i am me. therefore i am.

hhhmmm.. not going to school is really boring. maybe because i'm so used to being busy. but i kinda miss my friends. esp .... haha, its only a day but i still miss them. i must be crazy.

yesterday was super egg-citing! so i shall blog abt it. haha..maybe because i saw him like alot alot alot yesterday. hahaha. malay lesson was as usual.. super fun. but the only spoiler was najmah. eehhww. when she came in everybody was like..what the hell is she doing here man..whatever man. h2 malay is going crazy.. no no, cikgu jam is. she gave us tons of hw la. what the hell. i am really at a lost for geog. die die die. i think the econs test was supposedly to be easy. but i screw it, of course. another failure. man... at the rate i'm going, i will have to study harder to pass my promos. seriously i cant bear to get kicked out of ac or get retained. mum will send me to poly or worst still, which i recently heard abt, they are thinking of sending me to pesentren. something like a boarding madrasah. crazy. eh, i should not think or talk abt studies. the doc says i am severely stressed out. hahaha, me? even aft seeing him. nah, cant be. then she says i have gastric. ouh man. no time to eat + no appetite =i dont eat = gastric. hesh. the most shocking thing is, she suspects i have sinus. ooouuhhhh man!! my throat makes me sound like some rocker. hahaha. then this headache is killing me.

aft sch went to lib as usual, hehehe. wweee!!! oh well, when i reach there he wasnt there. which was..a relief. kinda. dont know why i feel that way. i dread seeing him. but i feel really happy when i see him. i will not stop smiling when he is nearby. haiya. so i met up with the mcs ppl to do my publicity stuff. and it was damn leceh. i had to go up and down the stairs. but it was funny due to adlin's kecoh-ness.haha..
i only realised he was in the lib when i came up for the third time aft printing the letters. i came up the stairs ungalm-ly panting. the i ran to my seat. ok i walked unglamly la. then i start putting in the letters into the envelope. then i feel really uncomfortable. what do u call this..? intuition is it? i look to my left and tah-dah!!! i caught him looking at me. or is it just me that is prasaan? hahaha. self concious. i had to keep going in and out of the lib and every time i am at some stairs, any stairs in sch, i will pass by him. oh.. thats called destiny. muahahaha. ok, then i went up the lib stairs to pack up my stuff to go for band. then he also packs his stuff and went down the stairs. then we pass by la. and he says.. 'hey..' then smile at me. oh my god. i was stunned la. i just smiled very very broadly to him. i couldnt stop smiling after that. haha. ok , i shall stop ranting abt him. now i'm feeling kinda scared when the time comes that i will not see him again. eehhww.. why am i talking so mushy-ly. yuck.

band was super fun. scheherazade, just make my day. oh ya.. i gave my sect mates cards and bisuits. to cheer them on!!wwee!!! go ac band! i knows its difficult. to juggle band and studies. plus u gotta push urself to play well. play music as ac band. until like alot of ppl fell sick the last few days. but its just a few more days to keep on pushing. and on 11 may it'll be the best. haiz. i am excited abt this. but sadly i cant watch them play at sch. waliao, already i'm not in the syf team. now i cant even watch them play. how much worse can it get. i feel so left out la. and useless. because i dont contribute anything to ac band. like i'm taking up some space in ac. where as some other deserving ppl should have gotten my place in ac. yet, yet. haiz. like irna say, haiya, they need us for what anyway, they have the syf band what. its not like we can play so well.. kinda true eh.. so many people are going to quit band. i feel so sad. superbly sad. questions run through my head. will i be able to fit back in? what will the others think of me? must be that i'm a lousy player. will my sound stick out? will i be able to be as good as them now that they have had intensive training under dr lee. i must have missed out on alot of stuff that they have learnt. and their little jokes. they have bonded together, while i feel so unbonded, seperated. like i cant face the rest anymore. wah.. so emo. but thats what has been going thru my mind. as i listen back to all the concert pieces, tears just rolled down. i remembered concert day. maybe i just miss ac band badly. as i listen to scheherazade, i ask myself, will we be able to play as good as the recording? or even better? reading the band members blogs, i just cry again. i had never been so touched by the passion for music. in damai it was diff. in ac, everyone is passionate abt making music. the feeling just chokes me up.

this feeling just brings my mood down. i feel so useless la. being good in neither band nor studies. what am i doing in ac? what am i thinking man.. no, no, i should not think anymore. i should sleep now. yup, rest. i seriously dont want my health to deteriorate because i need to study.
study is good.
study is good
study is good

hesh. i'll stop here. i dont want to get feeling all sad. ouh man, this headache is killing me again.
chiao.