This is a stupid post

i've been thinking.. maybe i should not lie to myself anymore. first it was eating alone on the days before. then after that it was watching the tv alone. but the most disgusting thing was that, that tut french horn guy come and sat beside me. the rest of his band was like looking at me. what the hell. and i'm being surrounded by pj people at that time. it was so fucking akward la. the days before also during lunch time he came and sat beside me and started talking to me. *rolls eyes* concert ended and there was a rush to get packed up. i could hear people scrambling and cases being luged around as i made my way back to my changing rm. the corridors were empty. heck, i didnt care at that time. but when i came into my room, it was empty. only my beg and my case. i was like, eh, where did everybody go? i felt lost. in such a big place with so many people. so i called a friend to go home with her. but how stupid i was, i forgot she didnt performed. i felt like knocking my head. now, i felt sooo pathetic. shit. ok, then i msged another friend. oh, he is going to have supper with the rest. the rest? where are they? supper? how come i dont know? at that moment, it hit me. i know at least 1001 people there at that time, but none actually cared or know where i am! i felt so isolated, disappointed, alone, left out and pathetic. fucking pathetic la. ("kau asyik2 terhegeh-hegeh dekat org. tapi org tak kisah pun pasal kau. sedar la sikit diri tu!" maybe what she say to me is right.. "bila dorang nak mintak tolong, semua datang dekat kau, kau yang bodoh pun pergi tolong, tapi sekarang, kau mintak tolong dari dorang, ada dorang tolong? dorang tinggalkan kau lagi ada kan?") well, i shouldnt have said it. family? i think its just an illusion on my part. hell, i had to walked all the way to mrt with my eupho. i almost fell on the escalator. and there were blisters on my fingers. i thought i could just throw my eupho into the fountain that is infront of esplanade. but no, i love my eupho too much to do that.

it didnt happen only that night but many other times where i felt so pathetic and alone.

but i wont be bugged down by such petty stuff. but oh well, its an eye opener to how much i meant to people.

chiao.