i am me. therefore i am.

how i feel? fucking sucky. yup fucking sucky. should i just say everything here? just type it?
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yeah, maybe i should. i will the voice of ppl who felt the same with me at that time.

do i have to say how much more i love acband? enough said la. i wont gloat over here how much i've sacrificed. 11 may 2007, they made history. acjc band made history in singapore conference hall. they or we? i dont feel like i'm an ac band member. yeah, i feel really proud for them. sincerely, i feel really happy for them. when they play on stage. it was just awesome. MUSIC reverberate through me. gladys says she could just wail if i wasnt there. but hey girl, yeah, i'm glad too that u are beside me at that point of time. GLADYS HENG, dont be sad anymore. :) i feel what u feel. we're in this together. :) the music that u guys played just moved us. we envy u guys for being able to play such music and able to celebrate that victory aft the sacrifice, hardwork, tears, effort and time spent. when i saw u guys playing on the lt4 stage in sch, how u guys have bonded together, ur little jokes amongst each other. how u guys prayed together before we move off.. just drain the blood out of me. half of me feels happiness. but half of me feel so leftout. like am i really in ac band? should we, the non-syf ppl celebrate this victory with u guys? since we dont do anything to contribute to this victory. when dr lee came in lt4, when alot of ppl went to change, and he shows his first finger to us. we didnt get what he was trying to say. high pitched screams erupted. tears welled up in my eyes and yeah, i cried. haha, yeah and shaun says, eh, u dont be so emo la.man... i couldnt believe it. but yeah. they made it. they or we? whatever la. when ms sng scolded me and gladys at SCH, i felt so useless and used too, like we are some kind of a servant to the band. being directed to serve water to them. hell i dont mind helping with all that. but she scolded us in front of the band. i feel like typing a string of vulgarities. but, nvm...
half the credit for the victory should go to dr lee. he's a genius man.

i wonder, how next week sat, when we start prac again together, band prac will be. i think i will feel weird, awakward i guess. maybe still feel leftout when they crack their own jokes and i dont understand. whatever la. ms sng says we should get out of this and move on. yeah sure, i will say confidently that i have grown out of that post-audition state. thats why i can sit in lt4 and watch u guys play and mingle around. but the feeling will stay in us; the non-syf ppl; forever. i guess most of us, the non-syf ppl, feels like this. saying the truth, i had never regretted going for auditions. even though i failed. and the feeling of not being able to be with the band playing music together was a period i will never forget. but i learnt alot along this journey. to accept reality and rejection. life lessons. missing people whom have grown so dear to u esp my section was terrible. and not being able to face the rest of the band members was a nightmare. but all in all i dont mind, because i met new ppl, the mcs. i spent more time with my family. my relationship with mum has since improved a lil bit. oh well.. whatever la eh. syf is over man. concert is here and back to reality, tons of hw, tests smacking into my face agin next week.

what made 11 may all the more terrible was the days before. wed was awsome because i spent time with mcs ppl, next week have to stay back in sch till late for the upcoming production. then i talked to him. eh no, he talked to me. :) he asked me something la. i feel like i kinda miss him. but eehhiiwww.. no, no. i wish he will say something instead of giving that kind of look to me. hesh. but i get to talk to him, so..hehehe. ok then spent time with irna at lib, mugging for geog and math. when i reached home, i fell asleep again. i feel so tired. so i couldnt do much work. which was sucky. i felt so terrible and nervous the next day because of math test. 10 may started out with birthday msgs from edwin and udaya at 00.00++ am . haha, thanks edwin and udaya for the sweet msg and being one of the first people to wish me. :) then aft assembly, met him at the stairs near hall again. then math test, i couldnt even do a single question. not even a single question. aft that, break i spent time with seha. i tried not to cry as she sang a birthday song to me. in between feeling terrible; knowing that i fail another test, but happy that seha is singing a birthday song to me loudly. i felt so terrible the whole day. irna gave me a choc cake and a really sweet card. thanks friend. :) enjia gave me odd stuff all choc base. thanks girl. gladys, for the kisses. hahaha. and everybody who wished me. THANK U.

that night i didnt sleep. i drank coffee. and study for goeg. i couldnt finish studying. i felt so terrible. whatsmore, i have nafa that day. i have never pushed myself so hard before. i did quite well for incline pull up and sit ups. which was quite a surprise. but then aft that, i felt so drained out and tired. GP was sucky. ms chan was not happy with us at all. whatever la. geog test. dont even mention it. another failure. i couldnt do physical geog at all. aft that was geog tutorial and everybody was discussing abt it. i just kept quiet. i think khor saw lim notice it and aft class he went up to me and asked me abt the test. he said i'll be fine. but i felt all the more terrible. because he's such a nice teacher. its like i have let him down. the feeling in me was all terrible. i couldnt take it anymore, i called seri and we talked. its just so draining. knowing at that point of time i have to be strong because ac band is going for syf but yet i feel like giving up everything since i failed like all of my tests. how much more terrible can it get. but i know, giving up is the most chicken thing to do. i will never do that. never.

aft all the syf stuff going on, i just leave lt4 because i cant take the emotions runnig high, i went tamp mall to meet khai since she says she wants me to help her buy her sch stuff. eh makcik, pandai eh kelentong aku. mati-mati aku ingat kau nak beli benda untuk ur sch. man.. then she brought me to soul garden "to get her stuff" but there was hiq, sha and azilah. i was speechless la. "surprise!" semua air mata yang di tahan earlier terkeluar seh. man, u girls made me cry in public!!! THANK U ALOT ALOT ALOT ALOT. u girls turned my day into something so sweet despite what i went thru earlier that day. i miss u girls like crazy la. i will never forget that day. it was a dream come true when we get to meet up finally. finally. and get to be ourselves again. hahaha. send me the pics okay, then i can post it here. u girls even made the ice cream into a birthday "cake" with a lighted candle on it. and made the whole restaurant sing birthday song! i almost cry again. thank u. a million times. really made my day. the midnight movie would be awesome if we can have it but, save it for other days. seriously i never had a birthday celebration like as awesome as this. from the deepest of my heart thank u girls. i ate like crazy, even though i still dont have any appetite. but since i didnt eat the whole day and i will never diappoint them, i ate all the food. we talked like old times. and yeah i notice this, when we step out of damai, we notice that we are not ourselves. i used to talk more in damai; haha together with bai and everyone else. but now, i'm so quiet in class. hiq too, sha also. i dont know, but just preserve our friendship that we have forged as it is and never forget all the memories that we have, ok! love u girls loads.:)

i'll end here. i have like a mountain of hw and tests to study. so gotta get back to books so that i'll forget syf, band, him and all the negative feelings.