himnae!

so... assignment dates got pushed back. 'cos it was just crazy to complete 2 reports in 2 weeks time and then another 2 within the next week. plus, tests and lessons all in those 3 weeks.

glad? not really.. 'cos we still have no time.

i think i just screwed my financial math test. sigh. its been days but i havent gotten over it yet.

another one coming up. financial plan. buck up!

its not that i dont want to, i just cant.

HIMNAE!

chiao.

tired

credits to simone@SFI

well, i beg of you to give me the patience and strength to carry on.

'cos i'll really need it like ALOT.

from taking care of her; well nobody knows or wants to give her medcine, her food, doc appointments etc[i pray i wont be like them when i grow up], cleaning[that includes vacuuming, mopping, washing the toilet and all things that are categorised as cleaning], sometimes cooking, the odd job worker carrying things from 15kg rice sacks to serving them food, settling school fees from the bank to mendaki to school and bank again; like wth lah, to the family counsellor[emotionally draining after each session] and last but not least, to being a half-bread-winner.

i dont know if i can last long.

i'm tired.

chiao.

weeks and weeks and weeks.

i love these girls. no matter how rotten i feel that day, they always manage to make me laugh hard. haha.

so if you say in 2 weeks time... does that include this week? then the second week will be next week right? so its next week or the week after? its next week right right?

haaaaaaaaaaaaa. i have to stop this.
ahhhhhhh painful la.



btw, my hand is still swollen la. ouch.

chiao.

patience and sincerity

ayat-ayat cinta (verses of love)



yeah, i am abit slow. but this movie is good. i finished 2 whole packets of tissue while watching it. moving, and educational. the best part was when the male lead was jailed and he tried to pray, but couldnt concentrate. He kept crying and stopping.(ouch, that happened to meh.) The fellow inmate laughed at him and said, haha, its a wonder that you are an Al Azhar undergrad but do not know the key to praying.(ouucchhh. ok, i think i know now). Then he received a letter saying that he was taken out from the best university in islamic studies, Al Azhar. the guy cried like a baby and the fellow inmate said to him, get up! remember the story of Yusuf a.s and Zulaikha? Yusuf prayed, if its true that living in a jail is more meaningful then i choose to be here and be near to you, Lord. Rather than being outside with those hypocrites and liars. Then, he continued, Allah is talking to you about patience and sincerity. Islam is about patience and sincerity.b'cos the guy was jailed for raping a girl that he had helped before and Yusuf story is somewhat similar to his situation. by this time i'm like wailing. haha.

now then i know that islam doesnt condone dating, only taaruf, where the couple meet up in the presence of family members. and if they like each other, they get married, if not, take it as making friends. haha. haha, no dating uhhh, you halal people!

cant wait for fridayyy!!!!!!!! and i need a jobbbbbbbbb. rawr. ok, patience.

chiao.

till then, goodbye.

i tell you i am gonna conquer you advance level geography! and math. and econs. and malay. not forgetting jeeeee-p.

i feel like crying. i really do.

ok, heres the real hiatus.

no bloggie. no msn. only contactable thru my snow white. my phone la.

i will finish glob and atmo topics by this week.

hopefully i survive.

goodbye.
eh no, chiao.

warmth and love.

life's crazy eh?

i just need some warmth and love maybe.

but i know i'll survive through this.

even if i'm alone.

chiao.

auditions.. again?

auditions again? not again lar... i dont want what happened last year to repeat. enough is enough. its called emotional trauma, get it? i guess no one will understand the feeling unless you go thru what the few of us did.

anyway, i wont be able to recover in time for auditions. so that means one thing. no international swiss comp for me. thats may mean, no swiss trip.

how the heart aches. well, my tears have dried up. its just numbness that i feel now.

i wanna quit band now. yup, life sucks so badly now i just wanna quit band.

and i guess i shouldnt bother and burden people with my stupid problems.

chiao.

so how?

i dont know how i should react to my terms results. it like, really bad.. but i just dont feel any emotions. it all locked up inside. i worked stinking hard for it but yea, i failed yet again. i want to let it out but i guess it wont make the situation any better. so now, i have to kick my own butt, slap my own face and punch my own stomach to make myself work harder and not give up. although i failed again, i still have to go on..

just dont ask me if i'm ok because its a stupid question. obviously i'm not. dont ask me to cheer up because you wont feel any happier if you fail your terms and people ask you to cheer up. but i do appreciate the concern. thanks. i just need to be alone for now.


chiao.

haiiiizzzzzzzz

i need food. chocolates and coffee.

NOW.

i think we really gotta buck up people. haiz. that, especially apply to me.
and i seriously feel that the changes in the qm room system is partly because of my blunder that day. i dont like it. and i still feel darn guilty abt it!
and the puncuality issue is... ergh.. whatever.

now, now. went for dentist check up last thurs. and guess what, due to my surgery, i may not be able to perform in swiss. and i wont be playing for VCH concert either. i am so sad and aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh about this. well, the VCH concert is confirm i guess.

i'll just pray to God that i'll recover fast.

oh my god econs test like 2 days more!! i am so nervous! aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

haiizzzzzzzzzzzzz

chiao la.

immaturity suck

"hai kakak2 ku harap maaf pasal smalam tu bukan saya nak memberontak atau beremosi! tapi tiap tahun jumpa adek beradek ceritanya sama asyik nak kata org! org nak buat baik dgn jln Allah walau cara apa pun kena kata org tu tak betul! ni d kata nama kan akhir zaman? hormat tetamu datang jumpa sekali2 d hari raya! abg ipar pun cabut tak nak dgr! bukan kita sekeluarga tak nak dtg rumah mak jumpa adek beradek ni ceritanya sama! harap maafkan adek mu, buat pengetahuan akak2, adek mu tak ikut mana2 kumpulan atau tarikat"

this was a msg sent by my _______. i dont fucking understand about tarikat. even father has something to do about this tarikat thingy. then he'll go on about all these people called wali who are supposed to be really religious and pure people. i'm just feeling so angry with them. being adults, they are immature enough to fight over such stupid things, making them look like fools in front of us, the younger ones.

bleah la with all these tarikat and religious groups. if u want to be religious and pious so be one. no one is going to stop u in this democratic country. but if u are really pious and religious, u should know that getting into fights with your own siblings on such a beatiful night like on hari raya night is a really bad idea. u are just adding to your list of sins. thats like freaking common sense right?

even though this incident happened like 2 months ago, it'll stay in me for quite sometime.

chiao.

its the third day of syawal. i just hope the begining of such a holy month will bring much blessings to all of us. ramadhan come and go just like that. i cant say i made much use of it. and i cant say its been an easy ramadhan compared to other ramadhan. preparing for promos amidst facing other issues is not easy either.

last mon break fast with farah and hafiyan. i am glad u two are happy like that. dont fight so often yeah miss farah ashlina bte aminnurahim. heh, i remember your full name! :) and i went to geylang!!!!!!wwweee!!! yesyesyesyesyesyes!!!!!!!!!

then, spent the rest of the remaining ramadhan cleaning the house and making cookies. i made chocolate chip cookies, almond cheese cookies and cupcakes!!! but the almond cookies are not so nice.:(

raya just come and go like any other years. it was tiring facing it all over again. i was hoping for a good change but, fat hope la. no one can change overnight do they?

i dont understand alot of things going on really. cant help it though when nobody wants to tell me the real situation and in addition my blurness just makes it worst. sometimes i think teenagers are much more muture then adults. how stupid can adults be.

hari raya is a time where u spend time with your family members and seek forgiveness from each other, no matter if u are young or old. like the cliche goes, forgive and forget. how many thousands or millions of muslims do u hear during hari raya saying maaf zahir batin. i find all that bull shit. u should not say it for the sake of saying it. but because u really realise your mistakes and want to be forgiven. if u are not sincere about it, then why do u still say it?
and even if the person who did wrong to u is younger and didnt seek forgiveness to u, shouldnt u just forgive that person? on account that he is a family member of yours or that u have known that person. for forgiving others is a noble act. i know its difficult to just forgive someone who has inflicted pain on u for years but cant u do it for future sake? for your children's sake? so that the family ties that we have will stay strong untill generations to come? and they even fought on such a beautiful night when everyone is supposed to be happy. how to stupid can the be. how inmature can they be.

that night u made me very sad. very sad.
that night u made me see a bad side of your character.
i just hope i wont be like u in the future.


over with hari raya blues, getting back promos results soon. lets pray yeah.
for the light to shine brighter, the darkness have to be darker. how true. most will make it but some will not. i hope i do not fall in the 'some' category. will my life in ac end here?

i hope not.
chiao.

i dont uderstand why at 17 years old, she still control me as if i'm a freaking 7 year old kid. damn it uh. luckily its ramadhan, up sikit aku nye kesabaran nie.

i think i'll really be retained. argh. i cant sleep at night. i keep having stupid nightmares. tsk, i can only pray hard.

i got into an accident before promos and became toothless. thanks 1aa3, for praying for me. i'm really touched. i guess i've never really said it or showed it, i'm not that kind of person, i just cant say or show. but i am really thankful for all the prayers. thanks guys. :) i look damn ugly but my surgery is being scheduled now. argh and bro was hospitalised, infected by denggi. that moment, when everything seem like... i have promos soon, my gums are aching and bro is in hospital. i almost broke down. but life goes on. i'm just glad i'm alive and well today.

dad asked me why i got into the accident. he asked me to think. he said maybe i've done something wrong. like really wrong. but i told him, my conscience is clear, i've done nothing wrong. and nobody believed me.

i dont know when i'll recover and can play my eupho again. i want dont want to miss any concerts or any performances. especially the swiss trip. missing syf is enough torture for me.

this hari raya seem so bland and empty. there's nothing that i can look forward to. i'm not going to blurt out everything here.
the future seems so uncertain.

chiao.