i really think we should talk less and reflect. aft what happened on tues during band prac. oh well, i'm nobody to say anything. i dont even know whats happening exactly and i dont want to be involved anyway. but i feel so sad when something like this happens. haiz.
merdeka was a success. an experience i will never trade with anything. the late nights, rushing in and out of sch, the match making services that i got-_- , the ayu movie, hahaa, made so many new friends. and, and!!! sani recommended me to the manager of the Singapore Malay Orchestra!!! oh my god. hahaha. he ask me to go for auditions. i hear the word auditions, i froze. haha, oh well, i will have to think abt it real hard. can u imagine it, me-playing in an orchestra? wow.. then travelling all over the world... woah...........
dreams..
ok, back to reality. terms= HAIZ. i will have to focus.
and him-? case close! full-stop. ok?
Friday, May 18, 2007
OK, I'm seriously like panicking right now. the four days i'm not in sch, i just wonder how much i have missed out on the lessons thought. i'm so dead. so many stuff to catch up on. what if i cant catch up? whats more with the current results that my tests are showing, i am 95% sure i'm getting retained. i am dead. seriously. unless i do something drastic improvements to make myself improve. 3h2 passes and 1h1 pass. sounds easy but not really. terms is going to be much more harder but i'm going to do better. haiz.
tmr theres band prac. i cant wait for it. but, but, but. i still havent tell mum. die. she's gonna scream at me if i tell her i'm going to sch tmr. gosh... i can just hear her railing at me...'what! go to sch?! u have just recovered! cant u just stay at home? spent time with your family! go to sch and what? play your instrument, huh?! i dont care, stay at home!' oh man.. thats how she will go on and on all night. oh man..oh man...and she's like in a big bad mood right now! how.. how.. hhuurr...*sobs *sobs..aaarrrggghhh!!!!!! i'm 17 and she still control where i go, with who and what time i come home. damn i need my freedom.
OK, i'm not going to care. i'm 17. its time i make my own decisions and be responsible for it. yeah, i should . i will tell her somehow. then whatever happens, i shall pray to god. oh man... this sounds so silly. just going to sch on sat for cca is a freaking big headache for me la. i wish someone would understand this freaky mother of mine because even i dont understand her la!!!!!
whatever she wants me to do, i did it for her. even abandoning my dream to learn design at SP.
ok, whats past is past, its over. i'm not going to brood over it and cry.
damn i seriously need my own FREEDOM!!!!!
tmr theres band prac. i cant wait for it. but, but, but. i still havent tell mum. die. she's gonna scream at me if i tell her i'm going to sch tmr. gosh... i can just hear her railing at me...'what! go to sch?! u have just recovered! cant u just stay at home? spent time with your family! go to sch and what? play your instrument, huh?! i dont care, stay at home!' oh man.. thats how she will go on and on all night. oh man..oh man...and she's like in a big bad mood right now! how.. how.. hhuurr...*sobs *sobs..aaarrrggghhh!!!!!! i'm 17 and she still control where i go, with who and what time i come home. damn i need my freedom.
OK, i'm not going to care. i'm 17. its time i make my own decisions and be responsible for it. yeah, i should . i will tell her somehow. then whatever happens, i shall pray to god. oh man... this sounds so silly. just going to sch on sat for cca is a freaking big headache for me la. i wish someone would understand this freaky mother of mine because even i dont understand her la!!!!!
whatever she wants me to do, i did it for her. even abandoning my dream to learn design at SP.
ok, whats past is past, its over. i'm not going to brood over it and cry.
damn i seriously need my own FREEDOM!!!!!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
hur hur... i'm sick again.oh gosh, this is terrible. i keep getting sick. looks like i cant attend band on sat. aarrrgghh!!!! i wanna go! but i know mum will scream at me if i mention it. everytime i take my medicine, i'll fall asleep. if i dont dont my medicine, the my body temp will shot up. i have tons of work to do but i cant do. oh gosh, this headache is killing me.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
us, CHICKEN? HAHHAHAHAHAHA lets see if u be us then how u will be. i bet u'll be worst then us. thats for sure. i am 100% sure abt that. god doesnt let terrible things happen to humans unless he knows that we can get out of it and move on. god is not cruel, he is merciful. so, instead, i think i am strong. strong enough to move on and be better then people expect. thats why all this has been happening to us. dont think that u have gone thru alot, u are the best. like whatever man. if u think u are the best, there are better ones out there. like we always say, the best is yet to be.
like whatever la eh.
like whatever la eh.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
how i feel? fucking sucky. yup fucking sucky. should i just say everything here? just type it?
..................................................................................................................................................................
yeah, maybe i should. i will the voice of ppl who felt the same with me at that time.
do i have to say how much more i love acband? enough said la. i wont gloat over here how much i've sacrificed. 11 may 2007, they made history. acjc band made history in singapore conference hall. they or we? i dont feel like i'm an ac band member. yeah, i feel really proud for them. sincerely, i feel really happy for them. when they play on stage. it was just awesome. MUSIC reverberate through me. gladys says she could just wail if i wasnt there. but hey girl, yeah, i'm glad too that u are beside me at that point of time. GLADYS HENG, dont be sad anymore. :) i feel what u feel. we're in this together. :) the music that u guys played just moved us. we envy u guys for being able to play such music and able to celebrate that victory aft the sacrifice, hardwork, tears, effort and time spent. when i saw u guys playing on the lt4 stage in sch, how u guys have bonded together, ur little jokes amongst each other. how u guys prayed together before we move off.. just drain the blood out of me. half of me feels happiness. but half of me feel so leftout. like am i really in ac band? should we, the non-syf ppl celebrate this victory with u guys? since we dont do anything to contribute to this victory. when dr lee came in lt4, when alot of ppl went to change, and he shows his first finger to us. we didnt get what he was trying to say. high pitched screams erupted. tears welled up in my eyes and yeah, i cried. haha, yeah and shaun says, eh, u dont be so emo la.man... i couldnt believe it. but yeah. they made it. they or we? whatever la. when ms sng scolded me and gladys at SCH, i felt so useless and used too, like we are some kind of a servant to the band. being directed to serve water to them. hell i dont mind helping with all that. but she scolded us in front of the band. i feel like typing a string of vulgarities. but, nvm...
half the credit for the victory should go to dr lee. he's a genius man.
i wonder, how next week sat, when we start prac again together, band prac will be. i think i will feel weird, awakward i guess. maybe still feel leftout when they crack their own jokes and i dont understand. whatever la. ms sng says we should get out of this and move on. yeah sure, i will say confidently that i have grown out of that post-audition state. thats why i can sit in lt4 and watch u guys play and mingle around. but the feeling will stay in us; the non-syf ppl; forever. i guess most of us, the non-syf ppl, feels like this. saying the truth, i had never regretted going for auditions. even though i failed. and the feeling of not being able to be with the band playing music together was a period i will never forget. but i learnt alot along this journey. to accept reality and rejection. life lessons. missing people whom have grown so dear to u esp my section was terrible. and not being able to face the rest of the band members was a nightmare. but all in all i dont mind, because i met new ppl, the mcs. i spent more time with my family. my relationship with mum has since improved a lil bit. oh well.. whatever la eh. syf is over man. concert is here and back to reality, tons of hw, tests smacking into my face agin next week.
what made 11 may all the more terrible was the days before. wed was awsome because i spent time with mcs ppl, next week have to stay back in sch till late for the upcoming production. then i talked to him. eh no, he talked to me. :) he asked me something la. i feel like i kinda miss him. but eehhiiwww.. no, no. i wish he will say something instead of giving that kind of look to me. hesh. but i get to talk to him, so..hehehe. ok then spent time with irna at lib, mugging for geog and math. when i reached home, i fell asleep again. i feel so tired. so i couldnt do much work. which was sucky. i felt so terrible and nervous the next day because of math test. 10 may started out with birthday msgs from edwin and udaya at 00.00++ am . haha, thanks edwin and udaya for the sweet msg and being one of the first people to wish me. :) then aft assembly, met him at the stairs near hall again. then math test, i couldnt even do a single question. not even a single question. aft that, break i spent time with seha. i tried not to cry as she sang a birthday song to me. in between feeling terrible; knowing that i fail another test, but happy that seha is singing a birthday song to me loudly. i felt so terrible the whole day. irna gave me a choc cake and a really sweet card. thanks friend. :) enjia gave me odd stuff all choc base. thanks girl. gladys, for the kisses. hahaha. and everybody who wished me. THANK U.
that night i didnt sleep. i drank coffee. and study for goeg. i couldnt finish studying. i felt so terrible. whatsmore, i have nafa that day. i have never pushed myself so hard before. i did quite well for incline pull up and sit ups. which was quite a surprise. but then aft that, i felt so drained out and tired. GP was sucky. ms chan was not happy with us at all. whatever la. geog test. dont even mention it. another failure. i couldnt do physical geog at all. aft that was geog tutorial and everybody was discussing abt it. i just kept quiet. i think khor saw lim notice it and aft class he went up to me and asked me abt the test. he said i'll be fine. but i felt all the more terrible. because he's such a nice teacher. its like i have let him down. the feeling in me was all terrible. i couldnt take it anymore, i called seri and we talked. its just so draining. knowing at that point of time i have to be strong because ac band is going for syf but yet i feel like giving up everything since i failed like all of my tests. how much more terrible can it get. but i know, giving up is the most chicken thing to do. i will never do that. never.
aft all the syf stuff going on, i just leave lt4 because i cant take the emotions runnig high, i went tamp mall to meet khai since she says she wants me to help her buy her sch stuff. eh makcik, pandai eh kelentong aku. mati-mati aku ingat kau nak beli benda untuk ur sch. man.. then she brought me to soul garden "to get her stuff" but there was hiq, sha and azilah. i was speechless la. "surprise!" semua air mata yang di tahan earlier terkeluar seh. man, u girls made me cry in public!!! THANK U ALOT ALOT ALOT ALOT. u girls turned my day into something so sweet despite what i went thru earlier that day. i miss u girls like crazy la. i will never forget that day. it was a dream come true when we get to meet up finally. finally. and get to be ourselves again. hahaha. send me the pics okay, then i can post it here. u girls even made the ice cream into a birthday "cake" with a lighted candle on it. and made the whole restaurant sing birthday song! i almost cry again. thank u. a million times. really made my day. the midnight movie would be awesome if we can have it but, save it for other days. seriously i never had a birthday celebration like as awesome as this. from the deepest of my heart thank u girls. i ate like crazy, even though i still dont have any appetite. but since i didnt eat the whole day and i will never diappoint them, i ate all the food. we talked like old times. and yeah i notice this, when we step out of damai, we notice that we are not ourselves. i used to talk more in damai; haha together with bai and everyone else. but now, i'm so quiet in class. hiq too, sha also. i dont know, but just preserve our friendship that we have forged as it is and never forget all the memories that we have, ok! love u girls loads.:)
i'll end here. i have like a mountain of hw and tests to study. so gotta get back to books so that i'll forget syf, band, him and all the negative feelings.
..................................................................................................................................................................
yeah, maybe i should. i will the voice of ppl who felt the same with me at that time.
do i have to say how much more i love acband? enough said la. i wont gloat over here how much i've sacrificed. 11 may 2007, they made history. acjc band made history in singapore conference hall. they or we? i dont feel like i'm an ac band member. yeah, i feel really proud for them. sincerely, i feel really happy for them. when they play on stage. it was just awesome. MUSIC reverberate through me. gladys says she could just wail if i wasnt there. but hey girl, yeah, i'm glad too that u are beside me at that point of time. GLADYS HENG, dont be sad anymore. :) i feel what u feel. we're in this together. :) the music that u guys played just moved us. we envy u guys for being able to play such music and able to celebrate that victory aft the sacrifice, hardwork, tears, effort and time spent. when i saw u guys playing on the lt4 stage in sch, how u guys have bonded together, ur little jokes amongst each other. how u guys prayed together before we move off.. just drain the blood out of me. half of me feels happiness. but half of me feel so leftout. like am i really in ac band? should we, the non-syf ppl celebrate this victory with u guys? since we dont do anything to contribute to this victory. when dr lee came in lt4, when alot of ppl went to change, and he shows his first finger to us. we didnt get what he was trying to say. high pitched screams erupted. tears welled up in my eyes and yeah, i cried. haha, yeah and shaun says, eh, u dont be so emo la.man... i couldnt believe it. but yeah. they made it. they or we? whatever la. when ms sng scolded me and gladys at SCH, i felt so useless and used too, like we are some kind of a servant to the band. being directed to serve water to them. hell i dont mind helping with all that. but she scolded us in front of the band. i feel like typing a string of vulgarities. but, nvm...
half the credit for the victory should go to dr lee. he's a genius man.
i wonder, how next week sat, when we start prac again together, band prac will be. i think i will feel weird, awakward i guess. maybe still feel leftout when they crack their own jokes and i dont understand. whatever la. ms sng says we should get out of this and move on. yeah sure, i will say confidently that i have grown out of that post-audition state. thats why i can sit in lt4 and watch u guys play and mingle around. but the feeling will stay in us; the non-syf ppl; forever. i guess most of us, the non-syf ppl, feels like this. saying the truth, i had never regretted going for auditions. even though i failed. and the feeling of not being able to be with the band playing music together was a period i will never forget. but i learnt alot along this journey. to accept reality and rejection. life lessons. missing people whom have grown so dear to u esp my section was terrible. and not being able to face the rest of the band members was a nightmare. but all in all i dont mind, because i met new ppl, the mcs. i spent more time with my family. my relationship with mum has since improved a lil bit. oh well.. whatever la eh. syf is over man. concert is here and back to reality, tons of hw, tests smacking into my face agin next week.
what made 11 may all the more terrible was the days before. wed was awsome because i spent time with mcs ppl, next week have to stay back in sch till late for the upcoming production. then i talked to him. eh no, he talked to me. :) he asked me something la. i feel like i kinda miss him. but eehhiiwww.. no, no. i wish he will say something instead of giving that kind of look to me. hesh. but i get to talk to him, so..hehehe. ok then spent time with irna at lib, mugging for geog and math. when i reached home, i fell asleep again. i feel so tired. so i couldnt do much work. which was sucky. i felt so terrible and nervous the next day because of math test. 10 may started out with birthday msgs from edwin and udaya at 00.00++ am . haha, thanks edwin and udaya for the sweet msg and being one of the first people to wish me. :) then aft assembly, met him at the stairs near hall again. then math test, i couldnt even do a single question. not even a single question. aft that, break i spent time with seha. i tried not to cry as she sang a birthday song to me. in between feeling terrible; knowing that i fail another test, but happy that seha is singing a birthday song to me loudly. i felt so terrible the whole day. irna gave me a choc cake and a really sweet card. thanks friend. :) enjia gave me odd stuff all choc base. thanks girl. gladys, for the kisses. hahaha. and everybody who wished me. THANK U.
that night i didnt sleep. i drank coffee. and study for goeg. i couldnt finish studying. i felt so terrible. whatsmore, i have nafa that day. i have never pushed myself so hard before. i did quite well for incline pull up and sit ups. which was quite a surprise. but then aft that, i felt so drained out and tired. GP was sucky. ms chan was not happy with us at all. whatever la. geog test. dont even mention it. another failure. i couldnt do physical geog at all. aft that was geog tutorial and everybody was discussing abt it. i just kept quiet. i think khor saw lim notice it and aft class he went up to me and asked me abt the test. he said i'll be fine. but i felt all the more terrible. because he's such a nice teacher. its like i have let him down. the feeling in me was all terrible. i couldnt take it anymore, i called seri and we talked. its just so draining. knowing at that point of time i have to be strong because ac band is going for syf but yet i feel like giving up everything since i failed like all of my tests. how much more terrible can it get. but i know, giving up is the most chicken thing to do. i will never do that. never.
aft all the syf stuff going on, i just leave lt4 because i cant take the emotions runnig high, i went tamp mall to meet khai since she says she wants me to help her buy her sch stuff. eh makcik, pandai eh kelentong aku. mati-mati aku ingat kau nak beli benda untuk ur sch. man.. then she brought me to soul garden "to get her stuff" but there was hiq, sha and azilah. i was speechless la. "surprise!" semua air mata yang di tahan earlier terkeluar seh. man, u girls made me cry in public!!! THANK U ALOT ALOT ALOT ALOT. u girls turned my day into something so sweet despite what i went thru earlier that day. i miss u girls like crazy la. i will never forget that day. it was a dream come true when we get to meet up finally. finally. and get to be ourselves again. hahaha. send me the pics okay, then i can post it here. u girls even made the ice cream into a birthday "cake" with a lighted candle on it. and made the whole restaurant sing birthday song! i almost cry again. thank u. a million times. really made my day. the midnight movie would be awesome if we can have it but, save it for other days. seriously i never had a birthday celebration like as awesome as this. from the deepest of my heart thank u girls. i ate like crazy, even though i still dont have any appetite. but since i didnt eat the whole day and i will never diappoint them, i ate all the food. we talked like old times. and yeah i notice this, when we step out of damai, we notice that we are not ourselves. i used to talk more in damai; haha together with bai and everyone else. but now, i'm so quiet in class. hiq too, sha also. i dont know, but just preserve our friendship that we have forged as it is and never forget all the memories that we have, ok! love u girls loads.:)
i'll end here. i have like a mountain of hw and tests to study. so gotta get back to books so that i'll forget syf, band, him and all the negative feelings.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
i'm friging dead for geog test tmr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i fell asleep again! i'm gonna put pins on my bed man. i'll get poked if i sleep. serve me right. damn it. i'm cursing myself. i'm so angry at myself. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!
no time to type. tmr's syf!!!!! aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i seriously am gonna slap myself for sleeping. ergh.
i fell asleep again! i'm gonna put pins on my bed man. i'll get poked if i sleep. serve me right. damn it. i'm cursing myself. i'm so angry at myself. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!
no time to type. tmr's syf!!!!! aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i seriously am gonna slap myself for sleeping. ergh.
Monday, May 07, 2007
today i thought at least theres chapel today then i can relax at lt 1. i felt quite happy la because usually in the morn i will feel very lethargic. but then.. aft chapel i saw him la............... that was okay. i actually smiled frm ear to ear la. :) but but but but. ergh. i saw a girl sitting beside him and they were sharing water!!!!!! she drank frm his water bottle! like wth!!! ok, i'm not jealous ok. i'm not. i'm not jealous. no,no. disgusting.yuck. and i'm not jealous. like whatever la. then my nose start to act up. its like running tap water la. i used like 3 pkts of tissue and i keep coughing. hesh. it lasted the whole day. then.... amazingly, when i reach lt4, aft sch, to watch the band play, my nose recovered!!! wow. wow. wow. like some karma or dejavu. haha. i'm talking crap here.
homework+tests+pw+mcs+band+school=i am dead
i have pe tmr!!!! no..no... nafa.... no..no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
homework+tests+pw+mcs+band+school=i am dead
i have pe tmr!!!! no..no... nafa.... no..no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
its been like 5 days and i still havent recover yet. god, make me well again... ergh. i missed out on justin's b'day celebration with the j3s. seriously i dont really know the j3s. i should get to know them. hhmm...
but i feel really accomplished. because i managed to finish my homework on sat itself. yay!!!
:) :) :) but today i feel really tired and sick. haiz. i cant go out to de-stress. theres just so many stuff to do. my social life is gone. hesh. just now went to study with aishah j. and she says i really looked tired and stressed. diff frm what i used to be. yup, i guess she's right. i should learn to relax and stop thinking abt studying. but i still have yet to finish my revision on geog. and that is both human and physical. theres still my weakest subject in my whole life, MATH!!! how i loathe math.
i just feel so tired and sick. i am not even in the syf team and i am feel ing all stressed up abt studies. what if i'm in syf. will i be able to cope? whats gonna happen in the future when i have to divide my time btw studies and band while excelling in both? i dont want any answers to these questions. i just want to get back to my books now.
chiao.
but i feel really accomplished. because i managed to finish my homework on sat itself. yay!!!
:) :) :) but today i feel really tired and sick. haiz. i cant go out to de-stress. theres just so many stuff to do. my social life is gone. hesh. just now went to study with aishah j. and she says i really looked tired and stressed. diff frm what i used to be. yup, i guess she's right. i should learn to relax and stop thinking abt studying. but i still have yet to finish my revision on geog. and that is both human and physical. theres still my weakest subject in my whole life, MATH!!! how i loathe math.
i just feel so tired and sick. i am not even in the syf team and i am feel ing all stressed up abt studies. what if i'm in syf. will i be able to cope? whats gonna happen in the future when i have to divide my time btw studies and band while excelling in both? i dont want any answers to these questions. i just want to get back to my books now.
chiao.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Friday, May 04, 2007
hhhmmm.. not going to school is really boring. maybe because i'm so used to being busy. but i kinda miss my friends. esp .... haha, its only a day but i still miss them. i must be crazy.
yesterday was super egg-citing! so i shall blog abt it. haha..maybe because i saw him like alot alot alot yesterday. hahaha. malay lesson was as usual.. super fun. but the only spoiler was najmah. eehhww. when she came in everybody was like..what the hell is she doing here man..whatever man. h2 malay is going crazy.. no no, cikgu jam is. she gave us tons of hw la. what the hell. i am really at a lost for geog. die die die. i think the econs test was supposedly to be easy. but i screw it, of course. another failure. man... at the rate i'm going, i will have to study harder to pass my promos. seriously i cant bear to get kicked out of ac or get retained. mum will send me to poly or worst still, which i recently heard abt, they are thinking of sending me to pesentren. something like a boarding madrasah. crazy. eh, i should not think or talk abt studies. the doc says i am severely stressed out. hahaha, me? even aft seeing him. nah, cant be. then she says i have gastric. ouh man. no time to eat + no appetite =i dont eat = gastric. hesh. the most shocking thing is, she suspects i have sinus. ooouuhhhh man!! my throat makes me sound like some rocker. hahaha. then this headache is killing me.
aft sch went to lib as usual, hehehe. wweee!!! oh well, when i reach there he wasnt there. which was..a relief. kinda. dont know why i feel that way. i dread seeing him. but i feel really happy when i see him. i will not stop smiling when he is nearby. haiya. so i met up with the mcs ppl to do my publicity stuff. and it was damn leceh. i had to go up and down the stairs. but it was funny due to adlin's kecoh-ness.haha..
i only realised he was in the lib when i came up for the third time aft printing the letters. i came up the stairs ungalm-ly panting. the i ran to my seat. ok i walked unglamly la. then i start putting in the letters into the envelope. then i feel really uncomfortable. what do u call this..? intuition is it? i look to my left and tah-dah!!! i caught him looking at me. or is it just me that is prasaan? hahaha. self concious. i had to keep going in and out of the lib and every time i am at some stairs, any stairs in sch, i will pass by him. oh.. thats called destiny. muahahaha. ok, then i went up the lib stairs to pack up my stuff to go for band. then he also packs his stuff and went down the stairs. then we pass by la. and he says.. 'hey..' then smile at me. oh my god. i was stunned la. i just smiled very very broadly to him. i couldnt stop smiling after that. haha. ok , i shall stop ranting abt him. now i'm feeling kinda scared when the time comes that i will not see him again. eehhww.. why am i talking so mushy-ly. yuck.
band was super fun. scheherazade, just make my day. oh ya.. i gave my sect mates cards and bisuits. to cheer them on!!wwee!!! go ac band! i knows its difficult. to juggle band and studies. plus u gotta push urself to play well. play music as ac band. until like alot of ppl fell sick the last few days. but its just a few more days to keep on pushing. and on 11 may it'll be the best. haiz. i am excited abt this. but sadly i cant watch them play at sch. waliao, already i'm not in the syf team. now i cant even watch them play. how much worse can it get. i feel so left out la. and useless. because i dont contribute anything to ac band. like i'm taking up some space in ac. where as some other deserving ppl should have gotten my place in ac. yet, yet. haiz. like irna say, haiya, they need us for what anyway, they have the syf band what. its not like we can play so well.. kinda true eh.. so many people are going to quit band. i feel so sad. superbly sad. questions run through my head. will i be able to fit back in? what will the others think of me? must be that i'm a lousy player. will my sound stick out? will i be able to be as good as them now that they have had intensive training under dr lee. i must have missed out on alot of stuff that they have learnt. and their little jokes. they have bonded together, while i feel so unbonded, seperated. like i cant face the rest anymore. wah.. so emo. but thats what has been going thru my mind. as i listen back to all the concert pieces, tears just rolled down. i remembered concert day. maybe i just miss ac band badly. as i listen to scheherazade, i ask myself, will we be able to play as good as the recording? or even better? reading the band members blogs, i just cry again. i had never been so touched by the passion for music. in damai it was diff. in ac, everyone is passionate abt making music. the feeling just chokes me up.
this feeling just brings my mood down. i feel so useless la. being good in neither band nor studies. what am i doing in ac? what am i thinking man.. no, no, i should not think anymore. i should sleep now. yup, rest. i seriously dont want my health to deteriorate because i need to study.
study is good.
study is good
study is good
hesh. i'll stop here. i dont want to get feeling all sad. ouh man, this headache is killing me again.
chiao.
yesterday was super egg-citing! so i shall blog abt it. haha..maybe because i saw him like alot alot alot yesterday. hahaha. malay lesson was as usual.. super fun. but the only spoiler was najmah. eehhww. when she came in everybody was like..what the hell is she doing here man..whatever man. h2 malay is going crazy.. no no, cikgu jam is. she gave us tons of hw la. what the hell. i am really at a lost for geog. die die die. i think the econs test was supposedly to be easy. but i screw it, of course. another failure. man... at the rate i'm going, i will have to study harder to pass my promos. seriously i cant bear to get kicked out of ac or get retained. mum will send me to poly or worst still, which i recently heard abt, they are thinking of sending me to pesentren. something like a boarding madrasah. crazy. eh, i should not think or talk abt studies. the doc says i am severely stressed out. hahaha, me? even aft seeing him. nah, cant be. then she says i have gastric. ouh man. no time to eat + no appetite =i dont eat = gastric. hesh. the most shocking thing is, she suspects i have sinus. ooouuhhhh man!! my throat makes me sound like some rocker. hahaha. then this headache is killing me.
aft sch went to lib as usual, hehehe. wweee!!! oh well, when i reach there he wasnt there. which was..a relief. kinda. dont know why i feel that way. i dread seeing him. but i feel really happy when i see him. i will not stop smiling when he is nearby. haiya. so i met up with the mcs ppl to do my publicity stuff. and it was damn leceh. i had to go up and down the stairs. but it was funny due to adlin's kecoh-ness.haha..
i only realised he was in the lib when i came up for the third time aft printing the letters. i came up the stairs ungalm-ly panting. the i ran to my seat. ok i walked unglamly la. then i start putting in the letters into the envelope. then i feel really uncomfortable. what do u call this..? intuition is it? i look to my left and tah-dah!!! i caught him looking at me. or is it just me that is prasaan? hahaha. self concious. i had to keep going in and out of the lib and every time i am at some stairs, any stairs in sch, i will pass by him. oh.. thats called destiny. muahahaha. ok, then i went up the lib stairs to pack up my stuff to go for band. then he also packs his stuff and went down the stairs. then we pass by la. and he says.. 'hey..' then smile at me. oh my god. i was stunned la. i just smiled very very broadly to him. i couldnt stop smiling after that. haha. ok , i shall stop ranting abt him. now i'm feeling kinda scared when the time comes that i will not see him again. eehhww.. why am i talking so mushy-ly. yuck.
band was super fun. scheherazade, just make my day. oh ya.. i gave my sect mates cards and bisuits. to cheer them on!!wwee!!! go ac band! i knows its difficult. to juggle band and studies. plus u gotta push urself to play well. play music as ac band. until like alot of ppl fell sick the last few days. but its just a few more days to keep on pushing. and on 11 may it'll be the best. haiz. i am excited abt this. but sadly i cant watch them play at sch. waliao, already i'm not in the syf team. now i cant even watch them play. how much worse can it get. i feel so left out la. and useless. because i dont contribute anything to ac band. like i'm taking up some space in ac. where as some other deserving ppl should have gotten my place in ac. yet, yet. haiz. like irna say, haiya, they need us for what anyway, they have the syf band what. its not like we can play so well.. kinda true eh.. so many people are going to quit band. i feel so sad. superbly sad. questions run through my head. will i be able to fit back in? what will the others think of me? must be that i'm a lousy player. will my sound stick out? will i be able to be as good as them now that they have had intensive training under dr lee. i must have missed out on alot of stuff that they have learnt. and their little jokes. they have bonded together, while i feel so unbonded, seperated. like i cant face the rest anymore. wah.. so emo. but thats what has been going thru my mind. as i listen back to all the concert pieces, tears just rolled down. i remembered concert day. maybe i just miss ac band badly. as i listen to scheherazade, i ask myself, will we be able to play as good as the recording? or even better? reading the band members blogs, i just cry again. i had never been so touched by the passion for music. in damai it was diff. in ac, everyone is passionate abt making music. the feeling just chokes me up.
this feeling just brings my mood down. i feel so useless la. being good in neither band nor studies. what am i doing in ac? what am i thinking man.. no, no, i should not think anymore. i should sleep now. yup, rest. i seriously dont want my health to deteriorate because i need to study.
study is good.
study is good
study is good
hesh. i'll stop here. i dont want to get feeling all sad. ouh man, this headache is killing me again.
chiao.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
wwwweeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! i LOVE THURSDAYS man... hahaha. because.... i saw him him him him him him him alot alot alot of time.wow, freaking alot of time. he even smile and say hello to me. how great, yeah. so very happy. happy. happy.
but i am not going to sch tmr. sick. again. ouh man. now i feel terrible. tmr i'll say more. when i have the time. now, i badly need my sleep.
him him him him him.hahaha.hot hot hot hot hot hot.
chiao.
but i am not going to sch tmr. sick. again. ouh man. now i feel terrible. tmr i'll say more. when i have the time. now, i badly need my sleep.
him him him him him.hahaha.hot hot hot hot hot hot.
chiao.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
i just say this directly. i feel like an outcast and so useless to acband. yup. so many things to say. but i have tons of hw to do. tests. this is like killing me man.i will say more when i feel like opening up.
joke of the day-irna told me abt her sect joke; the banana joke.. muahaha.ok, i'm laughing so uncontrolably now.
whatever.
joke of the day-irna told me abt her sect joke; the banana joke.. muahaha.ok, i'm laughing so uncontrolably now.
whatever.
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