defaction

today's homeward journey was strangely familiar. like 2 years ago. when i was defacted. that rejection. that poker face. that same feeling.

never mind, smile. av credits to simone@SFI

lets see, so whats the sweetest 10 things a guy can ever do for a girl? hahaha.
[taec, answer this!!! i bet you can list it off your fingertips after watching the mv soooooo many times]

this sem is sureeee gonna be damn interesting. :)

chiao.

poke poke

like the stupidest person on earth. me.

damn pissed.

its like so horrible to make fun of people's weaknesses and laugh at them, make them into a joke. its not funny. its not like they want to be like that. what if you are fat and your friends calls you fatso or roti pound like that. or if your hair is like damn bushy and curly and they liken you to mak hitam from the jerangkung movie? funny uh. but if its you then how will you feel? especially when the people who made you look so pathetic are your friends? your own damn fucking friends. then maybe they should never have been called friends in the first place right.

i cant help it if i am very blur, clumsy or weird. sometimes i wish i wasnt. maybe abit more smarter like the rest of my friends. then maybe people wont laugh at my stupidity, my clumsiness and maybe i wont get on people's nerves for being such a blur king kong. maybe i wont disappoint my family for not living up to their expectations. maybe i will be able to get better results and get easily into a real uni. maybe, i would have done better in band then maybe i will be able to join the rest in.... maybe then.. maybe-s. ah, shall stop here. dont want to re-account my life story.

but i'm not. so i shall stick to being me. accept it or just fuck off yea.

i've had my fair share of being poked at.

chiao.

ignite the flame. please.

i've lost it all. the inspiration, the flame. i wanna let it all go.

let me bawl my eyes out. oh well, its all dried up anyway.

give me sometime to recuperate my soul back again. i'm tired, really, really tired.

please.

i'm sorry.

chiao.

i dont bother to explain this. its not like anybody care anyway.

bleah.

maybe i was just too sensitive and temperamental.

forgive me, i was being stupid.

chiao.

This is a stupid post

i've been thinking.. maybe i should not lie to myself anymore. first it was eating alone on the days before. then after that it was watching the tv alone. but the most disgusting thing was that, that tut french horn guy come and sat beside me. the rest of his band was like looking at me. what the hell. and i'm being surrounded by pj people at that time. it was so fucking akward la. the days before also during lunch time he came and sat beside me and started talking to me. *rolls eyes* concert ended and there was a rush to get packed up. i could hear people scrambling and cases being luged around as i made my way back to my changing rm. the corridors were empty. heck, i didnt care at that time. but when i came into my room, it was empty. only my beg and my case. i was like, eh, where did everybody go? i felt lost. in such a big place with so many people. so i called a friend to go home with her. but how stupid i was, i forgot she didnt performed. i felt like knocking my head. now, i felt sooo pathetic. shit. ok, then i msged another friend. oh, he is going to have supper with the rest. the rest? where are they? supper? how come i dont know? at that moment, it hit me. i know at least 1001 people there at that time, but none actually cared or know where i am! i felt so isolated, disappointed, alone, left out and pathetic. fucking pathetic la. ("kau asyik2 terhegeh-hegeh dekat org. tapi org tak kisah pun pasal kau. sedar la sikit diri tu!" maybe what she say to me is right.. "bila dorang nak mintak tolong, semua datang dekat kau, kau yang bodoh pun pergi tolong, tapi sekarang, kau mintak tolong dari dorang, ada dorang tolong? dorang tinggalkan kau lagi ada kan?") well, i shouldnt have said it. family? i think its just an illusion on my part. hell, i had to walked all the way to mrt with my eupho. i almost fell on the escalator. and there were blisters on my fingers. i thought i could just throw my eupho into the fountain that is infront of esplanade. but no, i love my eupho too much to do that.

it didnt happen only that night but many other times where i felt so pathetic and alone.

but i wont be bugged down by such petty stuff. but oh well, its an eye opener to how much i meant to people.

chiao.