until i get aches on my legs. but then aft that i feel so sticky and dirty. yuck.

oh well band was ok. i had to lunged the whole pack of styrofoam plates arnd LT4 to show stuart. and i still have to buy the coloured stickers. then aft searching high and low for the water gun, i found it but stuart had bought it first so yeah my efforts of walking at tampines central was fruitless.

i'm feeling quite down. i couldnt audition for honour band for jc band festival. brain says its ok, u have a reason, that i cant play due to my recovering gums. my heart says, haiz......

well, i keep thinking, when u really like something or someone, there'll always be somekind of obstacle for u huh. then sometimes making u think if u had made the right choice. how ironic life can be. i know i should not look back on my decision. first its syf auditions now its jc band fest auditions. ergh, move on with life man.

moving on, i shall go to sleep now.
chiao

i hate lazyness. it will make me think of unnecessary stuff like him. ergh. and also reminisicing abt the olden days. ergh, ok,so that means i need to make my brain busy again so that i wont think of such stupid stuff again. yes, study!!

busy preparing for tune in.. heheh..i hope it'll be fun!DSA people coming tmr and playing Lord of the Rings I and V! argh. when can i start playing again?? i miss so many practices. gawd...

chiao

I dont know why heart feels restless. Its like nervousness. I dont like this feeling like something bad is going to happen. Hesh. I hope all will be well.

To u my good friend. I hope u will stay strong. I dont know how to say but i really feel for u. I may not understand how it feels like to lose a parent. But i do understand the pain of losing somebody precious and then going thru hell of a time after that. Especially in a time of our life like this where we should be happy with friends and family and concentrating on our studies. I do understand how it feels like to live everyday thinking about tomorrow, how u and the rest of your family will continue living. I am experiencing that. But i guess i am luckier than u. I have people who give me support while u dont. U were left by yourself to fend for yourself emotionally, mentally and financially. I seriously dont know how to help u. I can only advice and lend u my shoulder and ears should u need it anytime. I feel like a failure as a friend not being able to help u. But please be strong. If u need me anytime, even if it is 3am, just call me. I will try my best to be there when u need me. But utmostly, give yourself to God. Ask for His help to give u the strength to continue living, for your family to continue to stick together, to continue have faith in Him and to protect u and your loved ones whatever happens. And dont u try to take revenge. PLEASE. Let go of what he had done to u. I know its difficult to let go when someone had hurt u so deeply for years. But when u learn to let go, your life will be more peaceful I can assure u that. Just dont do what he did to u and your family. If u do it, whats the difference between u and him? U are just as bad as him la. Have faith in Him. Kalau Allah nak beri ujian pada hambanya, Allah tahu yang hambanya akan tahan mengahadapinya. Kalau tak, kenapa dia uji sebegitu? Logik kan? Allah beri ujian pun ada sebab, nak membersihkan segala dosa orang yang diuji, menaikkan martabat orang tu atau pun Allah nak beri hambanya tu kekuatan. Macam ustazah tak jadi pulak aku nie. Haha. Anggap lah semua ni sebahagian daripada ujian hidup. Bersabar lah sahabatku. Kalau dia tak dapat pembalasan di dunia, dia akan dapat pembalasan di akhirat nanti. Tuhan tak buta, dia maha pengasih lagi maha penyayang. Kita dah belajar kan nie semua? Now its time to put it in practise. Jangan balas perbuatannya tu, biarlah Allah yang menjadi pengadil pada sandiwara hidup ini sesungguhnya dia lebih mengetahui lagi maha bijaksana.

haha, i sound sooo mak nenek. well, over with emo stuff. went to aishah r.'s concert. nice. not bad la. haha so funny watching her moving on stage. damn funny. ahaha. ok, good job aishah! kalau ada concert lagi tell me, i wanna go again! :)

tmr going to kam's hse with aishah j. to play guitar. wwweee.... then going for band. yayayyyyyyyyyyy.

chiao

doc says i can FINALLY eat solid food. wah i gorge down chicken rice and sundae! heavenly baby! ahahhaa sssooooooooo happppy. gawd. food rocks. i thought i could die just eating porridge everyday. and yes i survived. ahhh, i'm ssoo happpyyyy today.

another reason for me to be happy. hehehe.
yol: hey, hello shaheera. Long time no see!
me: hahaha, hello! *smiles*
yol: eh, u saw bharathi just know?
me: yeah, just know. she was in the queue too.
yol: eh, u look slimer!
me: *smilessssssssssssssss
yol: eh u stress ah?
me: yeah, jc what. I actually thought i could die.

so thats how it went. somebody actully said i look slimer. wwwweeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! dont pop the bubble, let me think that i really am slimer now. heheh, and to think of it, i didnt die. i survived J1! thats marvellous baby!

another thought came to my mind today. do co-incidences really exist? didnt everything that happen for a reason? so if everything really happen for a reason, the people that u meet and get to know is of some significance right? oh, this is bugging me.

(warning: the next portion of the entry is in Malay. heheh (: )

and, and, i'm thinking of studying overseas. cita-cita tinggi menggunung. entah apa la mimpi aku nie. tapi kira macam da nekad jugak nak ambik scholarship then sambung kat UK. la, aku nie da putus fius ka apa?nak pergi belajar jauh-jauh. entah boleh dapat ke tak. tapi kan, dulu memang beriye-iye sangat nak belajar kat AC. yang paling best nye, impian ku itu tercapai. Fuh, macam fairytale jugak eh, hikayat cerita hidup ku nie. da, jangan nak perasan la. Nie da pekena novel melayu la nie. Kan da blog pun dalam bahasa MELAYU. Tapi ape salahnya kan? dalam usaha ku untuk menaik kan darjat bahasa Melayu ku. heheh.

But first, i must get my As. yes,yes.

ah, i want to read my malay novel. lalalala

chiao

ahhhh, i'm sick of taking so many medicine. i'm sick of eating porrige everyday. i'm sick of having to watch people eat delicious healthy food while i am deprived of such pleasures. gah. and this gums is paining me! it swollen again and i can taste blood. uwahhhhhhh..... whats happening to my gums!!!!!!!!!!

i actually got scolded on sunday because i ate yong tau fu which only has tofu and more tofu. thats considered soft foods right? but yeah, cik sham actually insisted that i stick to porridge. gah. i'm dying of healthy wholesome meal here. so i didnt eat the whole day except that few pieces of tofu. then i got wind in my stomach and i vomitted. haiz. thats the result of not eating. and my gastric is here again.

the only nice thing that happened on sun at kak siti's hse was that we prayed together. fuh yo, can u imagine the whole hse was transformed into a mass prayer hall. the whole Pak Aziz family la pray together. thats like 4 families praying together. that means, all my aunts, uncles, cousins and my grandma. fuh yo... untill prayer mats and telekung was not enough. hahaha. oh, its a blessing. i just wish we could do it more often. barulah keluarga bahagia dunia, akhirat.
and i ate chocolate truffles! damn, damn niceeee!!! hush, even though i'm not supposed to. haha, i only took one la. to taste it only...umm hush,hush.

and amazingly, crazily, i studied today. oh my god.

i'm going for band practice tmr because i miss my band peeeps!!!!! :)
practice hard tmr and dont let dr lee be angry again ok acbandies.

chiao :))))))))))))))))

tong hua

sad uh...... i was tearing when i heard this song...... uwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! and i found the korean version of this song.. niceeeee.

i missed all the fun at dr lee's house yesterday. so sad. i cant possibly go out with my swollen mouth and still-bleeding-gums right. the surgery was scary la. and i am feeling terribly bored. :( i thought of inviting friends over to my house but i look ugly now. with all the blood coming out of my mouth. ok, i shant say anymore. its gruesome. i think about 6 stitches altogether, front and back of the gums. yiycks!

haha, yes,yes, i finished watching goong s. at last. and se7en is sssooooo cute. sexxy lipssss. haha.

next on my list: i better start studying!

but i'm bored la.......................
chiao

i passed promos and i am promoted! yessssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant be anymore happier. :) heh even my grades are atrocious. oh well, the important thing is to get to j2. then during the 2 months of holiday, i will study. really hard. hehe.

cant wait to start studying again. oh no, am i crazy? i actually cant wait to start studying! haha. aft PW and MT are over, i am soooo gonna concentrate on studies and practise hard for the upcoming concerts. yayyyyyyyyyyy!!!

sat's band prac with the little boys from acs schools was.... haiz. depressing. the barker boys in my section didnt come. and combine was a lil bit boring. with loads of rests for eupho parts. but i've heard the recording for Harry Potter Symphonic Suite and it was nice. i guess we need more practise.

i realised on sat how much i missed the J2s. I MISS THE J2S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i miss the old band sound that we used to have. Sat's band combine doesnt sound like us at all. oh well, i hope to see them again aft their A's.

oh,oh, next year during this time we'll be having our A's too!!! oh no. oh no. hahaha.

i wanna play step mania now. i think i am addicted to it. tsk.

chiao.

oh my god i cant imagine how much suckier i can get. i screwed up my group OP. yay, best huh. and i think i am the worst speaker in the whole level. i stutter, my grammar suck, i speak so soft that even my ST said she didnt pay attention to what i'm saying that means i am so boring. my mind just went blank and no words come out from my mouth. like what can i do? i wasnt this bad when i did presentation in sec sch. In fact Mrs ling was so impressed with me she asked me to be the mc for national day with jack from 4e1. suck. i feel so terrible. and the ppt slides that i did was...... god, atrocious. windows vista seriously suck la. i edit and saved it nicely. then when i opened it again to take another look, it became all screwed up. i dont know what else to do la. and when i changed the sequence of the slides i got scolded by my grp leader. yay eh. best. i change it because some people present like 4 slides only while others present like 10 slides. i dont want to give some people more and others less what. i didnt do all that for fun ok. aiyah i no need to explain myself la.

and i think my group doesnt work together. everybody is so individualistic. and some are quite irresponsible they didnt do much and get credit. best. no co-operation at all. and when something screw up, one blames the other.

oh god am i that bad? i know ms leow dont want to say anything bad maybe she's scared i become embarrased or something like that. i just hate it la when people are ssoo nice. are they real and sincere? sometimes i know that some people are not that nice but people just dont know that. and that makes me angry because they cant see that person's true self. i hate hyporcrites. but sometimes i feel like i should become like them. u know, bermuka-muka. yeah something like that. maybe that way i'll be happier and i will be able to get what i want. but thats not me. when i'm not smiling to u that means i'm in a bad mood or just feel terrible not because i'm arrogant or something like that. I am not a hypocrite who gives a fake smile to makes others feel happier. i think people just dont know me well enough. i am not like what people think.

now, what should i do to my ppt slides? i wish like burning my laptop.

then my surgery is finally finalised next week on wed. yeah i am lil bit scared but that will be the first of many more that will come in the future. and it will cost like $3100 to $4000. how am i going to get the money? i dont know. not only that theres also so many possibilities that the surgery will go wrong. and i am not sure if i can make it to march muse due to the series of surgeries and recovering process that i have to undergo.

tomorrow the form teachers will tell us if we get promoted or not. even though i passed my exams. but my marks are.................haiz. u know what i mean. i just scraped through. i dont know if i can make it combine with my term results.

and i suck at malay. oh gosh, it usd to be my best subject now, what had happened? i dot have time to revise also, since i've been doing OP almost everynight. if i dont get A i'm gonna retake.

seriously, everybody is equal but others are more equal than some.
yes, i think.

oh well, lets look on the brighter side, theres combine band prac with the rest of the acs schools on sat!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :))))))))))))))))))))) i cant wait wait wait.

chiao.

oh no, tmr is revelation day. promos results out.

chill man, i need to chill.

its the third day of syawal. i just hope the begining of such a holy month will bring much blessings to all of us. ramadhan come and go just like that. i cant say i made much use of it. and i cant say its been an easy ramadhan compared to other ramadhan. preparing for promos amidst facing other issues is not easy either.

last mon break fast with farah and hafiyan. i am glad u two are happy like that. dont fight so often yeah miss farah ashlina bte aminnurahim. heh, i remember your full name! :) and i went to geylang!!!!!!wwweee!!! yesyesyesyesyesyes!!!!!!!!!

then, spent the rest of the remaining ramadhan cleaning the house and making cookies. i made chocolate chip cookies, almond cheese cookies and cupcakes!!! but the almond cookies are not so nice.:(

raya just come and go like any other years. it was tiring facing it all over again. i was hoping for a good change but, fat hope la. no one can change overnight do they?

i dont understand alot of things going on really. cant help it though when nobody wants to tell me the real situation and in addition my blurness just makes it worst. sometimes i think teenagers are much more muture then adults. how stupid can adults be.

hari raya is a time where u spend time with your family members and seek forgiveness from each other, no matter if u are young or old. like the cliche goes, forgive and forget. how many thousands or millions of muslims do u hear during hari raya saying maaf zahir batin. i find all that bull shit. u should not say it for the sake of saying it. but because u really realise your mistakes and want to be forgiven. if u are not sincere about it, then why do u still say it?
and even if the person who did wrong to u is younger and didnt seek forgiveness to u, shouldnt u just forgive that person? on account that he is a family member of yours or that u have known that person. for forgiving others is a noble act. i know its difficult to just forgive someone who has inflicted pain on u for years but cant u do it for future sake? for your children's sake? so that the family ties that we have will stay strong untill generations to come? and they even fought on such a beautiful night when everyone is supposed to be happy. how to stupid can the be. how inmature can they be.

that night u made me very sad. very sad.
that night u made me see a bad side of your character.
i just hope i wont be like u in the future.


over with hari raya blues, getting back promos results soon. lets pray yeah.
for the light to shine brighter, the darkness have to be darker. how true. most will make it but some will not. i hope i do not fall in the 'some' category. will my life in ac end here?

i hope not.
chiao.

i dont have the mood to spring clean my house in oreparation for raya. boring la. the dust and all... i just want to read my book watch tv and surf the net. this made mum really, really mad at me. haha. because i am one anak dara yang pemalas nak buat kerja rumah. oh well who cares.

i'm feeling bored and i cant sleep. guess what i'm thinking abt now. yeah, promos results. ergh.

i wanna bake cupcakes, cookies, brownies and maybe a cake if time permits. oh raya is this friday ah.. i didnt realise that. but when do i have to go to sch again? i dont know. oh well, i dont care la. i wanna enjoy myself first.

yes, before i forget, selamat hari raya to all my muslims mates. :) may god bless us all.

chiao.

ah.. sad.sad.. i couldnt go for iftar. i dont care uh.. will go geylang jugak with farah this mon.. tengok je ah..
bukak sikit ah minda tu. so narrow minded. tak paham betol. zaman skarang pon masih ada org yg berfikiran kuno macam tu. dah la kuno, negative minded. cis. abeh nak semue org ikut rentak die. alamak, org pon ada hidup sendiri kan. abeh nak control-control org. cis. geram nye. macam aku nie 7 tahun. aku da 17 tahun!!!!!!! garh! u know what, because of u, i feel like my life is ssoo empty and kelam. macam tak ada fun langsung. jgn blame aku kalau aku tak tau nak bergaul dgn org. jangan salah kan aku lagi di masa hadapan.

hehe.. cant wait to meet with faraaaaaahhhhh.... wwwwwwwweeee!!!!!!!!

i went online shopping today. thanks eh sis, u make me broke now la. alamak..but i loveee the dress... woooooo....

i dont uderstand why at 17 years old, she still control me as if i'm a freaking 7 year old kid. damn it uh. luckily its ramadhan, up sikit aku nye kesabaran nie.

i think i'll really be retained. argh. i cant sleep at night. i keep having stupid nightmares. tsk, i can only pray hard.

i got into an accident before promos and became toothless. thanks 1aa3, for praying for me. i'm really touched. i guess i've never really said it or showed it, i'm not that kind of person, i just cant say or show. but i am really thankful for all the prayers. thanks guys. :) i look damn ugly but my surgery is being scheduled now. argh and bro was hospitalised, infected by denggi. that moment, when everything seem like... i have promos soon, my gums are aching and bro is in hospital. i almost broke down. but life goes on. i'm just glad i'm alive and well today.

dad asked me why i got into the accident. he asked me to think. he said maybe i've done something wrong. like really wrong. but i told him, my conscience is clear, i've done nothing wrong. and nobody believed me.

i dont know when i'll recover and can play my eupho again. i want dont want to miss any concerts or any performances. especially the swiss trip. missing syf is enough torture for me.

this hari raya seem so bland and empty. there's nothing that i can look forward to. i'm not going to blurt out everything here.
the future seems so uncertain.

chiao.

i'm liberated finally from promos. but my brain is dead. freaking tired. i blog again tmr and start updating again.

i'm dead for promos. i can just pray hard that i wont get retained. i've tried hard. i'll just leave everything to God.

chiao.

argh. promos.. i am feeling freaking scared. damn scared.

intensive revision is on the way. this is tiring. challenging.

soon it'll be over then its MT A levels. then PW oral presentation. and its intensive band practices again. band christmas concert( i'm in band 1!:) who's in band1?). band fest concert. and muse 2008 concert. and by then i will be in j2. yeah, i will be in j2. then its the overseas competition. and yeah, we'll bring back gold. like the previous batch got in Australia.

soon its prelims and then A level. wow. how time flies.

no more reminiscing, its back to books.

blogging on hold for now. untill promos over.

chiao

its my fault. i can blame nobody. except me.

let me pull my hair out!
argh

chiao.

i hate pimples. yah, i hate break outs. i look ugly!!!!!! ok, i shall stop being bimbotic here. i must try to relax... smile... :)

yay. mon's band dinner on a boat was a blast. blast. blast! ernst is nicknamed by dr lee as ernie. like the sesame street character. haha. gerdine as dutch lady haha. and irna as.. mrs hafiz. well, irna went out of mind as she sat on the curb and start singing to i dont know who. she just started singing. and then jumping in the middle of the road. i cant stop myself from singing the mysterious ticking noise. ahahahaha. oh gosh... i almost went bonkers from all the laughing. but i keep myself sane.. yay. eating on the boat made me seasick terribly but its fun!!! esp the deck!! the scenery is beautiful, the night sky against singapore's horizon. and the sea breeze too. makes me feel so relaxed. lalala.

i've been trying to study. really hard but i dont think made much progress. HAIZ.

tmr i have to get up early to set up the mcs booth, acedamic display. then theres consultation then individuals for me and then band prac. i dont even know if i have time to have lunch tmr. nvm, smile!!!! :)))))))) wwweeeee...........

i wanna eateateateat now.

foooodddddddddd
chiaocinchiao

i will not fall asleep.
i will not fall asleep.
i will not fall asleep.

i will study.
study
study.

ok, i feel so tired. very tired. after going really high on thurs, i went crazy again on fri when i came back to damai. oh my god i just love my juniors. :) oi syad! whatever..*rolls eyes. ahaha. i know u are reading this. can u please like say something in the tagboard when u visit this webpage. hahaha. the meeting was really impromtu. i was doing my homework when aisyah called me and asked me why i'm not there. so i chiong to damai. hehe. and managed to meet with some ex-seniors and some classmates like bai.
me, creeping from behind: baizura!!!!!
bai: aaarrrggghhhh!!!! shaheera!!!!!!!!
me: aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!
me and bai: aaarrrggghhh!!!
so yeah we screamed when we saw each other. muahahaha. missed her sso much. talked for awhile then went for lunch with some of my juniors at Ljs. nice. so long since i talked like that. oh gosh i was like really.. hmm.. high.. dont know what got into me.

then went home and did some more of my homework which i dont think i made any progress. :(
then i still need to study. which i only managed to study malay lit and math.

my sat was filled with band prac from morn till evening. dr lee wasnt happy with us. and i think my solo is really bad :( oh gosh. i was sweating. and my palm was sweating as i played that jack sparrow part. and the worst thing is, i am out-of-tune! esp my G and A. hesh. i must do long tones. alot, alot.

mon theres a forum i had to attend at tpjc from 8-12 then theres band and band dinner till like night. oh no. then tues theres mcs outing. should i go or stay home and study? i dont know. fri band again. sat open house. oh yes! people, you are invited to ANGLO-CHINESE JUNIOR COLLEGE ok, for a super fun-filled day. there'll be performances by various perfoming groups (ehem, band will be performing grease and pirates of the caribbean: dead man's chest so do come down :) ), subject consultations with our very dedicated teachers and also cca exhibitions.

ok, as u can see my schedule is packed!!! i have to open my eyes big-big now to continue doing my homework. dont give up, study!!! wheather its for your A's, promos, O's or N's.. study.

yay, studying is good.
yay, i love studying.
yay, i will not fall asleep.

yay, i shall go now.
chiao.

oh my.. how i miss damai windz. gosh.. and aisyah sazali too! i wonder how she's doing. and my juniors. oh.. and i wonder how's the alumni band.

the school holidays are here. great this means that it is 1 week nearer to promos. and i'll have lesser time to study. together with band practices and the coming open house to prepare.. ok, i shouldnt complain.

thurs was a blast. the teacher's day performance was not too bad for me. i guess alot of people were quite impressed with what we put up for them. oh well, playing music just give me happiness. then its mcs farewell party!! wwweee! ok, went to eat at food culture at lot1. Yong tau foos unite!! hahaha. i wasted 3hrs of my life sitting there waiting for the food at shariff's house to be ready. sat there with syahida, irna and shariff either talking or reading our books. which is ssoo freaking boring. so we ended up walking to shariff's house. and his siblings is sssoo oh my goodness cute!!!!!! i love them. but naughty. cab to sch to prepare for the rest of the party. while the rest entertained the j2s, me and some others had to prepare the food. and camwhored for awhile. haha.. changed and we eat in a big dulang. so nice! so long since i did that. the food was like ssoo syiok. nice. but i couldnt finish so we gave the rest of the food to the guys to finish it up. then it was musical chairs. hahaaha. the j2s are sssoo funny. and then the happy segment and awards ceremony was sssoo funny too. i coludnt stop laughing loudly. and my stomah hurts from laughing too hard. then it was the sad segment. yeah, of course sad. luckily i didnt cry. i didnt want to cry. yeah, all the memories together..i will remember forever. all the days and nights we spent together in LT3 practising for merdeka. and peleggong trip was GREAT! the kampong life that i will never have here. royals cake to top the whole event off. to celebrate adlin, shariff's and teachers day. and i had to rush home.

so now. back to work. homework and start studying. oh my god tomorrow there's band practise. 10am to 6 pm then theres tuition at 7.30pm. hhmm.. i feel like going for a run tmr morning before band. ok, i better do my homework. like NOW!

chiao.

it pierces the heart. at that moment it feels like as if a knife is being slashed my wrists. but i cant show it. i just stare ahead as she continue to cry. at this crucial moment when i have to concentrate on my studies, such things are happening.

i can only pray to God. help me through this. keep my family together. give us strength. God, please.

i tell myself not to cry.

no, i wont. i shall be strong.

as time flies, i try hard to forget somethings and some people too. but sometimes i cant.

4 weeks to promos. i am so dead.
rrrraaaaaaagggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my sat is filled with band practices again. rehersal was.. hhmmm report at 7.45am and play only 1 song. damn. so i decided to do individuals on pirates. cool song. i love it man. then lunch at bk with irna, pat, elizabeth and nicole. oh and we talked.. and talked and talked. but i couldnt take it anymore. just sitting there and chatting. so had to signal to them to like... can we go now..? ahhahaha. oh well. then went to buki batok lib with irna to study phy geog. which i still ssuck. ergh. weathering.. aiyo.

and h1 malay is taking alot of my time. damn.

promos is making me crazy. i have to pass this exam. seriously have, have, have to. i dont want to be an old J1. :((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

3.26pm, pw lesson,mac lab, acjc.

now i really feel like taking a knife and start stabbing at something. yeah, i really want to.

i am planning for the future, maybe start thinking of a suitable course for myself in SP. hhmm.. maybe design course would be nice... i have always want to design stuff. eh, then i'll be in the same school as khai again!!! yay!!

better dont let me see anything sharp.

chiao.

i kinda of like..'i dont want to touch any econs notes any more, forever'

i feel like taking a knife and start stabbing at something over and over again.

its just ssoo tiring to keep picking yourself up again and again after failures and more failures and more failures. but i guess thats life. even if we fail in the final one. well, we havent failed in life yet for when u fail in life is when u give up in life, right. so just pick yourself up and carry on with your life and learn frm your mistakes. no doubt, saying this is easier then doing it. no doubt life sometimes just suck big time.

so i shant give up. no matter how tiring it is. or sucky i am in econs.

damn i still think econs just suck la.

promos is in 5 weeks. i think i am going crazy over this. i keep reminding myself to study, if not i'll get the long service award which i dont think i need one though.

ok, back to econs- price disrimination. i'm glad theres such stuff, then students like me can get concession bas passes and we can ride all we want!! haha with the same price. The rationale behind it.. well, due to the diff elasticies of demand between the diff groups of consumers, prices have to be differntly charged. students like us wouldnt have enough money to pay for our transportation. So, the price have to be discriminated. Adults were charged diff from students because they can pay for their own therefore theres not a need for them to have subsidised fares like students. tah-dah.. i know i know my facts well. aiyah but i still cant score at all for econs. oh well.

due to the time, which is 2222hours..(eh nice 4d numbers!) and the fact that i have only completed my cerpen which is 2243 words only. i better get back to work. hhmm.. theres still like econs drq, econs essay, malay news articles, gp a.q. question. looks like i cant sleep at all tonight. nice.

chiao.

fuh yo.. i feel ssoo happy now. :) i bought 2 new pump shoes and a new bag!!! yay! now i'm broke. haha.

farah, if u are reading this, dont let hafiyan ruin your day. stay happy!! haha. talk to him la. seriously, i think its not worth it to susah kan diri just because of a guy. they dont deserve our kind attention. ok, keep smiling!!! :)
oh well, if u need to talk to someone, just beep me. remember, friends are like bras, they are close to your heart and gives u support! wakakakaaka.. i shall buy u the shirt!! ahahaha.

ah, i can wait for 30th, yay!!!!!!

ok great, back to work, gp package test!!! ahahaha. bleh.

chiao.

just tell me that nightmares dont come true.
sleepless nights. i know i need to sleep. but i cant and i dont want to. too much stuff to do and i'm scared these nightmares will haunt me again.

yeah, i am ssoo paranoid. its doing me no good. i dont know.

argh.

i feel sooo lazy to go to school tmr...............................................................

i wanna pon school. ergh. i wanna wake up late. laze arnd the house while eating breakfast and watch tv.
ergh.. seriously i really dont like pw. gah.

so far, a good week. with a few surprises. hehe. fri was swim pe; water polo. IN THE BIG POOL. ok, its a big deal to me since i dont know how to swim and had never swam in my whole entire life. yeah. thanks to dheraj, for being my guardian. if not, i would have drown. haha. thank you dheraj, if you are reading this. :))) and it was fun, wading aimlessly in the big pool. hahaha. and sat's reharsal at qeenstown stadium didnt went well. dr lee was quite pissed off with us. and i had to wake at 4am just to get there at 6 am. :( but thanks to edwin who bought for me coffee. :) and i got a pleasant surprise there too. well, should i consider it pleasant when it all comes back to what it used to be? (sometimes i just wish you will disappear from my sight forever.)

but i dread the actual event because i have to be in school by 5.30am. crazy. this means that i have to take a cab and fetch gerdine and jefri by 4.45am. great.

had a fruitful weekend. i've finished geog phy hw. :) i've finished malay hw. :) i've finished revising phy geog and i'm on par with lectures now. hehe. i feel so accomplished. thanks to the study session on sat with seha, irna and faris. fruitful meeting, we should study together more often.

but,but i still have gp articles and pw. argh..............................

chiao,gotta do my written report which i have no idea how to.

oh my goodness. schedule for band is, is... like.. so busy. i will have to make time to study. homework is just SSOOO LITTLE. then there's revision to do. and i have not made much progress. ergh, frustrating.

next year, we're schedule for overseas trip. heh, hong kong to vienna to switzerland back to hong kong and finally singapore. cool eh, being acjc concert band member. i like...:)))))))))

argh, i feel so tired. well, whos not. PW is really getting to my nerves. ah.. nothing seems right.

oh no, my migraine is back. oh no, my running nose is back. oh no, my gastric is here. oh no, i hope i wont fall sick. thank god my leg is ok again. :) haha.

ohk, need to do my work now.

guess what! promos in 2 MONTHS!!!!!! arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chiao.

ah.. loads of homework, revision, PW, band. so much to do. so little time. so cliche.

but anyway, ah, potter book. i just cant stop reading it everywhere i go.

been slacking the whole day. SHAHEERA, U REALLY OUGHT TO BE STUDYING NOW!!

ok,ok.. i will get back to my notes.
yay, geog rocks, save the earth. ah.
so much for my motivation for geog.

chiao

i shall not give up.

fight fight fight

wheather its the fatigue, or whatever

i shall fight on

this is only the begining.

:))))))))

aye, harry potter and the deathly hollows,

I GOT U!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, YES, YES!!

i'm feeling sssooo happy now.

hehehe.

time to mug (and not read that potter book!)

now.

yakinkah ku berdiri

di hampa tanpa tepi

bolehkah aku mendengarmu

terkubur dalam emosi

tanpa bisa bersembunyi

aku dan nafas ku merindukan mu

terpuruk ku disini

teranianya sepi

dan ku tahu pasti

kau menemani

dalam hidup ku, kesendirian ku

teringat ku teringat

pada janjimu ku terikat

hanya sekejap ku berdiri

ku lakukan sepenuh hati

peduli ku peduli,

siang dan malam berganti

sedih ku ini tiadalah erti

jika kau lah sandaran hati. :)

tengok muke pon da cukup. u just make me smile non-stop. kihkihkih...

its been quite sometime since i blogged. too tired, too busy or just lazy. yeah. the weeks after terms is horrible as the harsh reality hits me. my grades suck big time. oh, do i have to annouce it. damn. its just disappointing, upsetting, draining and a hell of a time when you had put in soo much effort time energy and u still fail. and that, badly too.

just feel like locking myself up in a dark room where no one can see. then i can cry my hearts out and scream my lungs out. but i dont seem to be able to let out the emotions in me. i can only write it here and of course i cant simply say everthing here. the emotions is so great that i just cant let it out of me. i dont know. i feel so numbed. disappointed,drained mentally physically and emotionally. esp when people start comparing their grades or they start talking about sudies. which is like always. it makes me cringe into a corner. the prospect of me having to break the horrible news to mum just gives me sleepless night thinking about it.

i dont know. i feel so confused. i dont know what to do. how to react or what am i feeling. ah i shouldnt think so much. i know i should get up again and fight on. this is just only terms not yet A's. but i admit, i'm not a strong person mentally. i feel like giving up, stop all and just stop everything. but of course, its the stupidest thing that any human being in their normal state would do. i dont know where to get the energy to move on. i dont know who to hang on when i need a listening ear. i dont know whose shoulder i can lean on to cry. mum? she'll just scold me back and we'll start fighting again. friends? i dont know. i seem to have loads of them. in sch, band, mcs, damai, outside friends. but, i dont know. they are just friends.. just there. ggrr i hope nobody reads this post.

i shall just hang on. study, study and study. this race has only just begun. well done girl. hang on there. i'll be ok i guess.

ah, i cant wait for 24th of july. hehehehehehehehehehehe............. but i dontwant because it would mean promos is like another week closer. oh my gosh. i dont want promos. wait, wait, i want promos. if i dont take promos, how am i to get to j2? retain? a big nono here. hey what am i rambling abt. my head is in a whirl.

ah cant be helped. i'm sssooo freaking tired. duh, whos not. but today... tskk... i lost my wallet then found it. haha. then shariff lost his phone and luckily i found it.then had mt a levels listening. damn, the ministry purposely made the ans damn close and difficult to choose. i hope i did ok though. couldnt go for dikir last prac. oh no i am performing tmr! ohno ohno ohno. but band was fun. hehe. just cant wait for 24th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yes. i was in the toilet, looking at myself. duh, i was doing my hair and, and, and at that precise moment, he walks past. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! i was speechless. damn embarassing la. he saw me looking at myself in the mirror grooming myself. i dont why, i feel damn malu!!!!!!! he was actually smiling. i hate that. nono.. i like... ahahahaha.

like whatever... -_- ahahaha..

chiao

its 3 am. the rings around my eyes are showing. EoM have yet to be done, Written report due this fri. Geog essay. Gp package test. and loads more hw. argh.

i need a truckload of chocolates now to unpress this depressed mood. actually not because i'm tired or the workload. it my malay grades. gosh i suck at malay now. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hopes so high for malay lit. but guess what! i'm bottom of the class. yay! great! fantastic! wwwwwwwwweeeeeee!!!!
gggggggggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

they are there but it seems like they are miles away from me.
i miss them but they dont seem to feel like that.
i miss her so badly. i wish i could just hug and tell her that i love her so much.
that i will do anything for her.
but i guess she will never understand whats going on in my life.
she just want me to go her own way.
but she never really thinks what i want or like to do.
i love him too. but he s like never there. i seldom see or even talk to him.
i dont know what he s thinking.
i dont know if they really love me or not.

life suck at the moment.

i dont fucking understand why she hates me being immersed in my own feaking culture. fuck la, i'll choose the way i want to live my life. is it so wrong to learn more about your own culture? ergh.

feeling extreme emotions this week. at one point sooo sad and then aft that felt ssoo happy. i feel like banging my head on the wall.

i dont understand. i am just being me. why some poeple just cant accept me? ergh actually i dont care wheather u are happy or not with my presence. i will just live on with my life. but when u started bitching about me. i started to think, what wrong had i done to you that u really have to do this to me, BITCH? now that really concerns me. u made me so pissed off that i hate u alot now. having such a nice face and a hot bod is not gonna help in this world. u gotta have a heart. i was thinking, am i such an evil person that u have to do all that to me? oh freak, i am just a frigging human being. i have flaws. being just alil bit weird in class (damn.. i know i am a lil bit weird) doesnt mean anyone has the right to treat me differently u BITCH. being a human, i ponder alot.. why, what have i done to u that made u do all this? seriously.. i keep thinking that i am an evil person.. such a mean person. am i? well, i dont think so. even though sometimes i dont show that i miss somebody doesnt mean i dont. even though i feel sad and lonely deep inside i wont show it. even though i feel like crying, i'll keep it inside. eventhough i am supposed to be smiling, sometimes i dont because i dont feel theres a need to. eventhough i am supposed to be talking, sometimes i dont becuase there is nothing necessary to talk about. in conclusion, i am not what people think i am. only those really close to me will know the real me. like i will go really mad if i get really angry. like throwing chairs at people. oh well bitch, even though i hate u so much i will try not to and accept u being my friend. but oh well, i dont even want to talk to u because all u talk about is about bitching, gossiping, latest trends, latest sale in singapore and all those bimbotic talk. i hate that. cant u like talk about something more practical? eventhough i hate u bitch, i dont know why i still care about u and ur bitchy friends. i still give u tissue and ask whats wrong when u look down and sad. why did i do that? freak la, i feel like some used tool.

terms doesnt help at all. now i really feel like ramming into the wall.

but i guess.. setbacks is apart of growing up. eventhough i did study hard and i know i did, i have to work even much much more harder to get what i dream. i have to get up from this fall. everybody says, 'chill.. its just terms.. its ok..' its ok? freak, its ok? damn its not ok to me! i SERIOUSLY DONT WANT TO GET RETAINED!!! get that! oh my god. i seriously dont know what to do. i know i should get help. but i cant depend on people, they have to study too right. howhowhow. i dont know what to do with my disappointing grades.

ergh. i'll emo some other day.

aaahhhhwwwww.... i llloooovvvee anuar zain

i am shaheera zain. ahahhaahaha

i wish.. i wish.. if only i were to be much more smarter. if only my brain is not so slow to catch whats being thought. ergh. then i will not have sleepless nights thinking about terms and the upcoming promos.

thats it, i'm going on an intensive fat reducing programme! i am uber, utterly, disgustingly, ergh.. what is that word? FAT. great i just told the whole world i am ... how much smarter can i be. i'll run like 3 times a week and go gym-ing 2 times a week. or if i'm bored with running then i'll resort to swimming. hmm yeah, and i'll be seriously very tired the next day. haiz.

gosh, i dont want to go to sch next week!! because i'll be getting my terms results. :(((((((((( i dont want to see!!!!!! can i just run away? fly off and then come back when all this is over? but i'll face all this la, however shitty all this will be. i will have to adjust my timetable to include the SSP. ergh.

so much hw to do, pw and revision. and this doesnt count band practices. but i am ssooo egg-cited for band to start!!! wweee!!!

i wanna run.. fly.. fly away.. far far far away...

argh. todays trip to the hospital awaken my senses. how people suffer. if u think u are suffering. there are more people out there who is much more worst off then u. watching cik sumy cry in pain made my heart bleed too.. watching cik sham losing weight aft her surgey makes me marvell at the way destiny and fate works for us. i guess these are only words to people reading this unless u experience it yourself the sufferings.. i really pity cik sumy.. cancer...tsk.. surgeries, chemo, her kids are so young.. i just wish she will get better. i realise today that whatever problems that i got is not as bad as what other people have. i am glad i have a loving but ssuuppper conservative, controlling, narrow-minded mother, a father who works from morn till the next morn, a sis who is.. ahaha, i shall not describe her, a bro who is the funniest, weirdest,nonsensical and the most irritating bro one could ever had (khai must be nodding her head vigorously!ahaha), a house with evrything i need; my lappie, handphone, mp3, my deary bed, my sch; acjc and damai, my band, mcs, my uncountable caring friends. huh, how much more can i ask for. thank u so much. my life is sso full, i guess sometimes i forgot the sufferings happening around me.
i think its ok after all not going for the mcs reunion lunch just now, considering i've gained so much of life lessons today.

these happenings just burns my desire and will to work hard and work in UNESCO.:) and not forgetting taking over UN!! ahaha. big dreams.

this is like the third time i'm listeing to fantasy for eupho. i was dreaming of myself playing in a concert with me as the soloist. woah, damn nice, with my tone like the one in this recording. i bet people will turn their heads when they hear me play. ahahaha. i'm dreaming again. big dreams.

speaking of dreams.. i had this stupid weird dream. i actually went to prom night with.. erm.. erm.. ok.. whatever.

oh yes!! i saw a real electric guitar in the bas today!! gah! i was staring at it the whole time that the guy thought i was looking at him. ergh. but the guitar was of course in the case so i am only staring at the case of the guitar. which is quite pathetic.
i am ssoo weird, fancy going crazy over guitars. oh well.

argh. freedom. i seriously need that. if i cant get it. i'll freaking claim it forcefully from u. yeah. dont treat me like a child because i am not one anymore. hear that. errrggggghhhhhh.................................

chiao la.

i am officially going ga-ga over him................
aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

zzzzooooo my goooddd... i am sssooo deprived of band practice!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when is band practice gonna start???? whenwhenwhen!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. toots. thanks to irna, now i am crazy over lifehouse. thanks to seha, i cant get over the harry potter tune in my head. i still remember when i first played the harry potter song in band. it sounds like a lullaby. damn nice. thanks to enjia now i can download my own choice of songs online for FREE!! hear that!! for free!!! wwweee!!!!!!!!! i miss damaiwindz like ssssoooo much............. i remembered us playing all those songs and then laughing when we made a stupid mistake. overture jubiloso, concerto d'amor, ammerland, seventh night of july, eagle bend, silver gazebo, ross roy, rock and roll hall of fame, sponge bob squarepants haha.. cute stupid songs. band songs. thats what i want to play right now. and i want to play music!!!! aaaahhhh!!!!!!! i was looking back to all our photos. haha, balloon hat festival was the bestest performance i had ever had with damaiwindz. tsk. i wanna see my juniors. but ultimately, i want to be able to play songs like fantasy for euphonium and carnival of venice. hehe. big dreams. insyallah, i can. :) have to work extra x5 hard.

ok.. terms are finally over. such a relief. thanks gerdine, for lending your shoulder before geog paper. if not, i will just sit in the toilet for the whole exam. hehe. no hope. i will just prepare myself mentally for disappoinments again. SSP is for sure. gah. promos, i will dddoooo muuuuccchhhh beeettttteeerrrr!!!!!!! ok.. mugging will start soon for promos. for a levels sake, i will anything. argh. no life.

thurs was supposedly to be my last paper but but but.. a level mt oral came smacking into my face the next day. argh. screw it. i didnt elaborate my points, i spoke too fast and i didnt gave examples. damn. pressure is on me to get at least an a for malay. if not, i shall not be called a malay lit student. argh. then went emo-ing alone at bleachers while waiting for seha. erm.. no i went relaxing at the bleachers alone. yup, yup, relaxing. here's what i wrote while at the bleachers.

Angin petang menggesel pipiku
Sinar mentari petang manggigit kulit
Aku melihat mereka berlari-lari anak
Hatiku berdetik dan mindaku
teringatkannya
Ah, betapa aku merinduinya
Tka itu hatiku berdetak dengan pantas

Angin petang menggesel pipiku
Alunan musik mengusik melodi hati (this is damn jiwang karat.. i know)
Kelihatan dirinya sendang berlari juga
Hatiku menggarah mataku menatapnya
Mindaku menghalangnya
Aku tersenyum simpul
Aku tertunduk, hati berdentum kuat
Mataku mengerling ke arahnya.
Firasatku memberitahu bahawa dia merasa apa yang ku rasa

Angin petang menggesel pipiku
Bibirku mengukir senyuman
Dia mendonggak ke langit
Raut mukanya menahan perit mentari
Aku tahu dia tahu kehadiranku di sini
Aku tahu dia tahu perasaanku ini

the second part of it.. i shall post another day. yuck. cant believe that i can actually compose a poem as mushy as this. yup, this sums up what i see and feel at that point of time. do not ask anything abt this.

section dinner at breeks made me broke. hesh. but ok la, since its once in while that i eat with the j3s.hhmm.. sat, went to jb. i felt scared. damn scared. it was soo hot. steaming maut beb, then people are all pushing and not caring abt a hell, they just pushed to get to the bas, the front of the immigration couter and whatso ever. scary seh. i ended up shouting.. eh chill ah.. the bas is not gonna run away what! and people stopped for a sec and looked at me. but of course, it doesnt have any effect on them.

now... loads of unfinished hw, PW and housework.why girls are stereotyped to do housework? seriously, why cant guys be the ones doing it?? ergh. i want to go swimming, cycling and shopping! anyone wanna join??? ahaha.i will try to do my work now.

chiao.

the pain in the heart just wont go away. u coward. why cant u just be a man and say what is in ur heart. asshole.

band camp over, negeri sembilan trip over, muse concert over. now what? terms.

terms
terms
terms

information overload. my head is bursting. i feel ssoo scared for terms. what if i fail again. i seriously dont want to get retained!!!! argh.. hear me cry out.*sobs*sobs. now my nose is like a tap water. it doesnt stop running. breakouts on my face. ergh. great. just hope my migraine wont come anytime soon. choi! touch wood.

so much to do. but i dont care. i want to blog.

band camp was damn tiring. practice all day long. morn till night. before lights out some j1s tried studying. but i bet nothing went into our head. haha. anyways. second day was the same. only intersting thing was that during prac, i was looking at how irna was falling asleep during combines. muahahaha.her head on her saxaphone. then slowly falling off..with her specs going off her face too.. haha. i cant forget that image man. then its night games. syiok la. my group was fun. even though with people i dont really talked too like aaron, jasmine and zhenrong. (PS: mel, i really had fun!!!! u know what i mean... hehe)but oh well, eugene and stuart made me laugh to tears.. hahaha. it was supposed to be scary but didnt turn out that way for me i guess. eugene got dunked into the pool at like 1+am. haha.. i think the excos did a great job. thanks guys for the fun games and all.
after the band camp, i realise i will miss the j2 even more. :((((((((((((((((
tune-in was cool. my grp was comprise of me, satis, wenlong and luqman. man, i'm the only ac girl. but ok la. they are damn fun ppl so had balls of time bullying the sec4s. haha.. evil us. hehe. went home that day and i had fever. great yeah. but i still have to unpack and pack again for my negeri sembilan trip. so took panadols and hoped i didnt oversleep that night. haha.

oh well, had to report at tanjong pagar station damn early. i even fell asleep in the taxi on the way to the tg station. but aft reaching there and meeting the rest.. hehe, i bacame wide awake. but boarding the train was quite sad for me. i just realise how i miss mummy and daddy and sis and bro and cik sham and yeah, basically my family. just realised at that moment that its been a long time since i even talked to them. shit, i think i'm too into my life. i should appreciate the people arnd me more.

negeri sembilan trip rocks like crazy. train trip was fun. haha. sheep,sheep, sheep. how many sheep died? bang, bang, bang. who died? haha, actually cant believe i'm quite smart eh, i actually can solve all the riddles. haha. clever me.*pats her back. me and seha were worried what kind of house we'll be living in. just hope we didnt get a house ssoo kampong; afraid we'll not be able to adapt. but ok la. only the toilet no flush. hahaha.and behind our room was a full of banana trees. scary... whoots.
explorace was fun but damn tiring la. funny part was faris had to eat raw egg and he was the only one who puked. hahaha. oh well, running arnd the village like crazy people was fun la. then at night was learning cak lempong and the dance. oh gosh, i suck. hahaha. its on youtube. will post it here. obviously i cant memorise the whole song, haha, was following shariff all along. hahaa. the traditional dance? my wrist almost sprained. but it was fun, seeing how teruk seha is at dancing.. muahahaha. and farhan keep losing his grip on his plates. hahaa..so funnny.. then it was night walk. kinda scary la. since we walked alone and i mean alone through the jungle. there were even these mat kampong trying to scare us. but i was giggling all the way. because it was ssooo fuuny. didnt realise we were walking near a cemetetry until i came out of the trail. really challenged my mental strength. thank god daddy had trained me. mum was horrified when i told her i walked in the jungle alone. haha.

second day was the best. :) started out the day with river treking. gosh, never in my life i had gone trekking. so i was suuuperrr egg-cited! the water was ssuper cold and clear. damn nice. trekked through it then aft that was the jungle trekking part. shoots. i already got 1 leech stuck onto my feet. thank god shariff pulled it off my feet despite me screaming like crazy. trekked up hill. damn difficult la. mud all over, the jungle all arnd and trekking uphill was torturous. but fun la. hhm.. i like challenging stuff. makes me egg-cited. haha. and at the end of the trek, got up at the top, damn, the scenery was like. WOH! makes me realise the greatness of allah's creation. will post the pics soon here. then its time to go down hill. hahaha. i fell on my butt. best. haha. then waterfall!!! this wasnt that nice. i fell flat on my back. damn painful. couldnt move for a moment. thats scary. my whole left arm went numb. shoot. i'm so prone to falls. haha. that night, faris and seha was supposed to get married. muahahahahahaha...then some drama unfolded, seha bacame a runaway bride and faris had to reluctantly marry a st joseph convent girl. muahaha. faris upon hearing the news-'hah? but i want nasihah!' muahahaha. so funny. ok, then they we were carried on a dais. then the whole performance started. adlin was ogling at the mat kampong. the cak lempong was nice. the kampong girls were damn pretty. i was getting jealous of their smooth skin. tsk. funny thing was the bride. kecoh, so unglam la. too long to say it here. i bet if it was seha, fuh, mesti maintain. mcm perempuan melayu terakhir. by the way, did anyone say u look great in baju kurung seha? haha. hehe. muahahaha. lalalalala...

anyways. the last day was sad but still fun. in the morn we spent time at the playground. then me, seha, shariff and faris went to mak minah's hse. my foster mother's hse. the guys purposely come to have some fun; to make mak minah melatar. i wonder what its called in english. but anyway, they went exploring to the toilet and our rm with banana trees at the back. haha. then four of us walked together to their hse. fun la. haha, ate and talked. became our foster grandparents too. man, kampong people are so nice. i'll miss them. then time for home sweet home. aawww.. i miss pelegong.

back to reality. i still have math, physical geog and econs to do. i'm so dead for terms. concert was bad. scheherazade was atrocious. i felt damn gulity to end the j2s ac band life with such a concert. i'm so sorry guys. and yeah, i found my uniform. haha. dont ask how or where. hahaha. thanks ange for the uniform. thanks a zillion. :)

will start studying again now. now.now.

chiao.

total bleak day. four more days to terms and i' still unprepared. die. i shall go start mugging now. adding to the fact how concert turned out yesterday. haiz. no time to say much. shall stop here.

chiao.

mixed feelings now. gosh, i miss u darling bloggie. i miss u darling lappie!!

band camp was so fun yet not so fun.

negeri sembilan rock like crazy. had balls of time.

i'll blog tmr.

darn feaking tired la.

OH MY GOD TOMORROW IS MUSE AT VCH. can i scream?

aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tsk, last concert with j2s. i want to cry now.

i have to unpack my smelly orange dc backpack.haha

chiao.

tsk. i dont feel like going for camp. who will take care of cik sham at night? who to carry her up in the middle of the night? who to change her bandage? who to take care of her when i'm gone for the whole week??? argh. and a.p.m is on fri at 8pm!!! suria, why must u show it on fri!!! cant u show it some other days. i'm going to complain to mediacorp!!

its 6.30AM. time to go to sch, if i'm late, i owe irna sundae. hahaha.
chiao.

why my heart races everytime he looks into my direction or his name is mention. tsk. get over him la shaheera.

tmr is band camp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wwwweeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hohohoho.. but kak wani a such a selfish person. yes, if u read this by the way, u are,SELFISH. HEAR THAT? just because she had used her camera only once, she would not lend me. what bullshit is that u mofo. tsk, i'm being a bitch here. but whatever. i'm just feeling so angry.

wwwweeee!!!!!!!!! 3 days and 2 nights baby!!! muahahaha.

gawd. hady sings negeri sembilan dialect. haha, apm2007.

thanks enjia for the msg.:) i think yeah, theres something wrong with my taggie. tsk.. i will check asap.

fri was super fun. came early with adlin and some other ppl. and i just chill arnd the beach and feel the wind. soaking up in the sun was nice too. but i thought no,no, i dont want to go band prac on sat with a sunburnt face. cycling... haha. tsk i fell like 7 times? or more? hahaha...i hit a little girl, a roller bladder, the fence, the lamp post, a couple on a couple bicycle and a bangla. haha. and i keep laughing aft every fall. weirdo. but sadly cant stay long. mum was screaming at the top of her lungs when she called me. whatever man. the food they brought was ssoo delicious or am i just hungry at that time? but it was really, really nice. i wish i could have gone for the bbq. but, its good enuf that i can go out that day. thanks ppl who made my day that day. i really enjoyed myself throughly that day, never felt that happy for a long time.

sat band prac...haha. i made tons of mistakes during combines. video-taking session is ssoo funny. amirah-'i dont want to be in the video!!' shes already being filmed. haha. and it goes on until edwin had to-'eh, come here! sectionals!' amirah to benjamin-'i want to see the video!!' hahaa.. i was close to tears laughing. cant wait to see the whole video during tune in.

oh.oh! band camp is coming!!!! wwweeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm ssoo egg-cited!!!but that means concert is coming :)and the j2s are leaving us. :( :( and terms is well smacking into my face.:( :( :( aarrgghhh!!!

i wish time can stand still just for a moment.
just for a moment.

i find that i am a weirdo. i go crazy just listening to guitar solos. i am facinated by blue skies with white clouds. and yeah, i think if i want a boyfriend, he must be a musician. able to play the guitar would be a bonus. then he can play his guitar for me and we could go concerts together. oh my god. what am i thinking? boyfriends? tsk. i should be thinking abt terms and scheherazade now.

my brain needs some repair work i think.

gosh. making my way from home to sch to KK hospital and back all over again this whole week is making me so tired. i havent have much progress with my studying. *pulls hair on her head and screams* I NEED TO STUDY!!!!! gah. cik sham is in hospital but i have yet to take care of her. basically because i have to go to sch almost everyday. ggrr. intended to take care of her on thurs morn but theres band prac. oh man. does that mean i have to miss sectionals again? gggrr. two more weeks to concert. *sobs*sobs i am so haunted by tues band prac that i just hope the earth can open up and swallow me. i feel so much guilt now. towards cik sham because i cant take care of her. gosh i will never forget what she had done for my fam. towards the band for screwing up tues band prac and cant attend prac on time.

oh well the only thing that made my day on tues was the section lunch and the pirates movie. :) :)gosh pirates was ssoo funny!!! hahaha

my tongue feels tired. but oh well, arban book and the mouthpiece will be my friend for now.:)why during sectionals i can play alone but during combines i cant play?? why cant i triple tongue fast enough? ggrr. why cant i still switch from double tongue-ing to triple tongue-ing in like just a split sec? why cant my brain switch from simple to compund time fast enough? why oh why. tell me why. this is making me mad. like seriously. concert is in two weeks time and i guess that will be the last concert for the j2s. i will miss them so freaking badly. i need tissues on 20th june. oh man.. this is ssoo sad. nvm, i will take loads and loads of pics!!

i just realise something. 14 june-16june band camp, 17june-19 june THE TRIP and 20th june-muse concert. wow. i am super dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cant wait for fri. but i still havent tell mum abt. i cant bring myself to bring it up. since cik sham is gonna be discharged that day i will have to be there what. duh. aiyo. headache la. mum will surely nag and nag and nag. argh.

my.. two stupid things i did today- i drank coffee at 9.30pm just know and i cant sleep now and there is band prac tmr. i will be super tired. second stupid thing; i took a cab at 7.57pm today to KK hosp! how stupid is that. and i yeah, i have to pay the $2 peak hour surcharge. gggrrr.

argh. hols are supposed to make u happy. apparently i am feeling only half happy.

ergh argh ggrr. i will try to continue to study now.
chiao

oh my god. why am i here. i'm supposed to be doing my work!
gosh. i havent been doing anything. no revision and hw at all. gggrrrr! ok. i'm going to DO IT NOW!! like really now!!!!

gah!!!

whats happening? why is the band becoming like this?politics and all? i dont wannt know. i just want to know that everything will be ok soon. real soon. gosh. i just come into acband to PLAY MUSIC. thats all.

scheherazade is making me dizzy. the cadenza, semi quavers, demi semiquavers, double and triple tonging and all. but i still love it. i should focus more during band prac. hesh. and more individuals!!!

gah. there like so little time to study, prac and my social life. alamak. how seh.
tsk. must start like now!!
but i know, i will fall asleep like right aft switching off the com. muahahaa.
ok, i promise myself i will study tomorrow. ok, procastinator. muahaha.

eh, ppl.. stop the match making services ah. thanks but i really dont need it.. hahahaa..

i really think we should talk less and reflect. aft what happened on tues during band prac. oh well, i'm nobody to say anything. i dont even know whats happening exactly and i dont want to be involved anyway. but i feel so sad when something like this happens. haiz.

merdeka was a success. an experience i will never trade with anything. the late nights, rushing in and out of sch, the match making services that i got-_- , the ayu movie, hahaa, made so many new friends. and, and!!! sani recommended me to the manager of the Singapore Malay Orchestra!!! oh my god. hahaha. he ask me to go for auditions. i hear the word auditions, i froze. haha, oh well, i will have to think abt it real hard. can u imagine it, me-playing in an orchestra? wow.. then travelling all over the world... woah...........

dreams..

ok, back to reality. terms= HAIZ. i will have to focus.
and him-? case close! full-stop. ok?

i hate him.

OK, I'm seriously like panicking right now. the four days i'm not in sch, i just wonder how much i have missed out on the lessons thought. i'm so dead. so many stuff to catch up on. what if i cant catch up? whats more with the current results that my tests are showing, i am 95% sure i'm getting retained. i am dead. seriously. unless i do something drastic improvements to make myself improve. 3h2 passes and 1h1 pass. sounds easy but not really. terms is going to be much more harder but i'm going to do better. haiz.

tmr theres band prac. i cant wait for it. but, but, but. i still havent tell mum. die. she's gonna scream at me if i tell her i'm going to sch tmr. gosh... i can just hear her railing at me...'what! go to sch?! u have just recovered! cant u just stay at home? spent time with your family! go to sch and what? play your instrument, huh?! i dont care, stay at home!' oh man.. thats how she will go on and on all night. oh man..oh man...and she's like in a big bad mood right now! how.. how.. hhuurr...*sobs *sobs..aaarrrggghhh!!!!!! i'm 17 and she still control where i go, with who and what time i come home. damn i need my freedom.

OK, i'm not going to care. i'm 17. its time i make my own decisions and be responsible for it. yeah, i should . i will tell her somehow. then whatever happens, i shall pray to god. oh man... this sounds so silly. just going to sch on sat for cca is a freaking big headache for me la. i wish someone would understand this freaky mother of mine because even i dont understand her la!!!!!
whatever she wants me to do, i did it for her. even abandoning my dream to learn design at SP.
ok, whats past is past, its over. i'm not going to brood over it and cry.

damn i seriously need my own FREEDOM!!!!!